Should I Let Go For His Sake?

[Nellie]

Hi everyone,

I'm really struggling with something. I met a guy who I fell in love with. He felt the same at first but now we're just friends. Meeting him was triggering because it was the first time that I ever wanted to get close to anyone before. Even now that we aren't moving towards a romantic relationship, I am still terrified - partly because I want to open up to him, but mostly because I'm scared of losing him.

He's very patient and he knows I have PTSD but I have not told him the reasons, but I've started to completely clam up around him and I'm virtually impossible to connect with right now. He's still calling me every week but I don't want to become a burden, especially seeing as I have nothing really to offer right now in terms of conversation. We only talked for a few minutes last time because my mind goes blank and there's only so much he can do to keep the conversation going on his own.

I love him to bits, more than anyone I've ever met, and I want to open up more but I feel like it would be the more loving thing to do to just let him go for his sake. He's the only person I've felt safe enough to talk to about having PTSD, and I really need someone right now because I'm currently going through one of the worst episodes of my life, but I don't want to rely on him because that's not fair on him. I've lost my sense of balance between allowing someone in and depending on them, and I've also lost my ability to tell the difference between my instincts and my insecurities (e.g. sometimes I worry that he's just sticking around because he's too kindhearted to hurt me by leaving, rather than because he really wants me to be a part of his life. If I could be sure that the latter was true, then I might be more inclined to open up. If it were the former then I think it would be inappropriate for me to open up so much and would make him feel even more stuck).

Can someone give me some perspective on this? I'm lost :;(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you have a therapist?

 

[Nellie]

I haven't found one that I trust yet, though I am still looking. The last one made me 'put my feelings in a jar on the shelf' so that I could 'get on with my life'...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I encourage you to find a counselor you feel comfortable with. It makes balancing things easier. I have a personal rule about not turning my friends into therapists and my therapists into friends. My boundary is pretty strong. If you have a good therapist, it's a bit easier to keep your friends as just friends and not rely on them too much----that is, rely on them to serve the purpose of a therapist. I actually ended a friendship with someone simply because her idea of being a friend was to be a therapist as well and I did not want her advice.

I encourage you to keep him as a friend. If you can, let him know that you are struggling right now but are working on your healing. He is calling you.....in guy terms, this means he's interested (on some level) and most likely does not see you as a burden. He's being supportive in that he is continuing contact even though things are rough right now. I don't think you should end things based on what you've said.

 

[Nellie]

Thank you, that is very good advice.

Do you or anyone else on here have problems with clamming up in conversations? I actually have no idea how to keep this friendship going right now because I can't communicate with him at the moment. My whole life currently seems to be filled with my trauma (I have had several severely triggering experiences in the past few months, and spend most of my day crying and haven't left the house in weeks) and I don't have anything else to talk about because that's all my life is right now and I have memory problems so I can't recall anything interesting. It's terribly boring of me. I feel like I don't actually exist right now. I am about to go traveling, which terrifies me but hopefully it will snap me out of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's important to know that for some if us with a traumatic past, myself included, when we are triggered or anxious, our verbal skills go flying out the window. I was told that it's part of the trauma response. The verbal part of our minds literally shut down.

Sometimes I can be the chattiest person----that is, when I'm talking with someone I feel comfortable with. But, if I'm anxious, I just clam up----god, I hate that saying! I can still remember my childhood therapist taunting me with that phrase when I wouldn't----er, couldn't talk in session.

And as much as I hate this phrase, sometimes it's a matter of faking it until you make it. Let me clarify---I'm not saying to be fake in your friendship, rather step outside your comfort zone and force yourself to have a conversation with him, even if it's difficult and you want to run. I used this technique at various points in my healing and while it was tough, in the end it was worth it.

A great way to keep a conversation going is to ask the other person about their life. Ask him to update you on school, work, family, friends, hobbies, whatever. Most people like to talk about themselves so it's pretty easy to turn the conversation around if you're asked something personal. You can always give a generic answer like "I'm hanging in there!....but how about you? How's it going at work/school/whatever" It'll show him that you're interested in continuing to know him, even though things are tough right now. As you grow more comfortable, you'll be able to open up more. Turning the conversation around has saved me quite a few times !

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sometimes I can be the chattiest person

Same here! And then there are times where you couldn't pay me to talk. In my case, it's mostly anxiety driven.

I'm not saying to be fake in your friendship, rather step outside your comfort zone and force yourself to have a conversation with him

I agree with this. An example would be social anxiety. Pushing out your boundaries of what you find comfortable bit by bit really helps. And it can be very difficult but if you didn't push at all then like a rubber band, it would just get smaller and smaller and your comfort zone would be gone to the point of more simple tasks like grocery shopping wouldn't happen.

Best wishes and I hope that wasn't to far off your original post. Often things have many layers.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I'm not sure of your exact situation in terms of the dating/just friends thing, but if he knows about your PTSD and stuck around you're not a burden. Maybe link him to some PTSD information so you know he knows what he's in for.

