Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd

[Tibbles123]

Hi - So I found this forum searching for support.

My girlfriend (31)and I (34) have been dating for three months. It moved very fast, but we were perfect - soulmates. I never had opened up to someone like this before and she has not either.

She was physically abused by her father and step-father growing up and served about 10 years as an officer in the military. She told me right away she had PTSD, but to be honest I had no idea what that entailed. She attends counseling with a psychiatrist and she said she has it under pretty good control. We were in bliss. Saw eachother nearly every weekend (she is studying to be nurse about 2 hours away) and talked every day on the phone via facetime. On her way to visit me for this past week she took a wrong exit in rush hour and it was very stressful - this was a trigger - she said it brought her back to Afganistan. When she got to my place she was bothered, but seemed to be working through it. As the week went on she got more and more distant. I thought it was me. She told me it wasn't and she just has to work through it. She did say she was wondering why we moved so fast - we were planning on getting married when she was done with school next summer and I having a child shortly thereafter. All of the sudden she didn't want to do anything we had planned and seemed to only find happiness when we went shopping. She talked to me about her need to see her therapist and she was embarrassed and ashamed about it. I assured her it was nothing to worry about. She then tells me she feels like she ruined everything. I assured her nothing of the sort have occurred and I love her very much. I admit I didn't handle the distance well and we argued on Friday and again on Saturday morning. I left after the argument on Saturday to cool off and not say something I would regret. I come back to find her packing her car. She then comes up and sits quietly for 5 minutes and gets up and leaves. I text her to please come back then I find the key to my apartment under a rock by my door. She texts me as she's leaving town that she can't come back she's too overwhelmed. I text her I found the key and that I love her and She finally responds telling me she thought I didn't want to deal with this. I told her that I do I want her and all of her. she then says she needs time to "regroup." I wanted to reassure her she has nothing to worry about that I am here for her I support her and her corner and she's perfect for me and I for her. I probably send about 10 texts over the span of Saturday. I get a text Sunday stating "This is too much for me to handle. I'm sorry for hurting you I know what it's like to be hurt, but my heart is somewhere else and i have a lot to work on. I'm so sorry. So very sorry." She blocked my number and won't return my calls. I've stopped calling and texting since this morning (Monday). I just told her that "I hope her doctor appointment goes well. I'm here for you xxxx and you are loved very much."

I haven't heard a word from her. I am in agony. This woman is my heart and soul. I sent her a hand written letter in the mail this morning. Letting her know I support her she has no reason to feel guilty or bad about any of this and I will always be here for her.

I know pushed too hard and that was extremely selfish of me. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Did I ruin this? Is she gone forever?

Thanks

R

 

[Deleted member 33052]

She is the only one who knows the answer to that question.

It sounds like you did your best under very trying circumstances, and you've done everything you can do to convince her to come back to you. You can wait for her, or you can move forward with your life.

She's made a real effort to distance herself from you. I hate to say it, but I think you need to move forward... Sorry. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

One bit of advice.... You have to back off.

It's hasn't even been 72 hours since she's left. How many texts? And a letter?

If there was a glimmer of hope, you are probably completely freaking her out. If it's over, you are definitely nailing the coffin shut.

Boundaries and feeling safe are very important for somebody sufferering from PTSD, and you're crossing them.

I'm a supporter too... Been there done that. I think we all have in done way. Trust me though, you need to relax.

 

[Thanks]

She is the only one who knows the answer to that question.

It sounds like you did your best under...

Thanks for your reply. I know it's pretty hopeless. I just love her so much and we were so happy then all of sudden she's gone. I feel like my heart has ripped out of my chest.

 

[Tibbles3]

One bit of advice.... You have to back off.

It's hasn't even been 72 hours since she's left. How ma...

Thanks. I am freaking out. I won't call her or communicate with her again. My head is just spinning because I never thought this could happen.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Thanks for your reply. I know it's pretty hopeless. I just love her so much and we were so happy then all of sudden she'...

Oh, I do understand that. I'm astonished at how PTSD messes with relationships - mine included. :(

 

[glass half full]

Thanks. I am freaking out. I won't call her or communicate with her again. My head is just spinning because I never t...

I understand how painful being blown off like this can be. You didn't see it coming and have no idea what happened or why. Been there. Don't beat yourself up for being honest. You didn't and couldn't have understood what both you and she were and are dealing with. My BF broke it off with me via email. I had no idea it was coming and it made no sense. For me, hurt comes out first as anger and I am very verbal. I unloaded quite a few mean volleys. I hurt, badly, and I was honest about the fact that he had hurt me.

At that point I thought I understood about PTSD. I could not have been more wrong. Six months later, I know a lot more and I still don't know much.

As much as it would be lovely for someone to be able to tell you that she needs x number of weeks and she'll be back, there's no such recipe book. Even if she comes back that doesn't mean she will stay. In my situation he did not completely sever communication, although went dark for a week or two from time to time. Just when things were looking up for putting things back together, he went dark again. One, very brief email, in four weeks. There is just no way of predicting, unless- perhaps, you have been together for some years. That's where you are though.

Forgive yourself for only doing the best you could in a stunning and hurtful situation. It may be a consolation to learn more about PTSD and the people here are very supportive. Take care of yourself. And only time will tell. But don't give up on living your own life.

 

[Casey_03]

I would echo what others said here about the importance of backing off, but also add that you shouldn't worry about how she's feeling, whether she's feeling guilty or bad, etc. The fact of the matter is, if she is dealing with PTSD, she'd likely be feeling guilty and crappy anyway. And ultimately, she really needs to focus on herself right now and you need to focus on you.

 

[Tibbles123]

I would echo what others said here about the importance of backing off, but also add that you shouldn't...

Thanks @Casey_03
I just want her to know I'm not going anywhere. I fear I pushed too hard and she's gone for good. She has my heart and I ruined it because I was so scared of losing her.

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think you ruined it, it sounds like her mind was made up anyway. She needs time, but you never know what could happen down the road. The main thing is letting her have space right now, because if you do push, she probably will stay away for good. If you don't, she may come back.

 

[Suzetig]

You may not want to hear this but I can really understand her becoming freaked out. 3 months isn't long at all in a relationship and to have marriage and children all mapped out so quickly is a lot for anyone to cope with, no matter how much they love you and you love them, it's very early days for such life changing decisions.

Back off, a lot, even when you think you've given her space keep backing off. She needs to get her head straight and deal with her health and it might be a good opportunity for you to reflect on the pace of things. If you love her and she loves you, why the hurry to get married, have kids etc - you have time to plan a future at a pace you can both cope with. I know it's hard and you're hurting so take time to get yourself on an even keel and learn about PTSD because, if you are going to be together, you'll be dealing with this together for a long time.

 

[Tibbles123]

You may not want to hear this but I can really understand her becoming freaked out. 3 months isn't long...

Oh I know it was fast. I didn't initiate the pace, she did. I'm usually quite cautious. I don't know what else to say other than it felt as though we "clicked." Everything was perfect, but I had in the back of mind it was too good to be true. I just don't get it. Just over a week ago she said she wouldn't be able to cope if she ever lost me she would be just devastated.