She’s engaged now

[Anon1]

A friend of mine is on the fringes of her social circle.
He let me know yesterday.

This is with the guy who called me and threatened me.

They’ve been together four months.

There’s definitely a limit to how deeply upset I am - I don’t want her back, and I’ve really turned a corner in recent weeks.

But I have to go back to her city next week, and the news has for sure stirred some feelings back up.

It’s hard not to feel like it was me who was inadequate the whole time.

She used to say “I want you to pursue me all-in, so that I can say ‘yes or no’; and then I can feel safe!”
I used to say “I’ve moved five hundred miles to date you, but I need to see that youre safe for me to go ‘all-in‘ with, before I can do that.”

Now I wonder if this guy‘s gone all-in straight away, and if it really *was* what she needed the whole time.

My wisdom says no… it says that she’s just anxiously rushed right in with someone she must barely even know so far.
She was getting upset with me for moving city to be with her on a Thursday, not a Tuesday; and staying in my own choice of place in the city rather than her choice; and not spending Christmas with her family because I wanted to see mine instead (after only six months of dating).

She treated me badly in all sorts of ways… all kinds of aggressive boundary crossing… verbal abuse, sexual boundaries constantly pushed…

But it’s hard not to feel the gut-punch over it.

Because it feels like she found a way to ‘get hers’ just a few months after treating me horribly… and it feels unjust. I didnt want her to be unhappy for ever, but it feels like she hasn’t even had to learn her lesson…

Just venting…!

 

[Sweetpea76]

He just took the bullet you dodged.

 

[Anon1]

He just took the bullet you dodged.

I think I can believe that - I just had a really good therapy session which sort of confronted me with the raw ‘feelingness’ that I have about it; and the naked truth of the relationship.

I still have some processing to do, but i think I can believe that I actually got away with one there.

It still hurts, and in dark moments I still picture her suddenly having a wonderful life totally sewn up… but I recognise that that’s probably not what’s going on.

Don’t get me wrong - it’s really heartening when people honestly confront the truth of themselves, move forward and create a better life; but it’s when someone treats you badly, does nothing to make amends and then seems to be rewarded for it somehow… that’s what can sting.

But I’ll move onwards and upwards :)

ps - I like your avatar btw!

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am dealing with a lot of those feelings right now. My wife of 27 years decided we need to send some time apart about a month ago. I don’t think she is seeing anyone else, but who knows. She wants limited contact, one zoom call a week. She says texts and emails are ok but she rarely responds. She says it will take at least 3-4 months for her to figure out what she wants to do in regards to the marriage. When we do talk she is like a wall, not opening up at all. I can’t tell is it is bravado or what. She says she has been so busy she really hasn’t thought about the relationship and then she will go on about how free she feels. Of course I am crushed, alone and in limbo.

 

[Anon1]

I am dealing with a lot of those feelings right now. My wife of 27 years decided we need to send some time apart about a month ago. I don’t think she is seeing anyone else, but who knows. She wants limited contact, one zoom call a week. She says texts and emails are ok but she rarely responds. She says it will take at least 3-4 months for her to figure out what she wants to do in regards to the marriage. When we do talk she is like a wall, not opening up at all. I can’t tell is it is bravado or what. She says she has been so busy she really hasn’t thought about the relationship and then she will go on about how free she feels. Of course I am crushed, alone and in limbo.

Oh man, I'm so sorry that you're going through that.
I just can't imagine how painful that must be.

Is this the first time that she's behaved quite so drastically?

If it helps to set your mind at rest, I only dated this girl for six months; and I ignored/missed/didn't really understand a number of red flags which I could've seen very early on. It was deeply painful because it was like nothing I've experienced before, and featured a combination of extreme, accelerated intimacy coupled with sudden aggressiveness/discards etc. Very emotionally confusing, and intellectually nonsensical at times...!

(Okay - to be fair, the situation ran beyond six months. From first meeting her to June when things fully ended, it was about 18 months. But six months of the intense, full-on relationship stuff.)

She told me that she has CPTSD, but she spoke to six different psychologists before being given that diagnosis (it was very much 'I know I have this, I just need to find someone to confirm it') - 'informed' people that I've spoken to have generally said they think there might be more going on with her than a single diagnoses of CPTSD. It almost seems more like BPD, but possibly something else in there too.

The only reason I say all that is to point out that it might not be analogous to your situation in such a way that you should fear the worst because of it.

I know you know that, but I'm just kinda... providing paths for your brain to walk down which don't involve the worst case scenario(!)

Anyway... again -

I'm really sorry.

I don't know the right way forward for you, but I hope that whatever you choose to do/whatever happens next leads to healing, growth and good things.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it will now, but I hope it does.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Yes it is the first time we have separated. We are having a zoom call tonight and then she is off for a girls weekend in Denver. I am fine with that as she has been doing that for years. The hardest part for me is hanging in limbo. Some days are better than others. I think today is harder because I expect to face the coldness again tonight.

 

[Anon1]

Yes it is the first time we have separated. We are having a zoom call tonight and then she is off for a girls weekend in Denver. I am fine with that as she has been doing that for years. The hardest part for me is hanging in limbo. Some days are better than others. I think today is harder because I expect to face the coldness again tonight.

I really hope it goes well for you - whatever that means in this context

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you. I’m struggling today so your well wishes are appreciated.

 

[Anon1]

Thank you. I’m struggling today so your well wishes are appreciated.

For sure!

Hang in there - you’re not alone :)