Should I Go On Disability?

[ekane]

Hi all,

A bit of background

29, f, C-PTSD from childhood abuse of all sorts including sexual abuse from both narcissistic parents. Additional trauma from ex partners some of whom were narcissists, and workplace experiences .

I was living in NYC for many years, great career on paper but hated all the jobs because it was about survival mode instead of my passions.

After experiencing a very toxic job I had a breakdown and left NY. Came to hometown in the south and stayed with a friends family, until her family displayed their own narcissistic/borderline abuse, so once again I was in a crisis. I had nowhere to go and was suicidal. I had no other choice left but to call my estranged dad who had failed me so many times in the past because he was too narcissistic to be safe with my PTSD.

Long story short he came to understand much better this time around and had me stay at his house, until a month later I had to leave becuase his new wife couldn't handle someone being messy/unorganized, so at my worst point that was another trauma in and of itself.

Been living with a different relative (the only one who isn't narcissitc thank goodness) for almost a year. I am in therapy but can't afford enough, and in order to afford the treatment I need I have to go back to work ASAP. My line of work means I will need to return to NYC or another large city (tech/media).

Yet I can barely concentrate. I can't keep anything organized. I have zero energy and sleep too much or too little. Days become weeks and months and I cant even handle my personal tasks or stick to a hygiene, diet,,or exercise regiment whatsoever. I have trauma associated with EVERYTHING. I start everyday hoping I can maybe clean my room or even just gather up trash. I can't.

I also have Crohns disease, my thyroid and adrenals are worn out, and on a good day I am lucky if I can remember to actually take all the supplements I need.

On one hand I tell myself that I can pull it together, get organized, get in shape and get back to the job market in a matter of a few months (my resume lands interviews quickly), yet here I am stuck unable to accomplish simple things on a consistent basis. 18 months ago I could do it all, now I am overweight, mind-scrambled and even though therapy helped with some healing, the days keep telling me I can't move forward as quickly as I want.

Its been a year. I'm tired of being a burden on my aunt too (she's awesome but not well paid and I am in her house costing $$). I am also terrified of going back to work only to experience another crisis. Work is my top suicidality trigger if I realize I don't belong in that company. My health is already destroyed and I don't want my cptsd to get so bad that I am disabled forever*.

Should I try to go on disability to get more time to improve with therapy? Then go back to normal work life later. Or should I continue to focus on landing work in a few months?

 

[shandemonium]

@ekane

I recently had a talk with a SSI lawyer as I am considering this route too. I don't know what state you are in but I can tell you what he told me.

It takes a minimum of 6 months for the application process, maybe longer if you are denied and go into appeal process. If you are working at all in that time, they will use it against you. Out here, a lot of people are homeless because they are waiting for their disability to go through.

If you PM me and let me know the state you are in, I might be able to find some good resources for you. I certainly don't mean to be intrusive; just the state is enough and only if you feel comfortable with that!

I did get some good advice form him and would be happy to pass it on if you have any specific questions. You will need as much documentation as possible and do NOT go to a government doc for a diagnosis. Even if you have to skip the appointment, under no circumstances should you trust their doctors. Their purpose is to deny claims, and PTSD is the easy one for them to deny for a number of reasons. By "government doc" I mean one that is from Social Security or referred by them, I don't mean in general.

If you can, try to get a formal test from a therapist who has a Dr. in front of their name (psychiatrist or psychologist or MD), not from a general therapist. This will help your case. Gather any documents you have to show employment instability or being hospitalized.

If possible, talk to an SSI lawyer like I did. Even if it costs a little, it might be worth it to go in armed with knowledge.

