Sitting With The Pain

[BlueOrange]

So I have a diary in the members section that talks about what happened to me, the early stuff and whatnot. I'd like to be a bit more public.

And the trauma that I haven't processed? It's not about what was done to me, it's about what I did. I ran away from my parents home, I intimidated my first wife and my children, I spent hours and hours (and weeks and months and years) playing computer games, I didn't take care of myself.

I feel that I have mostly forgiven 'them'. It still hurts to remember things like being slapped in the face, or an untreated broken leg. I haven't forgiven myself.

The trauma that I need to process now is the trauma of being a person that was traumatized. Of being out of place, of being trapped. Of watching myself powerlessly as I screamed and raged. That's some difficult shit.

And all of you remind me of it. And you challenge me to forgive myself by being wonderful and considerate, while also having human flaws.

I'm not around much at the moment. Being here hurts. I have social opportunities with people who have experienced great pain, but those social opportunities don't center around the pain. That's a bit easier to handle.

I apologize for not being here. I could be useful if I was more active here. But I'm not really sorry, not all of me. I want to be forgiven, but I don't really plan to change my behaviour. It hurts to help sometimes, and I'm allowed to protect myself, even if protecting myself means not helping others. I think. That's a very uncomfortable statement. But I think it's true.

 

[Bloomy]

The trauma that I need to process now is the trauma of being a person that was traumatized

well said and something Ive been looking for how to explain.

Other then that I think youve been here longer then me so what you write comes from that I guess. You have the right to take care of yourself without apology of course.

Speaking for myself I feel done with the pain and the screaming and the howling at its worst. Im ready for ptsd growth and lighting the way out of the darkness.

Wish you all the best -

Bloomy

 

[Sideways]

I've missed your posts. I've been hoping you'd come back.

But this is a place for healing - don't turn it into a place for personal sacrifice. If coming here helps, then come back. If you need to not be here, stay away. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd hate to think that you were coming here to help me, and people like me, if it comes at your own expense.

You're #1. Look after yourself. This place will always be here if and when you need it.

 

[BlueOrange]

Thanks guys :)

I have a tendency to martyr myself, and this place has been a mixed blessing for me throughout my membership. Drawing support from people has always been far more frightening and difficult for me than providing it. Providing it is safe, and is a way of keeping people at a distance.

I'm contributing to another online community at the moment, dealing with easier topics (online gaming). I'm learning to accept help over there, and receiving a lot of appreciation too. It's good practice. I feel like I should promise that I'll be more engaged here, that I'll resume my old pattern of activity. I also feel like that promise would be a bad idea. I think that I'd find it satisfying, if it's not too painful, and I don't get too sucked in. One thing at a time, I suspect.

 

[BlueOrange]

Well, it's been a hard week, with plenty of positives.

My income protection insurance claim is taking a long time to process, and they're not being very forthcoming with information. That's a stress.

My wife has been going through some of her own stresses at work, and with the financial uncertainty.

Her brother has moved into the spare room. He's a wonderful guy. He's also a person who asks questions like "I'm going to the shops, did you want anything?" that provide a bit of a stretch, a need to provide an answer.

I cooked two meals in the last two days. That's more than I did in February. Pleased with that.

The online gaming is providing me with lots of opportunities to obsess and over-react, and to recognize that I am obsessing and over-reacting. Also provides the company of a very warm group of friends.