She Isn't Going To Change

[shimmerz]

I don't think you @Solara were mixing up terms. I feel like your mother in order to not take responsibility tried to mislable what she was doing to you and continues to try to do. Doing one thing and calling it another. I was not saying you were at fault at all in this.

I agree with @Pencil. I feel like you were trained to accept gaslighting etc when you were young enough not to know better. I am so glad that you have the support of your priest. It sounds like she is giving you what you need. Being understood. It also sounds like you trust that. That is just amazing. That keeps your energy headed in a positive direction. And you are fighting for it. You aren't giving up. That is your right and am so glad you are holding your ground. It gives a good base for healing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have heard of gaslighting before but don't know much about it. I'll do some research to see what its all about. Thanks.

 

[ghotiff]

@Solara - Gaslighting is amazing. Once I understood it a whole new level of insights opened up for me.

There is a movie (which is where the term was coined from). Its an old movie: Gaslight (1944). The movie wasn't triggering for me (scary yes, but not triggering) but I was in pretty good emotional place when I saw it. If movies don't bother you...its a great way to understand what Gaslighting is.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@ghotiff,
I just reserved "Gaslight" from the local library. I'll be able to pick it up next week and watch it.

 

[ghotiff]

I hope you enjoy it....it is a scary movie. If you watch it with someone, my suggestion is to ask them to not comment on it (and don't comment on it yourself). I watched it with someone and had so many ah-ha moments....but they didn't 'get' it like I 'got' it.

 

[greenleaf]

@Solara, have you perchance seen this site, about personality disorders, and possible effects that folks who have them, can have on people around them? (Sorry for all the commas there, it's late.) It helped me with some boundary issues. There are lots of types of these but some common themes.
http://outofthefog.net/

 

[nursenurse]

We are called to love one another. We do not ever have to like them.

 

[shimmerz]

Gaslighting can do serious damage but as @ghotiff mentioned once you understand it, it is powerful how we can see through other's actions and not take them on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@greenleaf,
Thanks for mentioning that site. It seems helpful. I joined.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oy. That out of the fog website seems to be a bit, uhm, well, I can't find the exact right word. It just seems a bit different than here in that there's more blind support I guess you could say? Well, rather than seeing things a bit more objectively, a lot of stuff is blamed on the personality disorder, when it may not all be about the personality disorder. I mean that here, members are pretty quick to point out when something is PTSD and when something is not or may not be PTSD, but there, not so much. I read one post where if you viewed the actions from a normal point of view, what happened didn't seem to be all that bad...well, bad at all! But under the veil of a personality disorder, it was a horrible violation of ones boundaries....oh the horrors! Don't get me wrong, the site is helpful, but sometimes I rather just be fed it straight than be told "oh you poor baby, you're such a victim of the horrible personality disordered person!" But hey, that's just my take on things.

 

[greenleaf]

@Solara -- I haven't read the forums much there and don't know which you've read; I've mostly read their info pages, so I can't really comment precisely... One thing that occurs to me about personality disorder -related behavior is that it can be very difficult to tell from normal behavior, except in a larger context... sometimes the person is missing the ability to do some normal emotional things, and people don't realize that for quite a while since not every response is appropriate all the time. Sometimes it's patterns of the person's behavior, that people around them can't see until they've seen the pattern repeated enough times (and understood what they were seeing.) Other people may not believe that the pattern is there at all, due to their own issues or whatever.

So, if one were reading a post there, the larger context of what's being reported might be totally missing. I don't know if this is relevant to what you read.

 

[Pencil]

One thing that occurs to me about personality disorder -related behavior is that it can be very difficult to tell from normal behavior, except in a larger context... sometimes the person is missing the ability to do some normal emotional things, and people don't realize that for quite a while since not every response is appropriate all the time. Sometimes it's patterns of the person's behavior, that people around them can't see until they've seen the pattern repeated enough times (and understood what they were seeing.)

Off topic: this makes a lot of sense, and which explains why I find it difficult to explain Twisted Sister to people, for her 'in the moment' behaviour looks so normal to others. Thanks @greenleaf :)