Shame And Trauma

[justin]

i went through years of physical and verbal abuse during my childhood when i thought i was away from it all i was sexually abused once i am in allot of denial that any of it had any effect on me and at the same time i see where i am at now and beat myself up for not fighting back or doing something anything other then freeze up and get stuck in my head.
The thing i think i might need to accept is that i may have had some PTSD symptoms for much longer then i am currently willing to admit.

a military person or a person from law enforcement has more social approval if he or she ends up with ptsd

When i reached out to some of the guys in my old unit only a few responded until they found out what it was about then they all ignored me for the most part that really hit home.
From what i hear things might be changing but from what i have experienced it does not seam that way at all if anything it sounds like that might be another way to minimize your own issues?
somewhere inside me i know i died over in Iraq and failed at everything and now because i can not serve anymore am useless trash that has been thrown out.
Thing is i never got to shoot back and we only got directly attacked twice i am sure some around here can understand what that is like i can only think of a few derogatory words to label myself for letting those things in particular effect me.

 

[ClairBear226]

Been to the Combat PTSD board yet, Justin? I think you'll find more people in your boat than what you realize. Might be just what you need. But hang around here too, okay?

I've been hearing a lot lately (from some crazy little infidel pig) the value of getting it out there. Take one step at a time.

 

[justin]

Been to the Combat PTSD board yet, Justin?

i don't think i have combat ptsd mainly Ive been just jumping in on threads i see from the home page.

 

[doglover]

I'm glad this is sparking some discussion.

I think I might be easily manipulated because it's so easy to touch on a massive ocean of guilt inside of me.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah... it changes though. I am not as attuned to shame or guilt... they were over or misused.

 

[doglover]

That is some fantastic news, Albatross!

I think you're right, in my case shaming and triggering guilt have been greatly misused. I, myself, have been greatly misused. Sucks that there's such a heavy pile of feeling to get through when you finally begin to accept that.

How did you start to work through the excess shame and guilt? Specific methods or techniques?

 

[The Albatross]

I basically, focused on a biblical quote... about when I was a child...I thought as a child, I spake as a child... hacking the quote. But I did 12 step and REBT Smart Recovery for alcohol substance abuse. When I did my step work I revisited my beliefs... and replayed them using an adult mind being observant of the possibility of different perceptions. I became aware, that I was largely interpreting my world and situations, my identity and relationships with the preprogrammed child mind. I defeated the programming by reproccessing many of the memories. I had a time where I was quite angry... but that past. Now I recognize guilt/shame/blame, and until I self search, I actively choose with my adult mind to accept or reject it without judgment on the percieved offenders intent... it gives me some peace, and the other person the benefit of the doubt. It also salvages relationships as my family and spouse would be my biggest offenders if I hadn't learned how to cope. I set and defend boundaries, in a kind way as best as I can now... and leave it at that. It works.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't really know if I explained that very well... but it is my direct personal experience at any rate.

 

[Zipperhead]

I learned allot in this thread. How the shame has affected me. How I have punished myself. I should not be ashamed, and yet, I know it's true. I am. The next step is getting rid of that shame. I hope the therapist I'm going to next week knows how to do that. My last therapist was more concerned with diagnosis. Understanding what I've got has helped. But the shame is still there. I think more than anyother symptom, the shame is the one that I can't deal with on my own. The flashbacks are trivial compared with the mental beating I give myself everyday.

 

[wcdean]

Same here, my friend. I beat myself up over every little thing, no matter how trivial. I think mine is more guilt than shame, though. I can admit what happened easier than I can forgive myself for it. I was no-billed by a grand jury (not indicted/charged). It was simply an accident; neither one of us saw each other, neither of us ever hit the brakes. Sometimes I think if I would have gone to jail I could feel that I have served my penance, but I didn't, so I punish myself daily. Not so much physically anymore (I was a cutter for a few years and got heavily involved in drugs) but the mental anguish is still there.

Just like you Zipper, I'm hoping that by finally admitting I have an issue and seeking help that I can rid myself of the guilt.

 

[Zipperhead]

How long have you been punishing yourself, Dean? How long would the sentence have been? Time to parole yourself, maybe? We punish ourselves better than any jail would have.

Al

 

[wcdean]

14 years... not sure what the sentence would have been. Involuntary or vehicular manslaughter I suppose. Never looked at the actual sentence until you asked me. Most likely would be 1-3 years...but the guilt would still reside with me. They couldn't convict me becuase technically no laws were broken; I didn't even receive a citation. Again I think you've pointed me to something; even if I had gone to jail (just like the having drugs or alcohol to blame) I would still feel the guilt. So it goes back to working with whomever I need to to cleanse my soul. And you are most certainly correct in that we are punishing ourselves way too much...I just don't know anything else; it's been so long.

It's almost scary to think of going back to the "old" me. I feel like I deserve the pain, the anguish. Until that is wiped from my mind, I don't know that I can find peace. That is what I am working towards though, and you guys (all of you, but you in particular Al) have already and still are helping me leaps and bounds. I can't believe half the stuff I've already put out here for all to see. I finally feel safe to let my real thoughts come out, all of my dark secrets that no one person knows, although each person I'm close to knows a piece. I've never come clean like I have here...and it feels really good.

I really like talking with you Al; it's Clayton by the way.

Regards,
Clayton