Relationship Should I Just Come Out And Ask Him?

[helena]

Hi Carys,

How are you doing... nice to see you back.

Helena

 

[catjudo]

Should I ask flat out about his “struggles”, should I demand answers?

Okay, you didn't get the answer that you wanted so you're trying again. Without going back to see specifically what I said, I'll try to reiterate my opinion on it.

First, you are in no position to demand he tells you anything. You haven't known each other that long and he has basically been in a war zone the entire time you've known him. (If I recall you only met while he was home on a short leave.)

There is a difference between PTS and PTSD. Just because he is exhibiting some of these behaviors while he is still currently in a war zone does not make it PTSD. A horrible situation to have to deal with? Absolutely. But not necessarily PTSD. It could just be his coping mechanisms for dealing with the situation he is currently in.

 

[carys]

Hi Carys,

How are you doing... nice to see you back.

Helena

I am doing well Helena thank you for asking. How are you doing?

Today we were having a good conversation. Now this is going to sound really petty and it might be but I was hurt by his response. I shared some feelings with my guy, not completely out of the blue, i have always told him how I feel but today while we were talking about me understanding better and getting better at not pushing him to "talk", i said "I understand all i can do to help is stand by and support you until you are ready". His response was "haha" so I asked him "what is so funny? That I support you and want to stick by you?" He said "no" and then he says "calm down I didn't mean to say that was funny....man, I thought I flipped out over nothing...I just didn't know what to say to that". I was pissed he thought I flipped out, which i don't believe I did. My response was "please do not laugh when i express how I feel" His response was "holy sh*t I wasn't laughing at you" that response kind of pissed me off even more. I just said "an apology would have been a better answer". And he says "but I'm not sorry, I didn't do anything wrong....I'm not going to fight with you".

So needless to say, whatever the meaning was and maybe it was completley innocent I shared feelings with him and his repsonse was "haha", now this is all over email so I don't have many ways to interrupt the "haha". And I know I'm probably just PMSing and it's not a big deal but it makes me wonder where I set these boundaries you all speak about?? I'm not sure when i need to bite my tongue or let him know what's unacceptable. Today my feelings were hurt and I felt like a joke to him, none of which I feel I should tolerate. I felt like calling him an Fing ahole, but I didn't. I bit my tongue.

 

[catjudo]

Today my feelings were hurt and I felt like a joke to him, none of which I feel I should tolerate. I felt like calling him an Fing ahole, but I didn't. I bit my tongue.

No, you shouldn't have to tolerate anything that feels so hurtful to you. I do find it interesting (and it's not just you, there are lots of people who come to this forum doing the same thing) that you're quick to blame this behavior on PTSD that he may or may not even have. You've only known him a few short months and most of that time not in person. Did it ever occur to you that you're seeing who he really is? Maybe he really is an "Fing ahole". Just a thought.

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with Catjudo. Too many people blame too much on PTSD. My husband has PTSD and would not speak to me like that! I would put up with it either if he tried to!

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with Catjudo. Too many people blame too much on PTSD. My husband has PTSD and would not speak to me like that! I would not put up with it either if he tried to!

 

[carys]

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it. This was the first time he has spoke to me like that. And I slept on it and I'm still pissed. Also, I do think he has ptsd, after talking with his friends, reading forums, speaking with a therapist and talking to him, there is little doubt in my mind. And yes I realize I am not a professional able to diagnosis. I also don't think this is who he truly is, but maybe the person I thought he was and who I've seen was an act just to get me. He persued me, endlessly until I gave him a chance, now he's done a 180. Idk I'm just venting.

 

[Pam]

My take. Some guys aren't very deep when things are going fairly well. And they think that deep emotions are funny to watch. Then when things are not going well their deep emotions are anything but love-like and they can become quite irritated when a female sends love and support their way. This could also be a simple case of chase. Maybe he isn't interested anymore because the chase is over (there are lots of guys like that). If you want deep conversation and a guy who wants love and support, this guy probably isn't the one for you. However, if you believe you see something there the rest of us don't, given that all we see are words here, then choose your path and walk it. You are an adult and it is up to you to take risks or not.

 

[Grainne]

I am absolutely NOT sticking up for him - or his behaviour because I agree with posters above - you should not tolerate that behaviour if it hurts you. Whether or not this is PTSD related would not be the question I was asking myself were I in your shoes...but I'll say this:

I am a sufferer, and I am fairly new to my diagnosis in the grand scheme of things. To this day I will laugh when telling horrible stories of my childhood to my therapist. She points it out constantly, which is rather annoying, but holds such truth. Sometimes I laugh to dispell the moment - that clash of emotion. If he is not comfortable discussing deeper emotions with you and ESPECIALLY if those emotions are painful for him, maybe the 'haha' was more of a dismissal of topic, rather than a jab at you.

Just a bit of a different perspective for you :)

Wishing you the best,
Grainne

 

[carys]

Thank you. I am not upset over the "haha" comment, I completely agree that it was just a way to dispel the conversation. I am unhappy about his reaction after I told him my feelings were hurt. The fact that he did not care enough to apologize for hurting my feelings is what pushed me over the edge with him.

I am gonig to bring it up. I am just grappling with how in the most clear and concrete way.

 

[Nicolette]

Ok - if you want to keep the relationship you need to STOP! This man currently is in a war zone & has enough stress. You have already made points to him about his reactions. If he is smart he will already know he has hurt your feelings. If you push for anything now the most likely response you will get is one you won't like.

The best time to approach subjects of your feelings with a sufferer is when they are relaxed and not in the middle of a war zone. When he comes back and you are say sitting on the couch you can then say...." you know when you said this, well I felt like this". Timing is essential with a PTSD sufferer.

I think you might really want to work out what really is upsetting you as I recall reading the " haha" comment upset you and now that has changed according to the post above.

 

[CCurry]

Ok - if you want to keep the relationship you need to STOP! This man currently is in a war zone & has enough stress. You have already made points to him about his reactions. If he is smart he will already know he has hurt your feelings. If you push for anything now the most likely response you will get is one you won't like.

The best time to approach subjects of your feelings with a sufferer is when they are relaxed and not in the middle of a war zone. When he comes back and you are say sitting on the couch you can then say...." you know when you said this, well I felt like this". Timing is essential with a PTSD sufferer.

I think you might really want to work out what really is upsetting you as I recall reading the " haha" comment upset you and now that has changed according to the post above.

I have to agree with Nicolette here, you cannot have a conversation with him when he's in the middle of a war zone. As I said, I made the mistake of talking about my emotions when my bf was in a war zone, big mistake because he literally went out and put his life in jeapordy because I triggered him. I did not know I had until he came back and I would NEVER do that again.

Aside from that, making demands to someone who haven't known that long is not even appropriate. I'm sorry, I am not trying to sound harsh but to be honest for me personally if I hadn't invested and gotten to spend a few amazing years with my guy before his current flare up, I'm not sure I'd be sticking around.

Good luck,
C.