Shame Over The Little Things

[NicG]

I wish people understood how big the "little" things are in terms of flashbacks. Sometimes I don't go back to the exact point of sexual assault. Sometimes I go back to the days he was grooming me. Those were a different type of traumatic, but traumatic all the same. But it's almost as f people think that's "not so bad"

I feel alone about the way I was groomed. I was a kid, he was older and cooler and how exciting it was to get attention from him. He liked pain, but I didn't know. He joked about how he had "wedgie fights" with his younger brother. I'd laugh. He joked about doing it to me when he saw me. Little weird, but it was only a joke... Right?

Obviously it escalated to full on domestic violence gradually. But that's the part of the story I can't admit to anyone. Wven though i just had a massive flashback to it. Many years later, after he was gone, I stumbled across an image online of a girl being wedgied by a man. I was confused. I read the comments. Turns out it was porn. It just made me even more ashamed, like that's really where he got the idea from. Like it was always sexual to him. There's nothing to be ashamed of.... Right??

 

[rightkindofme]

*You* have nothing to be ashamed of. *You* did not do bad things. You had bad things happen to you, which is different.

I'm sorry it hurts.

 

[Changing4Best]

Any kind of violence toward YOU was wrong on his part, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

I remember the grooming part of it too, and some of it was definitely upsetting. So when you think about that, try to ground yourself, get your mind off of it, however you can (other than using a substance, of course).

 

[ekane]

Hey, as a fellow sexual abuse survivor I am telling you that no part of the story is "LITTLE." No detail of being groomed and abused is little. Every detail is insidious, disturbing, and terrifying beyond all words. Just want to make sure you really understand absorb that.

 

[ghotiff]

being groomed and abused ... Every detail is insidious, disturbing

It's difficult remembering things that as an adult it's clear were grooming moments ... but as a child, we didn't know. Sometimes it's these moments that hold more shame than the times that the mainstream would consider "abuse".

My second abuser would smile and squeeze my hand. Horrible.

 

[NicG]

After I posted that, I went to bed and had a nightmare about having accidentally posted it to Facebook, and everyone finding out. It was scary!

But waking up to your kind responses has definitely helped. Thankyou guys, I feel less alone now. Really feeling the love.

No detail of being groomed and abused is little

Thankyou very much. I'm trying to let that sink in.