Shit - My Life Full of Abuse and Rejection

[TScorpio1]

I am so tired of being angry. I just don't want to have this anymore. Each day I'm more and more negative. Quick History in WAY short:

My mom lost custody of me at 2 when they took me from the house, as I was locked in my room with a bowl of food and water - so she could go out. Living with my dad was pure hell as he drank, beat, shot guns, used machedes, held axes, killed my pets, beat some more - till I got taken away at 11, for the courts to decide. He died at 39 from Cirhossis. So, yep, he was a hardcore drinker. My mom has only tried to be a parent for 3 years of my 35 years and I'm pissed about that too. She was no angel neither in mental or physical means. Rejection anyone?

So now, instead of dealing "normally" with these day to day marriage, school, work, relationship, children issues - I'm just so pissed every day. So, does one leave a marriage because one feels them selves more angry each day they wake up? Is it normal for the father of his biological daughter to put her off every day and me, her step mother to take over - then feeling total resentment, because here's another ****ed up parent I'm dealing with in my life? Am I being selfish??????????????? I don't think so.

I just don't want to struggle with eveness anymore...............

Yes, going to counseling. Any ideas????????? Thanks for letting me vent.

Real Recognizes Real

 

[Andrea42]

Hi TScorpio1,
All i can say to you is that i understand what it feels like to be angry every single day of my life... i go through that every day without a miss... the only difference is that i did not have the horrible childhood that you had...im sorry....Im angry at my parents but for different reasons... but it does help me to vent. I am actually with my husband who has PTSD and i have no idea what to do...leave...stay...its tough. But you've come this far. and eventhough it may seem as if you are running out of "ideas" im sure someone here at the furom will have good advise... Im sorry it cant be me right now.. but i do not know how to deal with it either...Vent anytime, it helps..trust me

 

[TScorpio1]

=)

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Welcome TScorpio1!!

Wow dude, you've had enough rejection to last a lifetime!

Vent here, it makes you feel better in the end :)

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

 

[carpediem2006]

That kind of rejection does not 'go away'. I had some anger stuff going on for quite a while, but over time am managing to turn that around.

Although this may not apply in your case, in mine I came to understand that the person that I was angry with was themselves not well. The person doing that in fact came from a background that almost mirrors what you are saying (an alcoholic abusive father, followed by terrible fostering). Over time, I have managed to forgive them becuase I understand that the main difference is that that person never recognised that they had a problem, and as a result were similarly aggressive and unpleasant to be around at times.

Noone would make an active choice to die at 39 from cirrhosis. It does not make what he did condoneable, but had he not got to that stage of alcoholism with the affect that it has on the brain, he could have been a different person. It may be over time you get rid of your anger, as the only person the anger damages is you. It interrupts your day, changes how you are around other people etc. It won't happen tomorrow, but I now rarely have anger. Every day you do have anger, the situation is beating you, as it is affecting your life still now. I hope to keep mine under control at least, gone at best.

 

[TScorpio1]

Yes I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Really would like to focus on somehthing to make this anger subside a little. Thanks for your replies. They're all helpful. :wall:

 

[carpediem2006]

You cannot change your past, you can only change your future...
Allowing your anger to continue only allows the past to continue to adversely affect you. The same goes for fear. While it is hard, it is possible.

 

[Deleted member 3]

TScorpio1,

Welcome to the forum. You will find many people here who have suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to be responsible for them. It p@&!es me off!! My natural father was a bastard and my step-father no better, thank god for my mum. I was lucky with that windfall and count my blessings often that I had a mum courageous enough to get us out (me and my brothers) of two already bad, with potential to get much worse situations. My mum left my natural father after he left his man sized hand print on the back of me as a toddler, it wasn't going to get any better from there. My stepfather was an alcoholic. Despite the fact that both of them come from abusive backgrounds I feel no sympathy or remorse for either of them and have not had contact for years. I understand to some extent where you are coming from with the rejection business, I am still dealing with the legacy of their nasty and inadequate parenting skills and that is one of the nasty hangovers. I have also found that anger is another one of those legacies and its probably the hardest to let go of and manage. Life gives you so many reasons to be angry!! Anyhow, I have vowed to be a way better parent than either of them were and I have my mum's example to follow thankfully.

