Relationship Should I Keep Trying Or Let Him Go?

[Brittny]

I have (was) dating a combat vet for about 7 months. We weren't dating when he was deployed. I met him a year and half after he returned. He seemed so positive about our relationship - he even almost had to convince me to date him! But once we started dating things just seemed to fall into place. Everything about him seems exactly what I've always wanted and needed.
Our relationship was difficult from the beginning because we live 7 hours apart from each other. But we recently made the decision to have me move to him when I finish grad school in May. I always struggled with the distance, but I love him and he loves (or loved) me.

Two weeks ago he told me out of no where that he thinks he has PTSD. He said he was going to seek professional help and that everything would be ok. I was worried, but I'll admit, I was also very selfish and struggled to understand. For a while all I could see is how it would affect me. Last week he became even more distant, not talking to me for a couple days. It tore me up that he wouldn't talk to me. I didn't understand that he was struggling and really couldn't. So, in my irrational hurting I ended things. I wasn't exactly mean, but I also wasn't very nice. When I asked him if this is what he wanted, his response was "I'm sorry... I just can't handle this right now".

Obviously I see now how completely wrong I was. I pushed him and made him feel guilty. There's nothing I can do to take back how I treated him, and I don't blame him one bit if he's angry with me. I added too much unnecessary stress to him. It kills me to think about what I've done.

Now that I understand, I'm hoping he will give me a chance to show him that I can be supportive and help him through this. I think he wants (or at least did want) my support, because he offered to talk to me about it before I ended things. But now that I walked away he isn't letting me call him to talk to him about anything. I know I screwed up, and asking him to let me make it right isn't fair. But should I really just walk away? I want to prove to him that he's worth fighting for and that I am willing to work to be with him.

Please, any advice would be very helpful. I look around these forums and all I see is bad news. Should I give him some space for a little bit but then try to slowly open up communication by just saying hello? Or should I really just wait for him to come to me, knowing that it might not ever happen?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I advise that you give him space. It's ok to let him know you're there for him, but don't push. If he's in the beginning stages of diagnosis, this is a very tough time for him and he may not want to be in a relationship.

 

[Julesnaz]

I would give him some space for a while and then give a quick hello and see where things go. If its meant to be it will be. I've made enough stupid mistakes that have pushed my guy away, but he keeps coming back so hopefully he's kind of into me haha. I wish you guys luck.

 

[Nicolette]

was also very selfish and struggled to understand

It's actually not selfish - it may be uniformed but not selfish. PTSD is not easy - for anyone involved.

I want to prove to him that he's worth fighting for and that I am willing to work to be with him

The cruel reality of PTSD is that he has to believe that your relationship is worth fighting for and sometimes someone with PTSD can see it and sometimes they can't. It's horrible and while I love my husband I would run a mile if we ever broke up and I met someone with PTSD........ it is exhausting, it is a selfish illness and as a Supporter you end up being the one who has to be strong consistently. This is nothing against Sufferers but I've been on this ride for 7 years next week and I wouldn't wish being a Supporter on my worst enemy. I am also not saying they are not normal, loving and great people as they are; but sometime the illness consumes everything and the one thing I will say to you from my heart of hearts is that you've only had a taste of PTSD and you're already do what a lot of us Supporters do; you're taking on responsibility for the relationship and blaming yourself (where there is no blame but an illness) when it takes two to tango. If you didn't do something to set him off yesterday, you may just do it tomorrow if he's only begun his journey to learning and managing his illness.

Good luck :)

 

[Brittny]

Thank you for the responses. I can't say it's exactly what I wanted to hear, but I know it's the truth. I'm trying very hard to be patient. Hopefully I can find a way to let him know that I'm here for him without it seeming like I'm pushing him. The simple fact is that right now I can't give up on him. The more I read about PTSD the more I realize that it doesn't necessarily change how someone feels, it just hides those feelings (or maybe I'm just fooling myself). I know he needs to realize this for himself, but I want to be there for him, even if for right now it's just as a friend.

Thanks again for the advice. I'm trying.

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

Brittny. I posted in a different forum earlier -- and I'd like to invite you to my new fb group Second Stronghold (it's closed and therefore private!) ... but I have been through exactly that, a multitude of times with my combat vet! I've typed this so much tonight, but we were VERY on and off our first year of dating, and a bit less on and off during our second year. I lived 5 hours from him and moved closer to him a few months into our relationship. It wasn't until a year and 11 months in that he discovered he has PTSD (9 years after his last deployment), and it's been about 3 months since then. He broke up with me one time in the past 3 months -- because I put very strict timelines on him to do certain things that I needed. (Don't do that!)

All the times we broke up were different. I followed my own instincts and tried to act out of love and understanding rather than my own insecurities. At first (pre-diagnosis), I was angry because I felt like he was rejecting ME. I felt like he lied when he said how much he cared for me and how wonderful a person I am. I felt like it was a cop out when he said he was broken and didn't want a relationship. Because then we'd get back together and he'd tell me how much a fool he felt like b/c he was afraid of how he felt for me.

