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Does anyone else get this feeling they are making it all up?


New Here
I know its a wierd topic, I just wanted to see if there is anyone else feeling this way. Most of the time I literlaly feel like I cant do anything, or that Im just not able to be happy (thats an understatment). But than I acuse myself for just making it all up, just this feeling that if I choose to be happy and productive I could really he this way, but on the other hand it really never works. I get super motivated sometimes but than really cant get things done, or be consistent about my choises. I feel like there are two people inaide of me, one is functioning in the real world and when he tries to talk about all the sh*t going in his head it all feels like nonsense. On the other hand there is my inner experience which is deeply deeply depressed. So I get the feeling that maybe im just making it all up cause when people ask me I cant say anything besides "all is good" than feeling for a brief moment Im ok than going back to suffering. Anyone else feel the same? It drives me mad sometimes. Thanks for reading
A smallish side benefit to having gone completely off the rails for several years? Is that back then…

- When I was okay, I spent time around people. (Working, buying things, whatever, the daily interactions most people don’t “count”, in the search & valuation of better relationships // AS WELL AS // made friends, dated

- And when I wasn’t okay? I was either entirely on my own (think hike a day and a half, up to a couple of weeks, thataway; alone-alone, not alone in a crowd), or only around people I didn’t mind hurting.

Many Years Later (after unf*cking my head & my life), when my head & my life went sideways, again? I had work, school, friends, family, all tangled up in my business. I had decided NOT to just strike off on my own, this time, but to keep trying to live my life.

Same shit happened, as when I was entirely on my own.

Whether there were people there to suck it up for and put on a good face, or not. And whether or not I was even able to suck it up, or not.
i have spent a good deal of time waffling between thinking i made it all up and wishing i made it all up. for sure i haven't made it up that i'm batshit crazy. proof available.

whatever the actuals of the factuals, i can't do no more than my honest best with what i have to work with at any given moment.
Yes, "How are you?" can feel like a loaded question.

I think it can come from minimizing, denial, too painful or impossible to want to look back at, let alone have to talk about it, +/or thinking (I) have to just pull myself up by the bootstraps/ get over it and myself, and frustration and shame when I can't (over 'nothing', in my mind).

I am often shocked by what people seem traumatized over, and yet now even small things break me down.

I suppose what's a bit helpful (but can be hard to do) is accepting it's not weak to have symptoms, and the symptoms come because what has occurred, not the other way around.

Welcome to you.