Sibling Guilt/sexual Abuse/acoa

[It's all my fault]

So many people suffer from C- PTSD and I guess I do too. Looking back I've had symptoms for 30 years. I never really put a name to it until 3 years ago when my life was all but completely destroyed.

I researched adult children of alcoholics in my 20's, I'm 50 now. I have a family and had an excellent professional career. Things unraveled in 2011 when I was in a car accident, physically injured and couldn't support myself. Depression sat in, then mania and then my life was destroyed. I lost my family while I was spinning out of control and I took down everything and everyone in its path. My family has returned but I absolutely haven't. I am no longer as self destructive.....for the most part. My career is gone, my hopes and dreams shattered. I spent the first 2 years with a therapist who basically did CBT. Although it helped some, it was by no means fixed the drive behind this....the trauma......and lots of it.

I was molested by a family friend on multiple occasions. I was 11. I grew up afraid for my life from my violent alcoholic father. He physically abused my siblings, attempted to drown my brother, gave them beatings with a belt and broke my brothers arm. I witnessed some of their abuse. I was regularly threatened and was terrified. But, I was spared, called the favorite by everyone including my mom. This made me feel more guilty. She stood by in her land of dissociation and did nothing. To this day she doesn't take responsibility for her part in this. I have never once seen her shed a tear in all of her lire and I don't think she can. I struggle with survivor guilt every day, wish I was beaten and at 50 I don't think that will ever change.


I have had multiple suicide attempts, self mutilate and live often in my mom's land of dissociation too. I have found a trauma specialist, PHD, who told me I was severely emotionally dysregulated and that this is not my fault. I like her but I don't know if I can ever trust her. That said, she is probably the best fit for me and her experience is impressive. I am absolutely terrified of the process. Going into a session feels like going to slaughter! She knows this and is doing everything she can to make me feel as comfortable as possible. I don't think I can safely ever access these memories or sensations for processing which keeps me stuck in suicidality. I've been seeing her twice a week now for the last 8 months. Most of which I spend highly activated and very uncomfortable. It is not her, it is me. She is very patient. She is explaining things to me and knowledge is power but a lot of the time I still don't understand why I react and feel the way I do. My siblings are supportive. Although they were not sexually assaulted, to my knowledge, they seem to be able to function well in their lives and have forgiven my parents. they are upset that I am angry at my mom and want to hold her accountable for what she has done. She has apologized but always said" I was afraid and abused too.". There is no justification for not protecting your children from physical abuse.

I'm hoping to get support here, I feel so alone at times with this as the rest of the world, including my family, goes on smiling while I pray for death. Truth be told, my children are the only thing keeping me breathing. My therapist tells me my guilt feelings are anger. Yes, I am angry, no I'm furious but I am also guilty. My mom told me if she didn't have me than maybe she would have left him. I wish I wasn't born because maybe then my siblings wouldn't have been hurt. My therapist tells me this was her excuse to why she chose to stay. Whatever, if I wasn't born she would have had the option. No one can convince me else wise. I'm sure this is where a lot of guilt comes from.


There is so much work on this trauma to be done. She had me put it all into a "container" so that we could deal with it one trauma at a time. I can't shut the lid and sometimes the container is hemorrhaging. I have no idea if things will ever get back to me not wanting to die. People have had so much worse trauma and I feel so weak not being able to deal with mine. Thanks for listening,

 

[desiderata310]

She has apologized but always said" I was afraid and abused too.". There is no justification for not protecting your children from physical abuse

As someone who has been through this on both sides now, I can say this with some authority: she has never forgiven herself either.

I'm not asking you to forgive her. That is something you have to be moved to do.

I look back on the hell that I lived through and the hell that my kids lived through as a result of my fear and inability to extract myself and I die a thousand tiny deaths each day. I was employed and successful and terrified to leave. Beaten down and scared for our safety regardless of if I left or if I stayed. Add to the physical, emotional (and molested)abuse you witnessed or lived through she also lived through similar and probably sexual abuse from her end nightly. Those were different times when we were growing up. The resources weren't there and things like this were often covered up. It was ten thousand times harder to leave back in the 60's and 70's.

