Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd - An Update

[Tibbles123]

So my girlfriend, well ex has PTSD - I first wrote about it in the link here:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/she-left-me-due-to-ptsd.60773/

By way of background she was physically abused by her stepfather and father and was in an office in the military.

To summarize we started fast and then we both realized we needed to slow down. She had an episode and had leave about 6 weeks ago, but things have been sort of off. No want to be intimate, not very affectionate, but we were talking everyday professing our love for each other and really talking through things to allow us to "mesh" with all that is going on. She was very cognizant of the fact she was in "bad time" with her PTSD. I was very understanding and never got angry or fight back when she would be mean or hurtful about things. I would just let it roll off and if I woke up the next day and it would bother me, I would talk to her about it when she seemed receptive. This really seemed to work and we were making head way and I felt like we were really getting closer.

So an update.

As I said before she came back and we were slowly trying to get right and trying to mesh and iron out our issues over the last six weeks and were doing really well. Not perfect, but I knew she loved me and I loved her.

All of a sudden, this past Monday she stops talking to me. No response to calls or texts. Then she sends me a text -- a text! -- saying "we just aren't compatible and as much as I want this, this isn't anything I want anymore."

I respond puzzled and asking her not to say that because no less than 24 hours ago she told me she loved me with her entire soul. I send her an email assuring her I won't leave and I'm still here. She texts me this morning telling me that she feels "we aren't compatible and I need to accept and respect that."

I tell her that is messed up thing to do over text, but the airline tickets I bought for her and I to see her family in FL are still good and she can feel free to use hers without me. I also say I don't understand how someone can tell me 30 hours earlier that they "love me with their soul" and "have never been so open with someone as she is with me which speaks volumes of her love for me" to saying "we aren't compatible." She then tells me something so hurtful - she " wasn't emotionally in the relationship, and was only saying it because I wasn't sure what to really feel and if I had said otherwise it wouldn't have been taken lightly, as have my other thoughts and feelings have not been taken lightly. So with that, I'm going to decline your trip offer and move forward."

That was so cold! I just replied to say "I hope you get your dream. I am just saddened I won't be part of it" and ended communication. Her dream was to have a house, kids, and a husband. That was supposed to be me and what we were planning for us in the future as soon as last Friday.

I am broken, angry and hurt by all of this. Plus she sounds pretty concise and logical to the point where I don't think this is her having an episode, but really how she feels. I'm pretty sure she's gone for good.

Thoughts? Is it normal for a sufferer to lash out like this? Is my hope utterly hopeless?

R.

 

[Zanshin]

Pretty normal, though I can't speak for the utterly hopeless. I'd think the text was so you couldn't talk her out of it, or perhaps so you couldn't hear she was hurting when pushing you away. It's easier to stand solid on a "no, go away" to words on a screen than it is another voice.... Or heavens forbid, in person.

Emotions getting too deep or significant can trigger a backlash and pushing someone away - a protective mechanism to not be hurt again, which happens when you open up enough to trust someone.

 

[Tibbles123]

Pretty normal, though I can't speak for the utterly hopeless. I'd think the text was so you couldn't...

I know pushed her a bit to get the "i haven't had emotions in this" I was just trying to reassure her I was still here for her and not going anywhere and that I love her.

 

[Zanshin]

With PTSD, those are really, really hard emotions to process. Love expresses and requires a certain amount of vulnerability.

If someone wants to be with me, for example, that evil little inner voice is saying that they're just saying it to get close to me to hurt me, so it can't be trusted. Thus, pushing people away is protection... And that entire train of thought can happen just below the surface to where it's not even realized yet acted upon.

 

[Tibbles123]

With PTSD, those are really, really hard emotions to process. Love expresses and requires a ce...

@Zanshin so when it's this definite like that, this adamant. Does a sufferer come to her/his senses and realize that it was just a defense mechanism? or in your experience is what's done done?

 

[Zanshin]

It depends where they're at in healing, if they're triggered, etc. I don't know the full circumstances between you two - that would be a question for her, but I'd wait... It's tricky to answer on how to work with her or help her if she is that firm on her answer, I don't know how receptive she'd be to a "I am worried about you and here if you need me" text, but I wouldn't overwhelm her with messages.

As far as the coldness in her text, she may have meant it. She may have been dissociated when texting and not able to feel emotions, so thought she meant it. And she may have been colder to push you away more. There are a lot of options, I'm sure I haven't listed them all, and I don't know which is accurate for her.

One user here (I'm so sorry, I forget who and it's such a fantastic idea) mentioned that in their relationship there was a deal for no breakups allowed when triggered as emotions run hot then.

 

[Tibbles123]

@Zanshin Yes. We had that deal too after she bailed the first time. I saw that on here and that's where I got it from. I know promises like that can be thrown by the wayside when triggered though. I don't think she would be too responsive to any communication right now. She's gone. I need to accept that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Numbness is another possibility.

 

[Tibbles123]

Numbness is another possibility.

@Junebug - you mean like she feels nothing right now? Has no ability to? Can't that last a long time? Do they ever come back from it and realize what had happened? I'm sorry... I am having a hard time this afternoon and mind is racing.

 

[Tibbles123]

It depends where they're at in healing, if they're triggered, etc. I don't know the full circumstanc...

@Zanshin I took your suggestion and I decided to send her an email. Just said "I want you to know - I am worried about you and I'm here for you if you ever need me."

I've done all I can. If she comes back that's great. I know I've done everything I could to be understanding, show her I still love her and I am here for her. I perhaps could have taken the cue to back a little better than I did Monday night, but I am human and did nothing, but act concerned toward her. At least I can say I have no regrets and I truly want her have happiness - Maybe it that I was too good to her and she couldn't handle it, I don't know probably never will. .

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Tibbles123 I don't know the particulars of your story, but oh yes, numbness= feeling nothing. I've even wondered, if it has to do with screwing up memory recall, because many memories are state-dependent, especially positive/ kind/ loving ones.

Oh yes you come back from it, probably faster without drinking, or self-justification, anger or such. It can last for hours, a few days, or much much much longer.

It could also be, as others have said, fear.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Zanshin At least I can say I have no regrets and I truly want her have happiness - Maybe it that I was too good to her and she couldn't handle it, I don't know probably never will. .

Yes. And it took a lot for you to do that.