The only thing that saved me was my mum and the fact that her family were outstanding for support. I can well understand you having PTSD from that environment. Of all people I don't get mums the most who will not look after their children, I love my son and the one on the way to bits and pieces. I would do anything to ensure that they are looked after.

 

[anthony]

Hi Scorpio, welcome to the forum.

For both scorpio and andrea, in regard to leaving a spouse. Let me put it as simple as I can for you both. Do you love your partner? Its a yes or no answer, and thats all it is. If the answer is NO, then you need to do what you need to do, if the answer is YES, then the rest is simple, work through the problems. Are the problems going to be resolved in a month, year or two even? Most likely not, because the sheer trauma you both have, and your partner Andrea, it is going to take years of learning how to break the cycles you have become accustomed, and retrain your minds to approach life and events differently.

Anger is actually an emotional response, not so much an emotion by itself, because to get anger, you have other feelings (emotions) which are causing that anger. Try and isolate anger, and you will see that it must come with a feeling (emotion) to be active, ie. hurt, rejected, unloved, etc etc... Whilst some literature will classify anger as an emotion, it is actually an emotional response to another emotion.

Want to rid the anger, then you now need to deal with the emotions.

 

[purdyamos]

TScorpio1 - welcome!

I'm angry too. I overflow with the stuff. I can't stop it leaking out at people. I hate it. I'm with you on the rejection. Sometimes it's so overwhelming and huge it's frightening. :hit-boss:

There are people here that understand, though. Please stick around!

 

[TScorpio1]

Thanks

To all those that offered their opinions and statements. You know, in regards to dealing with the emotions that is enabling this anger; I'm trying. Went to deal with my mom and surprise, she was already gone. She lives about 3 hours away and was visiting my g'ma, so there was my opportunity. Probably would have gotten into a fight anyway. I was prepared for whatever.

Trying to be more recognizant of what people are really trying to do for me, thus in recognizing those efforts, trying to bring a little more positivity into my life.

Just tired of bullsh*t people. The little things just become so overwhelming sometimes. I went to the flea market the other day and someone just totally walked in front of me and I said, "Well that's f**kin rude!". Normally I would just say it in my head................ but it's getting harder for me to do that. Subconsciously "waiting" for someone to react to me? Don't know, but have way too big of a commitment to my son mostly, to be behaving like that! Won't do him any good with me locked up somewhere. Nor would it help my really good career. So......... in time.

But really, I just wanted to say "thank you".

 

[anthony]

The little things just become so overwhelming sometimes. I went to the flea market the other day and someone just totally walked in front of me and I said, "Well that's f**kin rude!". Normally I would just say it in my head................ but it's getting harder for me to do that.

Scorpio,

The little things are becoming so difficult because of the trauma within already. You looked at the PTSD cup already, which gave you a visual idea to what is happening. Great... now what? Now you need to start talking, you need to start getting the trauma out of you, which will then make you capable to handle the little things.

Anger is an issue to go into trauma therapy with, so you need to learn about the anger management components first, which are basically running into dealing with your trauma.

Lets get into the guts of it shall we, and see what light flicks for you. How do you feel at an emotional level about the following:

• My mom lost custody of me at 2 when they took me from the house
• I was locked in my room with a bowl of food and water so she could go out.
• Living with my dad was pure hell as he drank, beat, shot guns, used machedes, held axes, killed my pets, beat some more
• I got taken away at 11, for the courts to decide.
• He died at 39 from Cirhossis.
• My mom has only tried to be a parent for 3 years of my 35 years
• She was no angel neither in mental or physical means.
• Rejection anyone?

Lets start pulling apart what you feel to find some of the causes to your anger.

What is the most significant traumatic event to you from the above list?