I know you lived through hell. She did (and most likely still does) too.

Does it excuse it? No. I know I will never forgive myself for putting my kids through the horrors of emotional, physical and psychological abuse.
I suffered at his hands as well. It took me years to get up the courage and it took him almost killing me to finally leave.

Be gentle on yourself, please. You need it the most.

 

[Notsowild]

Hi @It's all my fault... Welcome to the forum. I feel a lot of guilt for my siblings abuse too. I tried so hard to get my father to stop even letting him abuse me instead. But I was just a kid. Nobody tried to stop him not even my mother. I still have nightmares of his abuse of my sisters.
I was also in a car accident in July. Most of my injuries were mental. Flashbacks, dissociation, hypervigilance, insomnia etc etc. it's been tough, my boss was not very understanding of my plight. I'm off on medical leave right now and seeing a trauma therapist. Hoping something gets better soon. Anyways welcome this is a great place full of caring and knowledgable people. Keep posting.

 

[franciemarnie]

Hello from another ACOA! I took on three of the four roles for kids in alcoholic home - caretaker, scapegoat and manifest-er of the family dysfunction. I was initially an over achiever like my brother's role, but that fell to the side.

I know how rough it is. You will find support here and much information and many healing solutions.

Welcome!

 

[It's all my fault]

A mothers job is to protect her children at all costs. Period. My mom could have called the police. We could have been placed away from the physical harm. A heartfelt apology and not an excuse or justification would help heal me. I need to hear that she made a mistake and had she the choice to do it over again she would remove us at all costs. Period. No excuses. There are and always were options even back when this happened to me.. Granted, it is easier today for sure but they were there. She chose not to take them. I'm tired of her excuses. I'm tired of hearing it was different back then. But most of all I'm tired of feeling guilty for something that was done to me that has ruined my life.
Her feeling guilty gives me no peace if her apology is followed by I was scared too and it was different back then. I was the child, not the adult. For once in my life this needs to not be about her.

 

[desiderata310]

Agreed.

 

[It's all my fault]

Thank you and good luck on your recivery too

 

[intothelight]

Hi It's all my fault,

Welcome to the forum!

The emotions that you are experiencing are perfectly normal and I think as you read through other members post, you'll find you are not alone. Yes, you should be angry as growing up in an abusive home just sucks. But don't hold on to the anger and expect it to be resolved with an apology that may never come. You can only control your own thoughts and perceptions and other than sharing your feelings, you have no control over how another person will respond or interpret the set of events. I struggle with hoping that some miracle will occur and my own mother will take responsibility for her abuse, but in reality that will never happen and I only harm myself by clinging to a false hope.

It is perfectly normal for a child to feel guilty as they see themselves as having some control or contribution to the situation. But as adults we would never blame a child for domestic violence and recognize they are a victim of a cycle beyone their control. PTSD causes these emotions to get all tangled up and that is where therapy is invaluable.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Debbie

 

[It's all my fault]

Debbie,
I think that is the best advise I have ever heard in my life! Thank you!

 

[Foxglove]

A mothers job is to protect her children at all costs. Period. My mom could have called the police. We could have been placed away from the physical harm. A heartfelt apology and not an excuse or justification would help heal me. I need to hear that she made a mistake and had she the choice to do it over again she would remove us at all costs. Period. No excuses. There are and always were options even back when this happened to me.. Granted, it is easier today for sure but they were there. She chose not to take them. I'm tired of her excuses. I'm tired of hearing it was different back then. But most of all I'm tired of feeling guilty for something that was done to me that has ruined my life.
Her feeling guilty gives me no peace if her apology is followed by I was scared too and it was different back then. I was the child, not the adult. For once in my life this needs to not be about her.

Your parents sound like my parents and I feel just like you. My parents won't apologize because they still deny it all. I really relate to your posts in this thread. You deserved to be protected and should have been. :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

I'm hoping to get support here, I feel so alone at times with this

Welcome :) You are not alone here.

People have had so much worse trauma and I feel so weak not being able to deal with mine

I struggled with this for a long time too (and still do on my bad days).