Mostly I would write... I would spend a day or two writing an email or hand writing a letter to him telling him how I felt. I'd hang out with it for a while and then send it. It gave him the space and time he needed to read it, re-read if he needed to and process what I said. I mentioned in the other forum that I am still learning that when we tell them what we need, it takes them like three times as long to process that information and accept it and make a change. It's the same I think with our feelings. I think my boyfriend thinks of himself as unworthy of receiving love. And for some reason, the stronger HE feels for ME, the less he can handle it. He mentioned once that if anything happened to me (like if I died) he would never recover. Ever. It's very hard for them to become attached. He lost a soldier about a month before they came home from Iraq--someone he was responsible for, had to protect. And that feeling of duty translates to those others he cares about. Me included.

Maybe your guy is trying to protect you from the "beast within". My boyfriend played the song "Demons" by Imagine Dragons and said he really related to it. It helped me to understand a bit more.

I can't tell you what you *should* do, but that's what I did. I wrote and gave him time to process. I let him know that no matter WHAT he did or said or saw I would not stop loving him.

I have, however, cut back on TELLING him I love him. And I've become ok with not hearing it from him any more. I think right now he just needs it shown b/c verbalizing it is difficult and not being able to respond when I told him was also hard for him.

*phew* I wrote alot! If you want to chat more check out the group--I'll be there!

 

[Brittny]

Thanks Nikole. I think I will check it out. It's good to hear all of that. My guy is a sufferer for sure, but after seeing a lot of stories on here I'm not sure what to think about my situation most of the time. He did say yesterday that he's willing to keep an open line of communication, but that's all he can do. I told him I understood. I've also been doing a lot of writing myself the last few days. Most of it is to help me process my own feelings, but I also just wrote him a letter. I'm still deciding if I should send it or not.
The big difference between your situation and mine is that I haven't had a chance to move closer to him yet. We made the plans and then this all happened. I was going to move in August (or sometime in the summer) since I'm finishing school right now. So now I just don't know how to move forward with that. My head is telling me I need to stay where I am, but my heart is telling me that I should move anyway. Honestly, where I'd be moving to is somewhere that I've always wanted to live anyway, and I was excited about moving there before because I was ready for a change. But now I feel like if I do move there he might be threatened by that. Or...maybe seeing me again will help. It's hard to say since I haven't seen him since this happened. Seeing me could either be terrible for him or great.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I seem to do that a lot lately. I'm just having a hard time processing things and knowing what my next step should be. I did make an appointment with a therapist, so I feel like that's a good step toward helping myself first. I feel like he really does love me and want to be with me - he never said he didn't, just that he doesn't know what he feels right now. Maybe I'm stupid, but I'm not giving up hope.

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

Rambling is ok! It helps! My personal opinion is that if you want to move there for yourself--because there are opportunities there for you and it's a place you could see yourself being happy--then go for it! August is still kinda far away....lots can happen. BUT make sure that you're comfortable there without him..this way if you guys do get together it's a bonus, or if he pulls away again, you'll be fine.

 

[Erica Kamp]

I'm in a similar situation too. But he is only a friend. I commit myself to be his supporter, but is sooooo hard, so exhausting. He says I'm his only friend and best friend, he is great with me, but sometimes is like I'm his last choice and I really feel like he is being unfair.. I know for fact that he actually is just avoiding me to avoid the intimacy we have. He said tons of time that he is really afraid of how close I am to him at this moment. Everybody abandon him, he is an Iraq veteran. His wife abandon him, his parents barely talk to him. He is all alone, and I know I am the only one there for him. But I'm getting tired and I wanna give up. He (or the illness) makes things so hard. So selfish, so exhausting. I've been reading a lot about and studying and talking to people. Trying to learn, but since I have my issues myself (anxiety and BPD) it makes harder....

He is diagnosed and have been treated for 4-5 years, even though he still believes he can't be "fixed", he still has all the symptoms like he is not being treated for it. He takes medication and go to therapy. But is afraid to try anything else. He tried suicide multiple times and all he says is that he wants to die.

I usually invite him to hang out, so I can be by his side and have his company as well, I love his company, but he always ditches me. When we finally meet he apologizes crying for making the mistake and make promises, but it happens all over again...
Is so much! so many things happening. Is exhausting.. I don't know if I can do it any more.

So I would say, he is my friend, so is hard for me to leave him. I take friendship very serious, but in your case, you guys were just dating, so if you don't want more suffering of being a supporter, just let him go. Give space. Would be the best for you and for him too. I think he is not ready for a relationship... If you stay... Just be prepared for what you are putting yourself to, sometimes is ok to be selfish. Wish I was...

 

[Gingerly]

Brittny. I posted in a different forum earlier -- and I'd like to invite you to my new fb group Second Stronghold (it's closed and therefore private!)

Who do you invite into your fb group? I am a Supporter as well and this sounds interesting. I won't be offended if I don't receive an invitation from you.