MalkatHaMuzika
New Here
Hello friends,
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was going through a rough time in my life, feeling like I just wasn't meeting the right kinds of friends and finding the kind of community I so desired. I believe this social unhappiness led me into a lot of compromising situations with people that I did know, but that were certainly not right for me. Nothing sexual went down, but physically intimate acts took place. I ended up falling into a very bizarre relationship last spring/summer with someone who ended up being emotionally and sexually abusive. I have always wanted to want until marriage to do anything sexual, and made this very clear almost immediately, but this person really didn't care about that and took advantage of me while I was in such a vulnerable position.
Over a year later, I still think about the things that happened every day. I feel guilt and shame and mostly, disappointment in myself. I know that these feelings are very common amongst survivors of (sexual) abuse, but even so, it is very challenging to heal from all that occurred. I often feel angry at myself for beginning to initiate "sexual" acts with my abuser, though this did not occur until after he had already been pressuring and coercing me into doing compromising things. I try to understand what I was thinking at the time, and I feel that sometimes I am coming to some answers. Even so, it is practically unconscionable for me to accept that things were so bad last year that I was driven to act in this way. I have read a great deal about this subject and apparently, victims "re-victimizing" themselves is fairly common. Still, it is very hard to accept.
Sometimes, especially because of the fact that I began initiating "sexual" activity with my abuser, I feel like a fraud, like I've failed in some regard with respect to waiting until marriage for this stuff. Has anyone else been in this position before?
I should add that I recently found a great article that encourages survivors of sexual abuse to try to differentiate between sexual abuse and sex itself, which is something I have been trying to do. The article even says that approaching one's abuser for (sexual) attention, having an orgasm, and a bunch of other things after the abuse has already begun, still doesn't make victim/survivors responsible for the abuse. Sometimes I guess I feel like I was, in a way, abusing myself though, by initiating "sexual" activity.
Rationally, I keep telling myself I haven't had any proper sexual experiences, but it's like emotionally, I still can't believe that...
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was going through a rough time in my life, feeling like I just wasn't meeting the right kinds of friends and finding the kind of community I so desired. I believe this social unhappiness led me into a lot of compromising situations with people that I did know, but that were certainly not right for me. Nothing sexual went down, but physically intimate acts took place. I ended up falling into a very bizarre relationship last spring/summer with someone who ended up being emotionally and sexually abusive. I have always wanted to want until marriage to do anything sexual, and made this very clear almost immediately, but this person really didn't care about that and took advantage of me while I was in such a vulnerable position.
Over a year later, I still think about the things that happened every day. I feel guilt and shame and mostly, disappointment in myself. I know that these feelings are very common amongst survivors of (sexual) abuse, but even so, it is very challenging to heal from all that occurred. I often feel angry at myself for beginning to initiate "sexual" acts with my abuser, though this did not occur until after he had already been pressuring and coercing me into doing compromising things. I try to understand what I was thinking at the time, and I feel that sometimes I am coming to some answers. Even so, it is practically unconscionable for me to accept that things were so bad last year that I was driven to act in this way. I have read a great deal about this subject and apparently, victims "re-victimizing" themselves is fairly common. Still, it is very hard to accept.
Sometimes, especially because of the fact that I began initiating "sexual" activity with my abuser, I feel like a fraud, like I've failed in some regard with respect to waiting until marriage for this stuff. Has anyone else been in this position before?
I should add that I recently found a great article that encourages survivors of sexual abuse to try to differentiate between sexual abuse and sex itself, which is something I have been trying to do. The article even says that approaching one's abuser for (sexual) attention, having an orgasm, and a bunch of other things after the abuse has already begun, still doesn't make victim/survivors responsible for the abuse. Sometimes I guess I feel like I was, in a way, abusing myself though, by initiating "sexual" activity.
Rationally, I keep telling myself I haven't had any proper sexual experiences, but it's like emotionally, I still can't believe that...
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