I dated a combat vet and we broke up but are now friends again (wow, that sounds much simpler than it is) but I knew what I was getting into. Not exactly, but I certainly didn't/don't feel burdened by anything. Just like any relationship you give and take. You're obviously giving him something he likes so go ahead and open up to him if that's what you want to take. I can't imagine he'd mind.

But Solara brings up an excellent point about the therapist/friend thing. I am personally careful about not offering advice. And when he shares with me I understand that its more of getting things off his chest than looking for answers. So if you open up to him be aware that he might think you want him to solve all your problems. Make sure its clear you're just trying to get something off your chest, or see what it sounds like out loud and don't expect him to give you anything besides a listening ear and attention.

As for the clamming up. This is not something I can relate to, but this happens to my friend all the time. Things come up for him and he ignores me. And that's really hard for him obviously, but for me too. When we were dating I told him he can't do that and needs to say something. Even if its that he doesn't want to/can't talk. Or if he can't answer "how are you?", at least acknowledge I exist when I speak with a random fact or funny picture, anything. I encourage you to at the very least say you're dealing with something and can't talk now. That gives him some peace of mind and you some space.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Nellie]

I have explained to him that I get 'stuck' in my head sometimes, and that the words just won't come out. He really is very supportive, but it doesn't change the fact that he's having to talk to someone who is currently impossible to connect with. I don't know how many more weeks of this the friendship could withstand. It wouldn't be so scary if I knew it was just a phase, but I'm worried that this will continue to happen indefinitely. BUT, thank you for all of your help, because I am no longer thinking in terms of 'should I let him go' (which should probably have read 'should I cut him out of my life before he cuts me out'). I was panicking and was about to tip into problem-solving (i.e. self-sabotage) mode. After reading your replies (and even just typing my own thoughts out), I can now see that the issue is really about trusting that he's there for me, being patient with myself, and having the courage to keep trying each week. I'm so glad I found this site! Instead of going to bed thinking around and around in gut-wrenching circles, I'm actually feeling quite peaceful!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

"Do you or anyone else on here have problems with clamming up in conversations? I actually have no idea how to keep this friendship going right now because I can't communicate with him at the moment. My whole life currently seems to be filled with my trauma (I have had several severely triggering experiences in the past few months, and spend most of my day crying and haven't left the house in weeks) and I don't have anything else to talk about because that's all my life is right now and I have memory problems so I can't recall anything interesting. It's terribly boring of me. I feel like I don't actually exist right now. I am about to go traveling, which terrifies me but hopefully it will snap me out of it."

I am not a sufferer, but I was a supporter and still would be if he'd let me. I agree and understand about boundaries, but if he knows about your PTSD and still tries to connect, don't take his choice away if he wants to be there for you.

I do understand about shutting down and not knowing what to say. I experience that. It's only a suggestion, but your message about it above said it very well. Have you considered emailing him that? I find sometimes when I can't talk, I can write it out.

Just a suggestion, but if you want this man in your life, make sure he knows it. I know that's scary, but sometimes being on the other side of PTSD feels like you're not wanted by the sufferer or, even that you, trying to be a supporter, might be aggrevating or causing more stress to the sufferer.

I truley feel for you. I hope things get easier for you. And I hope you find a better therapist. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a good one. I wish you only the best.

 

[Nellie]

Thanks everyone for your help xo

 

[bell]

Pushing out your boundaries of what you find comfortable bit by bit really helps. And it can be very difficult but if you didn't push at all then like a rubber band, it would just get smaller and smaller and your comfort zone would be gone to the point of more simple tasks like grocery shopping wouldn't happen.

Statements such as the above have pretty much been my mantra in working with my PTSD when things seem overwhelming and I feel like I just can't do it. And you know what? Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone slowly really works! But, for me, it only works if I do it super slowly... usually so slowly that when I reach my goal, I'm like, "wait, how the heck did that happen?!?"

I think that the advice that the other posters have given has been great. And as someone who has been on both sides of this fence, I know that he's calling because he cares (or else why would he continue to do so?) and that you're continuing to talk to him because you care (otherwise why would you even try?). Therefore, with that minimum established, find tiny ways in which you can push your comfort zone (just a little bit!!!) in this situation... (i.e., usually for me it's staying a little bit longer than I'd like in a (good, healthy) situation, hugging a little longer than I'd like, looking at someone in the eye longer that I'd like, being comfortable with natural pauses in the conversation) and see how that feels.

Don't get crazy with pushing yourself, but try in micro amounts and see how it feels. It seems like your relationship with him is a safe space in with which to experiment with this. (And since it's over the phone, it's even more safe!) It's been relationships that are established "safe places" (i.e., they know about my PTSD and are okay with it) that have been the most healing for me.

Best of luck to you, be gentle with yourself.