I couldn't agree more, Nicolette. I realize this is the carers forum and I am not a carer, but there is just something about this that ruffles my feathers.
I have friends and family who have/are serving in the war. I have a family member who is an Army medic serving in Iraq (similar, I believe, to the position that carys has said her boyfriend is in). At the moment, however, I'm thinking of one life-long friend in particular who is stationed in Baghdad. Not his first time there. He's also served in Afghan. We know for a fact that his base unit has taken on enough enemy fire to necessitate moving at least twice in the last several weeks. Through this he has stayed in touch, but this is not what he wants to discuss when he converses with us. We keep it light. He jokes with us. We tell him we're thinking of him; appreciate his service; tell him to stay safe but that is just small part of our conversations. We never ask him what is going on around him. We listen if he offers info and wants to talk, but that just doesn't happen much. One, I imagine he doesn't want to worry his wife, children, grandchildren, other family and friends. Two, he is a Marine and doesn't consider what he's doing to be extraordinary the way the rest of us do. Three, and most importantly, it is his way of coping with the horrible war that he is in the middle of.
He is in a WAR ZONE. We would never presume to demand he talk about something on our terms. We wouldn't ask him to coddle our feelings while he is the one dealing with atrocities all around him. However, he is a good, kind human being who despite his surroundings would never want to hurt someone else's feelings. But if you did, you can guarantee we wouldn't call him on it while he is in a WAR. His focus does not need to be distracted for any reason. He is a good man doing a hard and honorable job and our job is to provide him with support and lift his spirits when possible. Our job is not to distract him with conversations about how he hurt our feelings.
But I really get frustrated with people who come to this forum absolutely positive that a person's behavior is 100% because of PTSD. Not everything can be blamed on PTSD. And if you didn't know that person before this PTSD that they may or may not actually have, you cannot know whether his actions are PTSD related or merely a reflection of the type of person they really are. Say what you will, but you don't know.
I'll try to step down off my soap box now.
I have friends and family who have/are serving in the war. I have a family member who is an Army medic serving in Iraq (similar, I believe, to the position that carys has said her boyfriend is in). At the moment, however, I'm thinking of one life-long friend in particular who is stationed in Baghdad. Not his first time there. He's also served in Afghan. We know for a fact that his base unit has taken on enough enemy fire to necessitate moving at least twice in the last several weeks. Through this he has stayed in touch, but this is not what he wants to discuss when he converses with us. We keep it light. He jokes with us. We tell him we're thinking of him; appreciate his service; tell him to stay safe but that is just small part of our conversations. We never ask him what is going on around him. We listen if he offers info and wants to talk, but that just doesn't happen much. One, I imagine he doesn't want to worry his wife, children, grandchildren, other family and friends. Two, he is a Marine and doesn't consider what he's doing to be extraordinary the way the rest of us do. Three, and most importantly, it is his way of coping with the horrible war that he is in the middle of.
He is in a WAR ZONE. We would never presume to demand he talk about something on our terms. We wouldn't ask him to coddle our feelings while he is the one dealing with atrocities all around him. However, he is a good, kind human being who despite his surroundings would never want to hurt someone else's feelings. But if you did, you can guarantee we wouldn't call him on it while he is in a WAR. His focus does not need to be distracted for any reason. He is a good man doing a hard and honorable job and our job is to provide him with support and lift his spirits when possible. Our job is not to distract him with conversations about how he hurt our feelings.
But I really get frustrated with people who come to this forum absolutely positive that a person's behavior is 100% because of PTSD. Not everything can be blamed on PTSD. And if you didn't know that person before this PTSD that they may or may not actually have, you cannot know whether his actions are PTSD related or merely a reflection of the type of person they really are. Say what you will, but you don't know.
I'll try to step down off my soap box now.
