Small Steps

[Attheseams]

Hi All,

I havn't posted here in the last couple of weeks. But I do visit every day and read comments on my last thread from other members and they still help me feel I am not on my own and I am still so very grateful for all the kindness shown to me.

I have been reading the articles section and it has been a huge help in my understanding of why I feel as I do.

This forum is truly a lifeline.

I had my second session with my T,who is continuing to support me until my CBT can begin. So I decided to try and discuss my feelings with my wife before my visit .

I can't believe how difficult and anxious it was opening up to the woman I love, but it really was. And I am still worried that she may view me differently.

To my relief she was really supportive and understanding and had been watching me on a shopping trip and had seen how anxious I was and how I slipped into panicking mode, which perhaps made it easier for her to understand a little easier.

I had felt that maybe she prefers to overlook it all but I think that in my fight to keep my symptoms at bay and hidden from my children I had kept hidden from my wife also.

I know this is a very all step but to me a significant one,and hopefully something that can be built on,

After a pretty tough few weeks I still feel a mess inside and have continue to feel as confused, scared and alone as ever,

I have grown more fidgety and pacey, at times I feel so very angry inside, I am able to hide it but I am ashamed I feel like this.

I have and continue to become more withdrawn and isolated I think partly due to trying to keep this new side if me away from my family .

My nightmares and replays of my attack are still unwelcome visitors and j am still struggling to sleep. It is 03:45 in the UK as I am typing this.

My session was pretty tough but was really welcome and I was able up be open,she has certainly got me challenging how and why I am feeling certain aspects.

I cried today, which to me felt pretty crushing and out of control but I am trying to find and take any positives I can,

My homework is to try and be more open with my wife and to also try and stop myself withdrawing any further.

Sounds so simple but feels far from it.

How can it be so difficult to open up to my wife,I couldn't imagine crying in front of her. I would feel like I was letting her down.

But back to the title of this post.

Even though I am still really messed up and lost inside and have a long journey ahead of me.

I have opened the door wide enough for my wife and T to see inside,

Very small steps I know, but I think that at least they are in the right direction.

Thank you for reading

Craig

 

[jd9900]

I wouldn't consider any of what you said "small steps." Opening up to your wife, getting in touch with your feelings, and allowing your wife in to that place in your life that is so private to you these are amazing steps, ones you should take great pride in. Kudos to you!!

When I opened up to my wife about my PTSD I was petrified. It is still something both of us struggle with, but I can say that when I did open up to her (and it did involve tears) I felt like...I felt like Atlas finally getting to rest his shoulders. It was empowering, and was a major step on my journey.

Again, these things are huge!! Thanks for being willing to share, it really hit home because I feel like I was in the same boat about a year ago.

Take care, Craig, and keep up the awesome work. :)

 

[littlelostchild]

Good for you, Attheseams. Sometimes I feel like I make tiny steps, some bigger steps and sometimes it feels like I slide backwards. Many times I say it is like a yo-yo on an escalator - up and down, but slowly moving up and forward.

I have been married to my husband for 28 years and just in the past year, with the help of my psychiatrist, I have been opening up to him. I don't spend too much time thinking about that because it is actually rather sad - we have 2 lovely adult children, have spent 33 years together and are just beginning to cultivate a truly intimate relationship. Having PTSD makes it a real struggle for us to be open and vulnerable.

Be sure to tell your T about your difficulty sleeping. I know that if I don't get enough sleep over a period of time, it has a significant impact on my mood.

Be well

 

[arfie]

Even after 33 years of demonstrated commitment, I still find it agonizingly difficult to open up to the man I love. Am I being disloyal for feeling the way I do? Can he still love me if I show him the real me? Etc., etc., through all the unloved wounds and insecurities.

Keep stepping small, Craig. Sounds like your making solid progress.

 

[CVC]

Thank you for sharing your progress. Hearing about all these positive steps you're making is inspiring! Keep it up, and let us know how it goes as you work on being more open and vulnerable with your wife. As I'm finally learning too, it's pretty scary to be truly seen--but also pretty amazing, don't you think?

 

[Attheseams]

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words, they are a massive help to me right now. I have opened the door to my wife but as yet this is safe port where I can be totally open amongst friends who will support and offer advise but don't condem or judge me.

As you said JD9900 it is really scarey opening up to my wife and I still aren't confident enough to just open totally, but it is a huge weight lifted. It gives me great encouregment that you have been where I am now and have walked the same path,


The analogy of the escalator is spot on, it does feel as though even though you are taking the steps that you aren't moving forward, it really is a battle to keep going at times .I have made an appointment to speak to my GP in regards to my lack of sleep, so hopefully he can offer some help there.

As to whether my wife will still love and feel the same towards me now she has an insight into who I now am, was my biggest fear, I hope she can see that I am still the same man deep down and that it may help her understand that my low moods and short temper are not her and that they are me.

I tried to think how I would have felt if my wife couldn't speak and be honest and open with me and allow me to help her.
I would have been very saddened if she had felt that way and perhaps she would have felt just the same,

I hope that my journey will help or inspire others and it is so very kind of you to say so CVC, thank you.

Showing someone that after many years of been the strong one in any relationship is really tough, and letting them see that you are vulnerable is absolutely petrifying,
But at the same time is uplifting and amazing to let someone you share your life with really see you .

And maybe what greater sign or show of love than to really open up and let them in could there be. Just that first step is a big one and well outside of our comfort zone.

Maybe our comfort zones are more like enclosures that keep us in and restrict us.

Maybe it is a good thing to climb over that fence at times and in the long term will help us grow as human beings.

I was told recently that what we go through in our daily fight with this may help us to grow and evolve into better human beings with more empathy for our brothers and sisters.

Either way,it isn't easy to be open and vunereable but I feel it is the right way, well in my case anyway.

Thank you all again so much for your support and caring and sharing with me,it is reassuring to know that we travel this road together here and it is truly humbling to be amongst you all.

Craig

 

[littlelostchild]

Craig,

I had a huge breakdown a year and a half ago and I was a complete mess.

I will say that being open and vulnerable has really brought my husband and I closer together. He is in my therapy sessions with me, and that was initially terrifying. There was no hiding my abuse history or the impact that it has had on our relationship, and he has become my greatest supporter and coach. It was really hard work, I will admit that - before my breakdown, I was fiercely independent and never let anyone get truly close to me. I was afraid that people would see that I was a monster (and I still am fighting that misperception).

My husband now has a good understanding that my illness has an impact on how I perceive situations and that has been really helpful for him. He also knows how to recognize if I am not grounded, and how to ask questions to challenge my automatic thinking. We are approaching my recovery as a team. We have been working at this for about a year now and are hitting a stride.

Having your wife's support can be so powerful, so I encourage you to continue to share and strengthen your relationship. It is sometimes really hard, but totally worth it.

Be well

 

[Attheseams]

Thank you much for your kindness and support littlelostchild.

It is hard to lay your soul bare but I feel that as you say it will help us both work through this.

I have to say how you and your husband are working as a team is amazing.

You are both a real inspiration to me.

Many Thanks

Craig