Hello, everyone. I was diagnosed with CPTSD about a year ago after years of being misdiagnosed with depression and other mental illnesses that never added up. I'd list the traumas I've gone through but I really don't feel like opening up about them right now.
I've struggled with nightmares, invasive memories, insomnia and intense anxiety for so many years that it's completely normal to me and as a result, I often think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I experience a lot of joint and muscular discomfort and pain as a result of how much anxiety and fear I carry around with me.
It's not like this constantly, though. I go through periods of time where I feel quite well and like I've finally begun moving on from everything. But then something will happen that will set me right back and I feel like I'm at square one again. I can never hold onto those times when I feel like I'm doing better; I can never sustain it; I always end up falling into a heap that often lasts for months. I can't hold down a job, even though I really want to be able to work. I can't focus on studying, even though I really want to further my education. I just feel like a mess of a human being.
I've fallen into a heap again recently. My anxiety has become particularly bad in recent months. I'm on edge all the time; I feel like there's danger and threat waiting for me around every corner. The smallest noises or sudden movements make me jump; and when I do jump, it's a full body reaction that I feel in my muscles and my bones, in my chest and my bowels, and it often causes a jolt of intense panic that jars me out of reality. Sometimes, it's bad enough to make me feel like I'm going to vomit or lose consciousness. I'm very easily agitated and can't think clearly once worry and fear starts to set in. Normal day-to-day activities, like washing dishes, going to the shops, etc. often overwhelm me to the point where I feel frozen and don't know where to start. Which then causes a vicious cycle of feelings of uselessness and worthlessness.
My fear and anxiety has gotten to the point where I dissociate very easily, often feel like I'm being "pulled" out of myself, disconnected from myself, and like there's something splintering and fracturing within me. I often feel like the world around me isn't real. When this happens, my eyesight goes weirdly fuzzy/hazy and my ears ring, and I feel a lot of pressure in my chest like it's about to cave in. I feel like this on a day-to-day basis lately.
Don't really know what to do or who to turn to or how to fight against this. I feel like I've been fighting my whole life and I have no energy left to keep fighting. All I want to do is sleep (even though I usually can't sleep, ha) and shut off from the world and lose myself in fiction and fantasy.
Speaking of fiction and fantasy, though, I'll finish this verbiage off on a more positive note: I chose the username "patronus" because of what it means: an incarnation of a spellcaster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy, hope, or the desire to survive. A Patronus is a protector, a weapon that protects the soul; a bright shielding light that forces away darkness and sadness through the power of joyful memories and feelings of hope. I guess I'm still trying to find what my Patronus is and how to call upon it. I like to think that I will some day.
I've struggled with nightmares, invasive memories, insomnia and intense anxiety for so many years that it's completely normal to me and as a result, I often think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I experience a lot of joint and muscular discomfort and pain as a result of how much anxiety and fear I carry around with me.
It's not like this constantly, though. I go through periods of time where I feel quite well and like I've finally begun moving on from everything. But then something will happen that will set me right back and I feel like I'm at square one again. I can never hold onto those times when I feel like I'm doing better; I can never sustain it; I always end up falling into a heap that often lasts for months. I can't hold down a job, even though I really want to be able to work. I can't focus on studying, even though I really want to further my education. I just feel like a mess of a human being.
I've fallen into a heap again recently. My anxiety has become particularly bad in recent months. I'm on edge all the time; I feel like there's danger and threat waiting for me around every corner. The smallest noises or sudden movements make me jump; and when I do jump, it's a full body reaction that I feel in my muscles and my bones, in my chest and my bowels, and it often causes a jolt of intense panic that jars me out of reality. Sometimes, it's bad enough to make me feel like I'm going to vomit or lose consciousness. I'm very easily agitated and can't think clearly once worry and fear starts to set in. Normal day-to-day activities, like washing dishes, going to the shops, etc. often overwhelm me to the point where I feel frozen and don't know where to start. Which then causes a vicious cycle of feelings of uselessness and worthlessness.
My fear and anxiety has gotten to the point where I dissociate very easily, often feel like I'm being "pulled" out of myself, disconnected from myself, and like there's something splintering and fracturing within me. I often feel like the world around me isn't real. When this happens, my eyesight goes weirdly fuzzy/hazy and my ears ring, and I feel a lot of pressure in my chest like it's about to cave in. I feel like this on a day-to-day basis lately.
Don't really know what to do or who to turn to or how to fight against this. I feel like I've been fighting my whole life and I have no energy left to keep fighting. All I want to do is sleep (even though I usually can't sleep, ha) and shut off from the world and lose myself in fiction and fantasy.
Speaking of fiction and fantasy, though, I'll finish this verbiage off on a more positive note: I chose the username "patronus" because of what it means: an incarnation of a spellcaster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy, hope, or the desire to survive. A Patronus is a protector, a weapon that protects the soul; a bright shielding light that forces away darkness and sadness through the power of joyful memories and feelings of hope. I guess I'm still trying to find what my Patronus is and how to call upon it. I like to think that I will some day.
