Sexual Assault Should We Always Simply Say 'yes'?

[Definitely..maybe]

I think another important thing to remember is that the new sexual assault section was once it's own site, with mainly only survivors as members.

Now people coming here with those problems can be answered by someone who has never been affected by any type of assault in the slightest, instead of understanding, compassionate, empathetic people who have been there questioning themselves too.

I understand the importanance of the combat site and why it's so limiting to who can join. Only those men and women can relate to those experiences and more often than not they have no other place to share their stories. They wouldn't like it if someone with no real knowledge about the military was saying how awful it was of them to kill someone and only focusing on that part of a post, not really focusing on other important parts. I think it's similar for sexual assault survivors, outsiders often don't understand the range of emotions a person goes through straight after.

I'm not saying I think everyone who is asking has been abused- I think it's sad how many people claim assault for selfish reasons. I also want to ask- are you so confident in this that you would be willing to report it? A lot of people who lie wouldn't because a lot of times they don't even break of a relationship with that person, abuse just becomes an excuse and pity for themselves in their mind. BUT many survivors don't report, some survivors do still remain close to the abuser. No two assaults are the same because everyone handles trauma differently.

There's sometimes silly posts on here. Some people use this site to get over a break up with an ex they were convinced had ptsd, some people want others to diagnose them with an excuse they can use. Even if 1% of these people are actually suffering I don't want to be wrong that 1 time when it does matter.

Personally I'm not willing to be wrong by telling someone they weren't assaulted and diminishing what happened to them. I think it's safest to recommend professional help and lend them my support along the way. Because even if they are exaggerating, their just going to add more 'facts' until others agree with what they wanted to hear in the first place. So far I haven't seen a post where someone says 'thank goodness! You guys are so right- definitely not abuse.' (But I would love to!)

I do think there's a difference between posts where they genuinely wonder if something was normal or if it was abuse. There's a difference I believe because they are not usually all distraught and distressed. When emotions get involved it's not fair for me to diminish how someone is feeling- they feel wrong because something is wrong to them.

Sorry if my thoughts came across super jumbled, I'm a bit scatter brained with lots of thoughts!:rolleyes:

 

[fly away home]

Yep @billie this is what I'm getting at. I was conditioned from early childhood for abuse. I accepted rape. Feelings would have confused anyone trying to understand if I was raped but facts are facts.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It bothers me that if people are willing to share details - that clearly they feel is relevant or they would not have shared it - there appears to be an expectation that we simply ignore what they have written, say yes it's assault, and tell them to report it to the police and to get therapy. I kinda feel like this is totally dismissing and invalidating the whole point of the question.

I'm really glad that you wrote this lucycat.

I think at some point, many people who have been raped or sexually abused, have minimised it, blamed themselves and not been believed. Based on that, perhaps many people feel that they don't wish to replicate their experience and will assume the worse case scenario as it is seen as what others need to hear.

Whilst I understand that, for numerous reasons, it isn't healthy. I think it is also an assumption to believe that everyone who has been through sexual abuse, want to have a black and white scenario of one being 100% to blame and the other 100% not to blame.

If somebody has asked, was this assault, then they have asked for other peoples opinions. And the best thing, is for that person is to hear a variety of opinions that see it different ways, so that they have the opportunity to make their own mind up.

 

[Lucycat]

I think at some point, many people who have been raped or sexually abused, have minimised it, blamed themselves and not been believed. Based on that, perhaps many people feel that they don't wish to replicate their experience and will assume the worse case scenario as it is seen as what others need to hear.

yes, I think that is it. They are subjective due to personal experience rather than objectively looking at the facts as they are presented.

I guess that will always happen as we are all human with discrete experiences. Much as I like black and white logic because it makes decisions so much easier, the real world is not like that.

they have the opportunity to make their own mind up.

Thank you!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Hopefully that other thread is finished now. But I wanted to come here, because it is for the reasons mentioned here that I'm feeling crushed and hurt at what I saw there.

I feel like there is only one opinion allowed about sexual abuse, and I feel that once again, I don't matter and that nobody wants to hear my feelings, my views and the actual way that I experienced abuse. Instead, people are telling me how people who have been abused feel, what they think, how everyone should treat them - and I don't matter in that - I feel like an object without a right to express my own feelings, my own views, or to say how I want to be treated.

I feel that the aggressive behavior that was used to push a single opinion is something that takes away my voice and objectifies me into some psychological study, rather than a human being. It hurts when I am treated like that. It hurts because I have been objectified during abuse itself, and I want to be a viewed as an individual person, not "people who've been abused" or "victims" or, "sufferers" or "them" or even "survivors". It's as if the sexual abuse that I experienced doesn't count, or that I should actually feel ashamed for the way I view it.

