Should I Face My Rapist?

[anni]

Hi Skye,

He does sound like a dyed in the wool stalker/sociopath, really. I don't blame you for wishing to KNOW where he is and what he's thinking-it's awful not knowing where these people are, what they are thinking, what they are doing-al of it. He no doubt has 20 other females he's similarly terrorizing, it's not 'just' you, and all of them are no doubt also in fear of this person. I take it he's on some law-enforcemtn radar, but hasn't quite stepped over the line far enough to get arrested? They're quite, quite well versed in the law generally, until whatever it is ticks over in their heads and they decide they're Supermen-and even the law must respect them! He will-it's inevitable, and get put away for something probably not related to you, and you'll have some peace.

Just be careful-IP addresses sometimes can be trackable, Finding out what the stalking laws are where you are might be helpful-they change allll the time now, and maybe are strickter than you think they are now? I'm thinking of you. This is beyond surreal, living like that. It won't be forever. This type gets too big and sociopathic for the legal system at some point-they just can't help themselves and end up in jail or dead, and you'll be free.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[Surefoot]

Skye,
I can say from experience that I lived with the trauma of having to face my rapist for over 45 years. I could not confront him face to face about the incidents but I did finally write a thorough letter telling him what his actions had done to me and the effects of it. He called and his stupid response was " we were just playing". What an idiot. I can say this that that letter freed me up in so many ways. Maybe that might be a method of releasing or bringing some separation. Don't let the bastard keep a hold on your emotions. I do agree with some of the others however that a face to face might not be the best thing.

Blessings,

 

[bluecat]

Hi Sky,

people here wrote very good points. I think it really depends on what you expect from seeing him.

If its empowering yourself by seeing that he's not the same creature that haunts you in your memories and you don't need to be afraid anymore and can talk about what happened then as TigerKitten and Grama-Herc and Nicolette said, go for it, just make sure you have support of someone you trust.

If you want to go and see him because you somehow expect that he'll recognize you and will be sorry for what he did or afraid that you'll turn him over or anything else that would depend on his actions as opposed to yours, then you're giving him power over you and should instead focus on you and getting better in therapy.

I had two times when I wanted to 'face' my abuser. One was with my exhusband. I requested at the court that I be allowed to read a statement where I told him that what he did was reprehensible. I wanted to make it clear that I did not consent to what he did to me. That helped me, because one of the things that haunted/haunts me about his abuse is that I didn't fight. I didn't fight because I was too confused and scared, but I wanted to make it clear that he did those things against my will, even if I didn't have enough evidence to charge him with rape.

The other instance was when I wanted to confront my father and write him a letter about all the pain he's caused. My therapist asked me what I expect from it and the answer was that I wanted him to change, be sorry, and recognize that what he did was wrong. There is only one possible response from my father and that is that he would twist my words to blame me instead and he wouldn't change as I wished and hoped and I ended up not going through with it.

Only you know what you're expecting from this encounter and only you can decide.

 

[Natalia]

Are you sure you wouldn't try to kill him? I'm asking this because I surely would. If even the remote thought of hurting him passed through your mind when you started looking for him, then don't do it. You'll just hurt yourself. You'll live another trauma, scar yourself again.
If you don't have the patience and feel that the therapy isn't working, tell your therapist that, work with your therapist in finding a solution, not causing yourself more problems.
I don't want to be harsh or mean, I just don't see how facing something that broke you in the first place could make you better...
Take care.

 

[bluecat]

I did finally write a thorough letter telling him what his actions had done to me and the effects of it. He called and his stupid response was " we were just playing". What an idiot.

It sounds like this guy was just a moron, minimizing the harm he's caused. But just a word of caution about letters expressing your feelings, sadists generally know exactly what they are going for and enjoy knowing how much they've hurt you. They like to remember it and hear about it and read it. Thats the reason why I only told my exhusband in my court statement that what he did is reprehensible and I never wanted it. I didn't talk about my emotions at all. No need for me to feed his fantasies. I did need to say 'no' to it though, because it was never heard, so I always felt like I never said it, even though it wasn't true. So maybe doing it in a way that doesn't set you up is the solution.