Best of luck to you and I'm here if you ever want to PM and ask questions!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

All the above info is great. The earlier you call and ask questions, then that is the date they retroactive to, unless that has changed. The more documentation you have of your condition the better. Sometimes, if you go through the first application without an attorney, and by some chance you get it, the attorney won't get any share of the $$$. I did not use an attorney, though I had 3 hospitalizations, and 3 short-term disabilities at work. It doesn't cost to apply, and it's important to start the process, just to get the earliest date in.
Good luck!
AKJ

P.S. The Disability people (SSD) will collect records of where you worked, and if you 'fell apart' at work, then they take that into consideration. That happened to me...I flipped out more than once...and that counts as 'failed work attempts'.

 

[Angelwings]

Well, let me start by saying that I am the exception to the rule. I only had a therapist, MSSW LCSW, and an advanced practice nurse who prescribes my medication for me. I didn't have an MD, so they (social security) sent me to their doctor. I was approved on the first try. The important thing to do is tell them why you can't work. Like, say, I am afraid of authority figures, I have body memories that disrupt my ability to concentrate and learn new skills. Things like that. I had a lawyer, and he got me SSDI, not SSI. SSDI is what you want, it will give you more money. Let me know if you have any questions.

 

[Seasounds]

Your protectiveness, of yourself, is wonderful. I found it helpful to gradually engage, as I demonstrated that I could handle work (without too may flashbacks, debilitating depression, anxiety, intrusive or suicidal thoughts.

Instead of applying for disability, I worked menial odd jobs-outside of my occupational training. These jobs were, at first, very part-time, to build up my coping skills and self-confidence. A relative helped me, like yours, get through the thinnest of times.

Oh yes, what a turn-around, with your dad! Congratulations!

Applying for disability is a lot to consider. Good luck in your process. Hope you get lots of helpful information!

The company, Alsup, may help some people get approved on their first try. I've a friend's husband, who said it was worth the deduction fee--that Alsup takes out of the successful application's resulting checks. Disability claims are all that the company does. You can call them or find them on line, and ask questions.

 

[Digz]

I went on, I guess what you would call disability (I'm from Australia, so it probably works a bit different), but the premise is still the same.
What I found, was it allowed me the time to put some serious time and energy into my therapy and focus on bettering my health. I had two years off work and it was the best thing I've ever done. I did however, do some volunteer work while I was working through things. I think that was really important for me - to feel like I was valuable still, that I had somewhere to be and things that still needed doing to get me out of bed in the morning, whilst taking the pressure that comes from a career away.
When I went back to work, I still had my struggles, but I was better equipped to deal with the day to day stressors.

 

[Alejandro Berry]

You should take a counselors help, they will be the best people to guide you and you will come out of this. I can understand your pain but you have to be strong and fight for yourself. Try and try and one day you will be successful.

 

[Bloomy]

First of I was relived to read your story on my own behalf. I felt so alone about how my life until now. Alltough Im sorry on your behalf.
I have been troough pretty much the same give or take. I have also considered disability.
Last year I was so low I couldnt sink any deeper. I started to self cut in despair even if I earlier said thats something Id never stup to. But as you describe after all one been through and even on the work place ending up in deep poverty and just feels like hitting a wall non stop.
Im asking myself again and again - can I really take any more of this?
And the answer for me is yes - I can. I give myself this one more year to reallly really really give it all I got to make it. Think outside the box in my head. Out of my comfort zone. Dare to venture the unknown. Do the things I fear. The things I said Id not do. Everything to make this year finally move in right direction. Belive in that despite I can go baby steps towards a good life.
I went trough a lifestyle change years ago. Also at a dificult moment in life. I went from inactive to learning to be active specially outdoors in nature. I think on the darkest days like today those memories of joy caputred in the subconsiesnessly imind is what keeps me still going.
I can completely understand that you feel tired and maybe even defeated. My point with all this is - maybe you can make it? If you set a timelimit like one year to do some changes towrds right direction? Every day you have do one small thing that you thought you could not do today. Subcome yourself. I dont know really as Im in the same situation as you at this point in life. Maybe It wont work, but maybe it just could in the last nick of time?