Sleep Deprivation As A Form Of Self-harm...?

[HoosierGal]

I have terrible insomia. It's always been one of the main symptoms of my PTSD. Lack of sleep can really screw with me and make my other symptoms worse, too. I'm sure others can relate.

I take Trazodone (affectionately referred to by me and my BF as "Trazzy" lol) to sleep. I was prescribed it a couple years back because my doc. didn't want to put a then 22 yr old on addictive sleeping meds, and it didn't hurt that it's cheap. Trazzy works for me. It puts me to sleep gently, it keeps me asleep all night, it allows me to go through a full sleep cycle so I wake up and feel rested, no drug hangover symptoms. Its a miracle for me. WHEN I take it.

Some nights I am really tired and I just want to go to bed. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I need to make myself stay awake. So I don't take the trazodone and force myself to stay up, often to the point of tears and hitting myself. It's important to distinguish that I'm not staying awake because I'm afraid of something...I have minimal nightmare symptoms with PTSD, and my bedroom is a safe place. It literally feels like forcing myself to remain awake is another way of self-harming.

I've always been a self-harmer, but I've never wanted anyone to see my wounds/cuts. So when I did self-harm - starting as a child - I would hit myself with my hands of objects but always in places like my upper arms or thighs. I would also pick at my skin which could be explained away easier than cuts. If I did cut, rarely, it was in hidden places. I guess sleep deprivation is another way of self-harm that doesn't appear as overt as cutting scars. People may notice I'm tired, but they likely won't guess I did it on purpose or felt forced to by PTSD.

Has anyone else felt forced to keep themselves up all night even when they wanted to and had the means to get a good night's sleep?

 

[ms spock]

Great insight - very interesting.

 

[MCCS]

I've never looked at it that way but do tend to stay up and not get enough sleep. I plan to go to bed but end up almost finding a reason to stay up even when I'm tired. I don't know if my situation is the same as yours. For example it's 2:40 am and I've been dead tired for a couple hours now gunna make myself actually get in bed shortly though.

 

[strangelings]

For me it's not a form of self-harm per se, but it is a form of re-enactment. Years ago with a previous (wonderful) t we realized that by my not sleeping and basically living on caffiene and sugar at that time I was re-enacting and unconsciously reliving the experience of torture. I'm actually going through the sleep thing myself right now, though it is a fear thing, but I hear you.

 

[MCCS]

I used to think it was a fear thing for me to be honest but this past year my night terrors have turned into bad dreams. Even more recently my brain has run through a bad dream, then it goes through it again with a positive ending so I'm certainly not afraid to go to sleep anymore yet still stay up when I know I should get some sleep.

 

[Teasel]

Very much so @HoosierGal

I had a problem with this twice before, several years between those spells, and they lasted for weeks each time, 2 or 3 days each week. And I'm going hough it again now having not done this for several years. I absolutely see it as a kind of compulsive self harm or punishment.

I know it does harm me, and I feel quite out of control over it.ften I will end up so ov4 tired that getting to sleep can be ever so hard. I hope I'll stop doing this again soon.

Often I will obsessively read about ptsd and other problems I have. Somehow o feel more able to I don't know why.

 

[Teasel]

Just to add that several times through my life I have retreated 8n to insomnia at difficult times.

 

[HappyJock]

I have terrible insomia. It's always been one of the main symptoms of my PTSD. Lack of sleep can real...

Thanks for sharing and for this thread. I used to take Trazodone, so I can definitely relate there, regarding the terrible Insomnia and feeling the need to force myself to stay awake. (It reminds me a lot of the Elm Street movies where the teens would be pressured and had to force themselves to stay awake so that they didn't lose control and fall asleep). Not that that's the best example... but I don't sleep, I think, as a form of self-harm but also related to the reasoning for my PTSD. Some nights get so bad, I start dreaming with my eyes open. But I think it has a lot to do with fear of actually falling asleep. But then, when I finally did crash, I would feel terrible the following day and it'd really screw my mental health up and worsen the symptoms. So sometimes, I considered just taking medication that boosted my energy (anti-depressants) and kept me awake just so I wouldn't feel awful the next day.

 

[Jenbrookify]

I also have periods where I purposely avoid sleep, and in fact tried very hard to not sleep for quite a long time after my trauma, but my trauma happened in my sleep, so the very act of giving in to my subconscious by going to sleep is very triggering, especially during bad spells. It's incredibly difficult for me to not get sleep though, I literally cannot function without a weirdly high amount of sleep and get too tired to keep my eyes open, so it makes me feel super terrible even after one night of not sleeping or sleeping very little.

I've noticed though that as I started self harming I also cared less how bad not sleeping was for me, and how shitty I felt. There's definitely several motivators when I decide to stay up, not just fear but also now the feeling that I deserve to keep myself awake, that I deserve whatever misery not sleeping brings me. I think it makes it a bit easier to stay up. And there's less guilt in the morning, there's mostly "you deserve to feel this way you piece of shit"

So I guess it can be both. At least for me, they kind of work together.