Really, what I think it comes down to is that people who have one or more of the following:
a. have little to no personal or relational experience with trauma (aka, the 'lucky ones')
b. have traumatic or infantile amnesia or active repression of (their own) trauma, or
c. are not relatively emotionally experienced or intelligent, overall
d. extreme introvert; lack of social engagement
do not know how to respond to others who suffer from trauma or PTSD, and it's not really their fault. They're simply not outfitted with the capacity to be a "good responder." Even when they want to help, they just don't have the training or talent.
I think my friend has d. introversion, and possibly b. repression/dissociation/denial of trauma. I recall that G. was grooming her with the group, and shortly after (2 days later) she completely withdrew socially. She selected a new friend, who was highly manipulative, and allowed her and her mother to sort of "adopt her and her siblings." After that fell apart and they moved away suddenly, she (the introverted sister) had no luck making friends. She simply never talked to anyone. I'm verbal, if you can't tell by my long posts and career as professional "talker." My friend likes to be the "listener" and then jump in to the conversation when she wants to. I'm a good listener, or I try to be for all my friends, in that I tend to be sympathetic or feel empathy for what they need. I could do better about asking questions or helping the other person feel important. I work on it, partly by just "shutting up" and partly by remembering what's been going on with them and asking them about it or their thoughts on interesting or novel things coming up, films, new restaurants, things they like.
I feel that my friends' parents were unintentionally neglectful. They are artists/musicians, who were forever tuning their guitars in some other room and/or composing. They had "dreams," which is, now I realize a dangerous thing for a parent to have. I remember thinking how terrible it was that the kids were left on their own in their rooms with a closed door for hours (all school day) with a glass of water when they had a fever. They were not checked, entertained by TV or music, offered foods or popsicles, or given a cold cloth or anything. They were expected to sleep all day. There was a culture of independence and asking God for things that people should have provided, in my opinion. --I'm not waiting for the afterlife for a hug and an ibuprofen-- My nurse mom at least usually performed okay on nursing duties. That was her strong point, when she was around.
My husband and I are becoming more aware (in our 30s) of the world as full of people who either can or cannot be empathetic in a given situation. Some people develop the skills of being more empathetic/caring over a lifetime with effort, and often, this is exhibited in a limited arena (forum, workplace, home, church community, youth organization, etc.). Others are just really good at empathy, always have been, and end up being a counselor whether paid or not, and seem to hold their own in many relationships.
I can't expect that from everyone, as it's a gift. But being on this forum, which I think attracts people in search of empathy, and empathy skills, may create for me the illusion that a disproportionate % of the pop have a baseline of such skills. :)
In other words, not everyone can write like those on this forum and that's just too bad.
Thanks, Albatross for not being offended. In a certain mood, I could really share spiritual community, but since my Dx of PTSD, my life has veered away. I think that would have happened even had it been Civil War Reenactors or whatever group we were in. I just needed a huge break from the whole culture I was steeped in and which my trauma occurred. Some of it's avoidance, clearly. Some of it's boredom (been there, done that for 30 years). Some of it cultural, I'm an academic. Some of it is I don't "join things" and avoid being a core part of a group based on temperament (INTJ).
The later is likely huge. I don't fit in, anywhere, and never will, and so should own it. I'm very, very lucky to have met my best friend and husband/life co-adventurer early, both were 17.5 years old. I have been much more happy ever since, despite differences, I love being married. Since finding this relationship, all others besides my kids, co-workers, students, neighbors, and school friends, seem too far out and I don't have the time or desire. I just want to spend my time with my husband. He likes to hang out with guys at work, but he likes his time with his wife and daughters. So, I think, I'm spoiled.
