Shit That Kept Us Laughing

[Wagon]

When I joined Uncle Ronnies 600 ship Navy. They took literally everyone. Gang Leaders, Mafia hit men, 16 year olds that lied to get in, drug dealers and rapists. We also had few that realized that they had indeed made a mistake in joining.

One night in boot camp I woke up and there was a guy a few racks down standing next to his rack and just pissing on it. He looked up at me and just smiled. Bed wetters and sleep walkers were kicked out immediately in the Navy.

On my first ship there was also a young man in Deck division who decided he wanted out. So he decided to hop on an imaginary Harley Davidson complete with his very own sound effects. Rode the damn thing all over the ship. Was paranoid about it. Dont touch my bike man. He would ride that f*cking thing to muster. Get his job assignment and then jump back on the damn thing and ride it to wherever he was chipping paint that day. The chow line was bitch, because he had to keep it on idle all the time and it would always stall. LMAO. Allot of us played along. Hey Roger, bike is looking good today.

Thanks man, just bought some new chrome.

Finaly after more than few visits to the shrink and some classic displays in front of the Captain and some other ranking officers, he was awarded his psych discharge papers.

And do you know what the f*cker did. He rode that Harley to the bow of the ship. Got off, reved it up, kicked it in gear and rolled it into the harbour. Then he said. Wont need that f*cking thing anymore. What a bastard.

 

[BV101]

And do you know what the f*cker did. He rode that Harley to the bow of the ship. Got off, reved it up, kicked it in gear and rolled it into the harbour. Then he said. Wont need that f*cking thing anymore. What a bastard.

That is genius. Pure genius. If it was not for the fact that we were absolutely surrounded, I would have tried anything like that to get out! That must have took some perseverance.

 

[Anglesachse]

what a waste of a nice bike!

 

[Tim &Bailey]

SOrry I started this and I been out a while more DOcs/Med board /X reared her uglyass head again! Grrrrrrrrrr! Ok enough bitching.

My Hero is my buddy named Bo! Bo was married to a drop dead goregous young lady in our sister squadron for 5 yrs they had no kids so this was easy. When she go back from a deployment she told him I am screwing my boss so get over it I want a divorce since we rent and there is no house I just want half of everything. Well the day she left for a 30 day TDY he turned their home into a dollar general store. Sold everything/ her clothes n his/boat/car/ EVERYTHING for $1.00 - (sold the boat n car to a buddy and bought em back after the court case for 1.00 plus a case of beer.
Ok so his wife is on a 30 day TDY calls home asks for money what does he do he send her a check for what she asked for - Half of everything it was like 300 buck and change. She cashed the check.
When she took his ass to court Judge asked her if she wanted half and made that verbal agreement- SHe says yes and did you cash the check Well again she answered yes.
Judge looked her straight in the eye and said " WHy r we here then? You made a verbal agreement and he held up the bargin" Case DISMISSED!!!!

I laugh everytime I think of that day

 

[Lost Artilleryman]

My twisted sense of humor allows me to laugh at this. Prolly because I knew the guy and I didn't know someone I was fighting along side of would need this sort of "tough love"

