Childhood Shame- Now I Get The Feeling

[Scandinavgirl]

I think I have hidden away the feeling of shame - until now.
I thought of it yesterday when I finally put myself together and went to the hairdresser, and I both hated it and liked it. I hated that my looks were in the centre of attention - at the same time it felt good to treat myself.
But I did not want the hairdresser to wash my hair, touch it, cut it. I did not want her to see me. I felt ashamed.
Don`t exactly now what I was ashamed of. Me. Myself. My body. My hair.

I realised then, this strong uncomfortable feeling I have been feeling lately is shame. I look at my body and I dont want to relate to it. I feel my body, and I dont want to relate to it. I want to be close to my husband, but I dont want to relate to my body.

I was physically and emotionally abused, not sexually (not as I can remember, anyway). But sometimes I feel like I was sexually abused. Dirty and ashamed. But maybe this is a good thing? I do not hide the feeling any more, even though I believe it always has been buried inside me.

Can anyone relate?
Just needed to write this down. Not looking forward to bring this up in therapy...

 

[Ronin]

Not looking forward to bring this up in therapy...

Maybe you could talk about the event of hairdresser, how that made you feel, reframe that single day, without touching the huge field of shame right away?
Work at reframing & reprocessing on the seemingly small bit that even allowed for the huge feeling resurface, and is fresh enough in your memory it might be acessible to therapeutic work better?

 

[Leigh925]

I kind of think that even though all of us on here have very unique and individual situations...I would think that shame is the one thing that most of us have in common and can relate too. I am riddled with it! I have very very slowly been working on it in therapy. It cuts pretty deep so I start to dissociate a little bit when we try to talk about it....but it is definitely at the core of my trauma. I am not even sure I would have the magnitude of symptoms I have if it were not for shame...I fI got rid of that....I think I could live and function with the rest!

 

[Pakadlangitok]

Mercy. I have a lot of shame and why I don;'t know!! I was the one abused so why is not the abuser ashamed? The hair thing.....I prefer to wear a knit cap out in public even if it is 100 degrees. I have all different kinds. I feel safe that way. Why? I do not know. If someone touches my hair forget it. I will f-ing freak.

 

[katz]

I think I have hidden away the feeling of shame - until now.
I thought of it yesterday when I fi...

Thank you for writing this. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who does not want their hair cut.. I have never even had it washed by anyone but me. I just go in to wait my turn and can barely sit still. All I want to do is get up and run out.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm sorry that you're suffering with this shame. Like you, I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I realized recently that I am ashamed of my very existence, and that the shame has controlled every aspect of my life, which has been a lie from start until about a year ago. I was ashamed to show people who I really was.

This is why my PTSD diagnosis was a gift to me. I have to face my shame and heal. It's working, slowly but steadily.

I hope you can discover what is driving your shame so that you can heal from it. :hug: