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Should I seek out a lawyer?

LeiaFlower

Confident
After considering how my case of childhood sexual abuse got thrown out because my abuser passed a lot detector test, I was wondering Should I seek out a lawyer?

I understand that I should be radically accepting that I probably will never get justice but with the memories of sexual abuse piling up it’s just frustrating that there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing I can do to get Justice. There is absolutely nothing I can do to get Justice.
 
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for what it's worth
i "won" a bit of just-ice when my father was prosecuted and sentenced for child sex trafficking in 3 states.

the ptsd fallout was/is horrific and completely unaddressed. i often wonder if the trauma of "victory" was worse than the trauma for which i received just-ice. even my shrinks have been too busy congratulating me to acknowledge that fallout.

that was ??90's?? and remains a problem for me, 30 years later. i can barely drive past a hall of just-ice without some genuinely vicious flashbacks, etc.
 
After considering how my case of childhood sexual abuse got thrown out because my abuser passed a lot detector test, I was wondering Should I seek out a lawyer?

I understand that I should be radically accepting that I probably will never get justice but with the memories of sexual abuse piling up it’s just frustrating that there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing I can do to get Justice. There is absolutely nothing I can do to get Justice.

Abuse is so hard to prove. Reading up on how easy it is to create false memories, I often doubt what I think happened to me.

In my case, I have kept very separate events and observations of my behaviour as I remember it, and as other people remember it. From that I try to deduce the events themselves, always being careful to label the sources.

When I was texting people about this, I was very careful to not suggest things. E.g. when I wrote my sister, I asked, "I had a crazy nightmare a few nights ago. Did anything weird happen to me as a kid" And she told me that my behaviour radically change. I insisted on being coverd, fully dressed all the time. (I have a picture taken some 6-8 years after the abuse on a summer day at the beach with long pants and long sleeve shirt, while my parents are in summer sun dress, and bermuda shorts) I became very emotionally dysregulated, decreased appetite. All of this agrees with common reactions to CSA.

Found out later that sis and mom later on had concluded I'd been abused, but they never told me about it. They concluded it was a neighbour.

My T. says that memories of this sort of thing almost always mean *something* happened. But turning that into a legal case is difficult.

In my case I have 7 candidates of varying probability. Four are dead. Two are untraceable. One,the one with greatest opportunity, has Alzheimer's.

I accept it happened. I accept that my parents *knew* that it happened. I suspect that my parents covered it up out of fear of scandal. They sent my sister away when she got pregnant. The two most probable people in terms of access were my father and my brother. It doesn't fit in character for either, but I understand that this is often true.

The next most probable is my neighbour 2 houses down. That's what my mom told my sister. But I was allowed to continue to play there. My brother is the best fit. I slept in his room, far end of the house on a different floor. He was 13, I was 3. Raging hormones, and barely socialized. I think my mom knew that and would have been destroyed by the scandal, and decided to keep it quiet.

Later there was physical abuse and emotional neglect.

I became a loner, not good at making connection, not social enough to even try to enter into a relationship until my 40's, and not very successful then. I have never fallen in love. I see all human interaction as transactional. Hell I didn't know there were non-transactional methods until a year ago. I still think those people are deluding themselves and are sloppy accountants.

I accept that it happened. Details will never be clear. But it happened. No point in playing "what if" and "if only" games.

I accept that I am broken. I will never be fully healed. I will always be a bit of a stranger in a strange land dealing with people.

But I do NOT forgive my parents who let this happen. I did not grieve for them when they died. And both of them died miserably and in pain.
 
What do you think the pros and cons are for you? As they might be different for different people, and in different parts of the world.

I can't remember what country you are in. But in the UK there is a criminal compensation fund. So if you have been a victim of a crime, and whether or not there has been a conviction or a trial, if you reported the crime to the police and assisted them in their enquiries, you could put in a claim. That might help with some sense of justice? It doesn't hold the person accountable but could be seen as some formal agreement from the state that something happened to you that shouldn't.

I suppose the main things will be cost. Do you have the financial means to fund a civil case?
And also the emotional space to deal with it all?
 
There’s nothing I can do to get Justice.
What does that mean to you? Will it help you in any way if your abuser is tried and punished?
with the memories of sexual abuse piling up it’s just frustrating that there’s nothing I can do about it.
For me, it's more about dealing with the memories and lessening the anxieties, frustrations, etc. surrounding them. I think pursuing legal action could stir things up way more than they already are. Would you be ready to manage that?
 
What do you think the pros and cons are for you? As they might be different for different people, and in different parts of the world.

I can't remember what country you are in. But in the UK there is a criminal compensation fund. So if you have been a victim of a crime, and whether or not there has been a conviction or a trial, if you reported the crime to the police and assisted them in their enquiries, you could put in a claim. That might help with some sense of justice? It doesn't hold the person accountable but could be seen as some formal agreement from the state that something happened to you that shouldn't.

I suppose the main things will be cost. Do you have the financial means to fund a civil case?
And also the emotional space to deal with it all?
I’m in the US. I think the cons outweigh the pros at this point. I’m not fully in recovery yet and I’m not financially stable. I think when I’m at that point where I feel stable I’ll pose the question to myself again. But right now I don’t have the funds to support a civil case nor am I in the right emotional space.
What does that mean to you? Will it help you in any way if your abuser is tried and punished?

For me, it's more about dealing with the memories and lessening the anxieties, frustrations, etc. surrounding them. I think pursuing legal action could stir things up way more than they already are. Would you be ready to manage that?
It meant to me trailing her for sexual abuse of a minor. I wanted just for her to understand how much pain that I am because of her. Though I guess maybe I can send a no send letter and possibly send it. Or is that another question I should pose? I ask these questions mostly to get an outside perspective especially when I feel like my judgement is impaired.
 
Do you have any proof? It’s highly unlikely that memories alone will get a prosecutor to press charges. I am thinking you have a romanticized view of the justice system when the truth is that you’ll likely spend a lot of time, energy, and money trying to get justice and nothing will happen to your abuser. This could drag on for years and could actually make you feel worse, and not better.
 
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