i think the biggest thing the sexual assault did was silence me. I was 14 and he was my best friends dad. So even once I knew what was really happening and wanted it to stop, I couldn't actually do anything without blowing up my life and her life. She would have been devestated to find out. I tried so many times to tell someone, anyone, to make it stop but I just couldn't. So it went on for way to long. Long enough for me to blame myself, and hate myself, and have so much shame that I've lost all sense of self. And when he killed himself, I felt like there was no reason and I had no right to say anything.
Now it's 12 years later and I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how to have needs or accept needs in others. I don't know how to let people love me. I don't know how to accept nice things and feelings. And worst of all, I have such a hard time to talk about it at all. I can't say the word because I've been silent for so long I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to be the person I'm supposed to be.
Now it's 12 years later and I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how to have needs or accept needs in others. I don't know how to let people love me. I don't know how to accept nice things and feelings. And worst of all, I have such a hard time to talk about it at all. I can't say the word because I've been silent for so long I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to be the person I'm supposed to be.
