Silences In Session

[Deleted member 29920]

It looks likely I will have a new therapist soon, I have met with her a few times for assessment but one thing has bothered me about her.

When we sit down at the start of session, she either says absolutely nothing or says "so.." then nothing if I sit silently too. I find it unnerving and I end up forcing myself to just tell her how my past week has been. How would you handle this?

 

[digger]

How would you handle this?

By telling her how the silence makes you feel. What way would you like her to start your sessions? What do you feel would be more beneficial to you?

My T says that a lot of therapists use periods of silence within sessions as times for both their client and themselves to be able to reflect and to give the client the opportunity to direct the session. Some people find it more useful than others though. For me it was just stressful and it took me a long time to be able to tolerate silence from my T without it making me feel extremely anxious. I have noticed more recently that she is bringing it back into our sessions more again, but she is generally pretty good at judging how long I can cope with it for before it becomes more problematic than beneficial.

Have the conversation about it :tup:

 

[Justmehere]

Tell her your goals for therapy, ask her how she can help you reach those goals - if this didn't come up in the assessment already.

Week-in-review therapy sessions are not a bad thing, but they don't often lead to long term change. Silky paused can be a tool to help someone start talking, or they can be frustrating moments, sometimes both.

Bring in a list every week with tree things you would like to work on. It could be three symptoms, or relationship difficulties, or etc. Ask her what she can do to help. Ask for what you can work on each week outside of therapy.

These things have helped make my own therapy a lot more effective, and given both my therapist and I a lot to talk about.

 

[The Albatross]

My shrink did this... and I normalized it by reviewing my issues of the previous week so that when he'd sit quietly and say "So..." I'd have a mixed bag of things to relate... some good, some not, some weird and then he'd zero in on something and we'd work it through, or I'd work it through under his supervision. It normalized. My main motivation was that I was private paying my sessions so I wanted my dang money's worth. (Finances are both stressful and motivating... but hey it worked to get me to play ball)

 

[Klo]

I can't handle working with a therapist who is like that, who just expects me to run the whole session while they provide no direction and minimal feedback. I feel like I am paying to talk to a rock, which I could do for free. One thing I have liked about my new therapist so far right off the bat is that she gets things rolling immediately and helps direct the conversation. Makes it loads easier to focus.

 

[sun seeker]

How would you handle this?

I'd tell her I need her to be more directive, if indeed that is what you want. She might be behaving the way she would want to be treated (I can't imagine wanting a therapist to be like this, but it might be someone else's cup of tea!) Communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

[watundah]

It is interesting that the expectation is that everyone is a chatterer who can plop down and spill. I have never done that! I watched the first season of "In Treatment" and I thought "What is this crap?" The therapist said"mmmhmmm" "uhhh huh" and once in a while made an observation or asked a question.

Those pregnant pauses are not for everyone. Especially us quiet folks. And dissociation doesn't exactly make one chatty. I know sometimes my mind is simply blank. And once in a while a pause is a good thing but it is usually from me trying to pick my words.

The empty air does generate a lot of pressure when therapy can already cause a great deal of anxiety. It may take a while for your new therapist to learn that you need some help to keep the ball rolling. I would tell her you need more of a dialogue and for her to ask questions. Hopefully she will understand and adapt her style to your needs. Your expectations are not off base.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Thanks to everyone for your responses on this, you've helped me understand why she's doing it, and also why I'm finding it unnerving. I will definitely discuss it with her. I can see she's trying to let me be in charge of the session, but also still a bit... annoyed about it because it's making me feel more lost and worried, unsure of what topic to start with, I was hoping she would direct me! I see that it's important for me to choose the topics that matter most to me though. It's tough because there's so much stuff.

 

[digger]

I can see she's trying to let me be in charge of the session, but also still a bit... annoyed about it because it's making me feel more lost and worried, unsure of what topic to start with, I was hoping she would direct me

It took me a while to be able to get to the point where I was more comfortable with this. My T has always been very clear that she would prefer me to be in control of our sessions as much as possible because she thinks too much control has been taken away from me in my life already and she doesn't want to be another person doing that - it helped to hear her explain it like that - but she could also see that it was going to take some building to get there, that I wasn't just going to have the confidence to do that with her straight away, or feel comfortable with her waiting it out in silence without any input from her.

I do generally choose what I am bringing to sessions now, but for a long while, pretty much all I could manage from my side was to keep showing up each week while we tried to find a balance and method that would work.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

It took me a while to be able to get to the point where I was more comfortable with this. My T has always...

That sounds really hard @digger, yes it'll take some time for me to be comfortable with a therapist letting me take the lead, I know I'll probably start with less difficult memories, and try to build up a sort of working alliance with her.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good luck @Cj77 . :hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Good luck @Cj77 . :hug:

Thanks @Junebug, I really appreciate it :hug: :)