Eagle3
Platinum Member
I've been out of work now for 4 months. I had to move back into my parents' house (super-trigger!), and have been trying to get help through a state job agency. I lost almost everything in a flood 5 months ago, and I'm right back at square one. My truck has no insurance and I have no gas money, so if I need to go anywhere, I have to ask to be driven (trigger!). No one ever wants to take me anywhere, so I sit in the house all day, playing online games and haunting the forums. My few friends text or FaceBook chat only occasionally. I've gone from a relatively social and active person living independently, to being right back where I started, dependent on the people who never helped me with any of my issues. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make any forward progress without everything being ripped away from me in the most painful ways possible. I can't work, I can't make friends, I can't enjoy any of the social activities normal people enjoy, and I can't even get out to take a break from a place that triggers every insecurity and helpless feeling I have, not to mention the PTSD! Oh, and to top it all off, my parents' house is infested with bedbugs, so there's no place to sit or stretch out. I sleep on a sleeping bag on the floor of my dad's office, and have to vacuum and spray regularly. My parents' have neglected my big dog, so I'm having to do some catch-up care on him, and now little dog is showing signs of unexplained itching due to environmental allergies...I hate this house!
My therapist has tried everything to keep me engaged in life, and I still live for therapy and Martial Arts classes (he teaches Ki-Aikido, its part of my therapy). Even with a new kata and instruction on my favorite weapon to practice, I just have nothing meaningful to do with my life any more. I feel totally useless. All my stuff is starting to break down, need maintenance or replacement, and I can't do any of it. Doesn't help that my parents' stuff is in the same shape....
After the state paid for an assessment, I've come to realize I may never find work. I have too many issues at this point in my life. I've applied for all kinds of help, and I can't seem to get it. I still act too normal I guess... even though I can't even get an interview for a job stocking groceries overnight! So, the only place I feel alive is the dojo, and I can never get there. I only leave the house 2-3x a week, and the rest of the time I'm in my room (dad's office), playing online games. Why exist? I have no purpose. I mean, I'm not gonna do anything stupid yet. Just starting to feel like there's no point in trying to be happy anymore, no point in trying to be productive. I can't do it. Even in the dojo, while I love that world, I still feel like the obnoxious little sister everyone tolerates. I dunno if they even want me there at all...ASD on top of PTSD just sucks....
My therapist has tried everything to keep me engaged in life, and I still live for therapy and Martial Arts classes (he teaches Ki-Aikido, its part of my therapy). Even with a new kata and instruction on my favorite weapon to practice, I just have nothing meaningful to do with my life any more. I feel totally useless. All my stuff is starting to break down, need maintenance or replacement, and I can't do any of it. Doesn't help that my parents' stuff is in the same shape....
After the state paid for an assessment, I've come to realize I may never find work. I have too many issues at this point in my life. I've applied for all kinds of help, and I can't seem to get it. I still act too normal I guess... even though I can't even get an interview for a job stocking groceries overnight! So, the only place I feel alive is the dojo, and I can never get there. I only leave the house 2-3x a week, and the rest of the time I'm in my room (dad's office), playing online games. Why exist? I have no purpose. I mean, I'm not gonna do anything stupid yet. Just starting to feel like there's no point in trying to be happy anymore, no point in trying to be productive. I can't do it. Even in the dojo, while I love that world, I still feel like the obnoxious little sister everyone tolerates. I dunno if they even want me there at all...ASD on top of PTSD just sucks....