I understand that those people may feel that they are standing up for the rights of those who've been sexually abused. But they are not. I have been sexually abused, and I feel that demanding only one opinion be held, takes away my rights and completely invalidates me as a human being.

If people want to respond with yes, that's great as their individual view. But I hope that people will find some understanding from this, and perhaps listen to other peoples views, rather than trying to push them out.

.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Meadowsweet I definitely agree with what you said and appreciate your point of view.

For me, I've experienced different types and situations I abuse. I, too, have asked for opinions on certain events that I have a hard time processing before. I don't look for just a 'yes you were abused, sorry' I want honest answers. But I want them answered nicely. I think that definitely makes a difference. I don't want to be accused of awful things because at that point in time I really am questioning things.

On top of that I think the situation they are currently in matters. I think honesty is the most helpful feedback and can really help a person, it just needs to be delicate given it's nature.

 

[Hashi]

It bothers me that when someone arrives here and says I said no over and over and over again and none of my nos were listened to, members actually reinforce the rapist by asserting that a victim's no didn't really count, doesn't really matter.

@ill I'm going to be completely honest and say that what you have said about this site bothers me. I've never seen anything like this here - someone stating they actually said "no" and another member telling them their "no's" didn't count. I've seen threads where people report being told this by people in their life. But a thread where someone says "I said no over and over again" and then the responses (or at least one response) were to reinforce the rapist by asserting that the no didn't count... I have never seen this.

But perhaps you have, and I haven't. Could you link to an example, because I'm really struggling with this idea, but I realise I may simply not have seen threads that you have seen?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think honesty is the most helpful feedback and can really help a person, it just needs to be delicate given it's nature.

I agree that honesty is the most helpful feedback. But, for me personally, I don't find people being delicate with their honesty helpful.

This is my point, there isn't a way that works for everyone, and when people start thinking that they know how others want something delivered, they invariably make mistakes.

Mistakes are fine, as long as people are open to discussion of alternative perspectives, and developing further understanding from them. But when others words are aggressively dismissed without any attempt at discussion, then it is purely invalidating another human beings right to have an opinion.

 

[anthony]

I think too many people here are quite honestly too chicken shit to say what they actually think on threads. I see it to often, when someone says one thing here, then another in a private diary or such... this is why I actually like @Solara so much with her comments. I'm not talking about being aggressive, but if you see something a certain way, then say it... is my opinion. You don't need to be attacking to say what you think. How a person takes another's opinion is up to them. I like absolute transparency and open honesty myself.

It actually pisses me off when I read people supporting someone / some view that they don't honestly agree with, then saying the opposite elsewhere. There is nothing wrong with starting of supportive, or vice versa, and changing your view as more information comes to light, or remaining to your view as new information hasn't changed anything for you.

Me personally, having seen just about everything mental health has to throw outwards here over the years... I don't believe everything people say, because I see what I see in real life replicated here... one view to a person directly, another behind their back.

I don't have a yes opinion to everything, as many would know who know me from experience here. I do get it wrong at times, no question about it... and I can admit it when my mind changes, but I can't stand yes people who all they do is give positive support even when it isn't right. We aren't all angels and when we screw up or make mistakes, then the comment should reflect that if that is what you think, not agreement or such to be all publicly nice.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think too many people here are quite honestly too chicken shit to say what they actually think on threads.

I am lol. But I don't say the opposite of what I think to please. I back away. But, with the extent of the fear that I feel at times, sometimes it might be the right thing to go elsewhere and let the emotion out, before responding. That's because I know that when I do have those reactions, my ability to percieve the situation as it is (without it becoming a reaction to past trauma) can be impaired.

Also, the place I find most that I want to throw some stark reality into, is the supporters forum, and we're not allowed to do that there - and yesp, I'm definately to chicken shit to take on Nicollette, I'd just get banned.

 

[Notsowild]

I can see your point @anthony and I also like @Solara 's straight to the point comments. But as a child of rape I do think there should be some sensitivity too. After all the age to post here is 13.

 

[anthony]

the place I find most that I want to throw some stark reality into, is the supporters forum, and we're not allowed to do that there

And there's good reason for that... because they don't need people with PTSD telling them how to deal with someone who isn't being nice to them already, who has PTSD. They need supporters with experience to help them... not people with PTSD throwing more fuel upon their fire. People with PTSD can be right arseholes when uncontrolled... and we are the ones with a mental health issue after all.