I had a private in my section. He had been with the unit for several months. He was chewed. Everything about him, except he was within weight standards. Anyhoot. Being that we were the only artillery support in the area, we spent a lot of time sitting in our M1068 monitoring the net. (Listening to the radio chatter, not MyFacing or checkin out nudie pics) Waiting for a call for fire. Well, as I'm sure most of you know, it gets hot quick whilst wearing full gear. Especially while sitting inside an armored troop carrier with computers, radios and a huge power inverter to power our computers. Well, after several boring and rather uneventful (for us arty guys) days, we began to notice a "stink." It took my chief and I about half of our 12 shift to figure out where the smell was coming from. Our private. Upon discovering this, naturally we had to investigate. We asked him when the last time he took a shower was. Answer, "I dunno, can't remember." Ugh right. Doesn't end there. Leaving ourselves shorthanded, I told him to go wash his ass. A short while later he returned. It didn't take long for us to notice the smell was just as bad. I also noticed that his undershirt was looking a little odd. The neck of the shirt no longer was around his neck. The front of it was sagging a good bit. Sure sign of a dirty shirt. I asked him when the last time he changed his uniform and had his stuff cleaned. By this time in our deployment, we had a "laundry service". Once a week, if our camp was open for supply convoys to run and if locals were allowed on camp to perform their jobs (ie. laundry, haji store, honey bucket clean out, street sweeping etc.) So getting your drawers cleaned at this point was relatively easy. Unknown to me, this guy had already been approached and ordered to fix this issue a couple weeks or so prior. Our platoon SGT had ordered him to shower and change his uniform a couple weeks ago. In addition to this, he had also ordered this troop to number ever item of clothing he had (including socks and underwear). Come to find out, he was still wearing the same undershirt, socks and underwear. They all had the #1 written on them. Needless to say, this guy was a slouch. Late in our deployment, the same private was caught sleeping in his "fart sack" in the guard tower! I couldn't in good conscience recommend article 15 or anything that would take money from him. He was there with us, granted he wasn't doing his job, he was still there. So instead, I made him make a sandwich board that read, "While you were asleep last night, trusting that I was vigilantly guarding you, I chose to sleep as you were." We made him stand at the hand washing station outside the DFAC tent so that every soldier getting chow could see it.

 

[Jimmy1]

Awesome, I would have smacked him around the head for good measure too, and made clean the shitters

 

[Lost Artilleryman]

haha, I totally agree with ya Jimmy. But, like grandpa Simpson told Bart all those years ago. "You can march em off a cliff. You can march em into battle. You just can't slap em."

 

[Barberian]

I had an airman who decided personal hygiene wasn't an issue. We were in the gulf in 110f+ with 99% humidity. It was hard to drink enough water to be able to piss. When you did, it was like yellow syrup. This made your sweat smell like piss too, adding to the natural funk from sweating all day. This airman stunk so bad he would funk up a room within min of his arrival. My supervisor decided it would be my job to get his airman in compliance. I had to order him to take a shower (with soap, had to be explicit in my instructions). I had to wait outside the shower to make sure he took one. I had to inventory his uniforms, which he only had about four. they were dirty, all of them. They could stand up and fight you if you tried to wash them. I can't remember the required number of uniforms, but on the boat with it's shitty laundry service, you need twice the number of uniforms, underwear,etc to have a clean set daily to get into. I had about 15 days worth of clothes. This kid had four... I had to escort him down to the uniform center on the boat and order him to buy the minimum required amount of cloths. I couldn't order him to buy more unfortunately. He spent about 180$ on cloths that day. I had to document all this and submit disciplinary actions paperwork up the chain of command. I also had the very unpleasant task of "sniff checking" him for the next few weeks to make sure he was still taking care of his hygine. To me this almost amounted to cruel and unusual punishment (for me). lol. I still had to send him to the showers now and then. :poop:

 

[Jimmy1]

Tough one. We went on leave for two weeks during my initial training. One of the guys stayed behind and when we came back there was a stench emanating from his room. We were only Privates, but the Corporals upstairs dragged him to the showers with some heavy duty powder cleaner and a bash broom, it took his skin off nearly. He never had that problem again. That was 85, do it now and you would be sued

 

[Anglesachse]

In training the screws and jacks, would take a yard brush and fire extinguisher to you, and then another extinguisher and a box of soap washing machine powder to your locker. Only see one lad in our troop get it, but some of the other troops seemed to like it :sick:

Then years later I was back at Depot for my B1, and you couldn`t even shout at the recruits when on guard. The army has changed! eing a fullscrew Para who is Guard commander drop a kid just out of training for putting a 9mm SMG round through the guard room window is absolutaly educational. Today you would be doing paper work for ages and the kid would be in counseling for have been beaten up.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

In My navy days we had a kid we called Christ cause the Shroud of Turin was laying in his bunk- (Mental picture) Nasty grey outline where this turd slept every night.

 

[william]

We had a guy that was put on night roving. He decided to use his NVG's , but there was Constantina wire all over the place. needless to say we found him the next morning tangled in the wire.