Shame Of Sexual Assault

[Blizzard]

I feel very bad about how my body involuntarily responded when I was sexually assaulted. I know, it's not my fault. But it haunts me. It makes me very ashamed of my body and any involuntary responses it has to anything. Dating is hard. Sex makes me want to die. I feel ashamed of how it responds even to stimulation I do want.

I'm in therapy but there is no way I can tell my therapist about this yet.

I feel so alone. I feel so hopeless that this will never change. I don't know what to do. Please please help. :(

 

[Malomol]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/an-orgasm-during-sexual-abuse-does-not-mean-you-liked-it.86518/

 

[Blizzard]

Thanks for the article. It's helpful to have the validation.

I know why my body responded like it did - but I still hate it and I'm deeply ashamed of it. I now try to control my body too much. Somehow, I can't seem to get myself out of this horrible state.

 

[Enej]

I had the same response many times when I was assaulted as well. Don't ask me why sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't. Now I seem to get almost no response ever to consensual things even when I want it. And if I do get a response it tends to just throw me into a flashback and I don't feel it anyways because I'm dissociated.

I wish I could help you, but I struggle with it too. Even though I know it means I didn't want it, and there's nothing I could have done, that doesn't make it any easier to know I have no control over any of it. Not having control is one of the scariest things to me when it comes to anything.

I did talk to my therapist about it, and at least with mine, it was not as awkward as I thought it would be. Periodically he'd ask about similar things anyways, so then I just brought it up on my own one day. It didn't help my body react any differently, but it did make me feel a little bit better about it.

 

[Ibo]

the fact that your body responded in no way indicates you enjoyed, or wanted the rape to happen. the human body's nervous system is a complex system of transmitters and receptors. It is designed to respond to stimuli. It, the perriferial (sp) nervous system is not designed to interpet the source of the stimuli to determine if it is wanted stimuli or not, it simply responds.
It is like a light switch, when it is engaged the light comes on. It does not does not matter that the switch is accidentally engage, it just turns on the light.
So when your body's nerve receptors were stimulated and reacted; your body was not giving approval of what was happening, it was not validating the act, it was simply responding to the stimli.
The central nervous system, the brain that holds our cognative ability, understood what was happening and was replused by it, hated it, and rejects any part of it as acceptable.
You, as a person, responded appropriately by hating what was happening. You have no reason to be ashamed. I truly hope that you are able to accept that.
I am not asking you to forgive yourself, for there is nothing to forgive. You were the victim of an horrible act. I truly hope that you find your healing from this trauma

 

[Timani]

I understand. I had my first and only orgasm during rape. Intellectually I know that it is all just the body doing what it does. But my rapist was a pedophile and he coached me into orgasm while raping me. I did what he said because I was afraid not to.

I hate that he "taught" me.

 

[Bohuf]

I understand that, and as for you doing what he told you because you were afraid; you did what you needed to do to survive.
How I wish I could lift the guilt and shame off of you. You were, and are innocent of anything wrong in this matter. You are a victim , and I am sorry for all he took from you.
I pray that you will be able to find peace, and no longer hold your body at fault.
Consider making a resolution that you will no longer allow your rapist to hold you capitive to the past, and that from this day forward you are going to embrace the present, and start building a healthy and happy life.
If, at anytime, you need a friend to talk to, feel free to contact me.