Sitting, Staring Into The Abyss

[Deleted member 43454]

As I grew up my Mother had to care after my Grandpa.
Like any kid I had no actual understanding of the effects Shell Shock
could have on a man's mind. My grandfather would sit for hours outside,
just staring into the abyss. Some night's he drank so heavily he'd pass out
sitting upright on the side of his bed slumped on his beer belly.
With John Wayne, or Clint Eastwood on the T.V.

He was a veteran of the Korean war. Stubborn as they came.
But he was an honest man. He never really sat me down and
spoke of the war, or gave me any great advice regarding what
to do if I ever ventured into the killing fields. But what he did
do was give me an insight into what I may some day end up
like.

Obviously I didn't know this or recognize it at the time...
I shot my sisters hair bands at him, got him pissed just
so he'd yell, "Chingao!" When I startled him. Was hilarious to my
buddies and myself to get him angry. Some nights I'd awaken
in the middle of the night to the sounds of him screaming names out.
Asking god to take him in the middle of the night.
To end his pain and suffering.
He was against anyone in our family participating in war.

As unfortunate as it was, he refused to get his foot amputated and
got gangrene shortly before he passed and it brought a lot of stress
upon my Family with the bandage changing etc...

Point I'm trying to get at here is :

I don't wish to end up sitting in that chair on the porch staring into the abyss.
So what does that mean? f*ck if I know... But I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines.
If I wasn't actually worth some help to my family right now. I'd be on the next plane
out.

 

[JarHed]

Great post Doc. When you're a kid you can't possibly understand what someone like your Grandfather went through. Hindsight gives insight. At least, I believe, you're doing something to help yourself and move forward. There we're any choices back then. At least today we have some. It's always a struggle but I hope it will get better for vets as time goes on. I'm always going to look at the glass as half full, guess I'm lucky with that.

 

[LIllabeth]

@DrBlack, I think we are a new generation, with (I hope) better awareness and new fangled technology that allows us different opportunities than your grandfather had, which allow us to not spend our days "sitting, staring into the abyss" but searching for making our lives livable and -gasp- happily functioning. You sound like you are afraid of becoming your grandfather (punch me in my right arm because I just got my flu shot in my left if I am out of line here) but you are devoted to your family, you promote the well being of others here with your witty / sage advice and seek help which means you want your own recovery. Everyone of us has days where we don't want to interact with the world but we do what we can and take pride in pushing thru, knowing tomorrow will be another challenge. This is me, standing just off to your left, saying "steady on"

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

The difference between staring into the abyss, and finding our way back is recognizing our condition, and working hard to improve it. It's a huge challenge, one that requires effort each and every day.

In the past Vets. tried to ignore their condition, and it ruined a huge part of their lives.

SD

 

[atilla]

Anything worth doing usually involves hard work and perseverance, Improving the quality of our lives, living with ptsd is no different in my mind.

 

[Woodman]

One day I ran into a WWII vet. I know he was because he had that Pearl Harbor hat on. I walked up to him and said, Thank You for your service. He looked shocked and appreciative and said thank you and I said No thank you. It was the right thing to do and I'd do it again.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Wonderful story Black, I think those who have been to the abyss understand fully.

I had an old friend that I knew from church that was a Korean vet as well - he too had a secret. Dave was a E5 Marine that survived Chosin and like the rest of us had story that needed to be heard. He wore a frown that distinguished him in a crowd had a gravel tone in his voice - I always felt it was to keep people at a distance. It's not unusual that he befriended myself and John (a Marine double amputee) Vietnam vet. Dave was always the first to acknowledge "You Nam guys, you guy's had it tough" and never a mention of what he endured. We all attended daily Mass together and afterward we'd be outside doing what vets do, friendly branch jabs and having laughs. Being the only *Swab Jockey* I could instigate a bit of friendly rivalry at the drop of a hat. When we all caught our breath from laughing we'd each go our way only to repeat the ritual the next morning. He seemed to like to have a drink. Most mornings the smell of alcohol was quite noticeable - I could not tell if it was needed to get him going or what got him some sleep that night. No matter, he earned it - maybe it was his social lubricant. What the hell, it worked for me for a long time as well.

One day he did not make mass and neither did his wife - we knew something was not right. The following morning we heard that he had passed away. At the wake his wife spoke with us alone. She mentioned that he was not a happy man and mastered the fine art of *faking it* in most circles. She wanted to thank both of us for being his good friend. She mentioned that our little sessions after Mass was the highlight of his day. At times she noticed a laugh that she only heard in the late 40's when they dated. That, she said, was her "Old Dave" and she would listen intently. She thanked us for those brief moments.

John and I still meet each morning only to discuss the days chores and our aches, pains and Dr. appointments. Funny, as I look back on it, Dave would not allow that sort of talk dampen the best part of his day.

Semper Fi Dave, you knew the abyss and dealt with it as a Marine. Improvise, Adapt and Overcome.

If only for a brief moment in time you were at peace.... RIP.

Ba

 

[Aprooster74]

I am an American Combat Vet. Iraq was my theater (wounded before I could get to Afghanistan)) :-( ... In my journey I have learned one thing. A combat Veteran is not looking for someone to share his story with in detail. We are just looking for that sense of equality that can only be found between those of us that have endured the same realities. I do not need to be around those who wants to know how many I killed? What was it like? Would you go back? etc. etc. etc. .... I need to be around that person who can walk up and say 'Did your A/C freeze in your CHU, like mine?' ... 'Why the hell didn't the PX have what I wanted? Billions are being spent you would think CHEETOS were on the list!' .... 'Nigerian gate guards? What next country building?' ...
A combat Veteran is not looking for someone to share their nightmares with, We are looking for someone who can see us as just people. In all truth and reality that is what matters. Combat is not a chosen truth. Fortunately, it chooses those who can and leaves us to adjust fire.

I do not and never will regret my service and what it entails. In Vets I Trust!

 

[Sludge]

There is nothing wrong with staring into the abyss. I do it daily.

The secret is to resist the urge to jump in.