So Angry

[sarahts]

Im learning to ''accept and feel'' my emotions reguarding my trauma in therapy. This week i have felt so angry at myself i just looked in the mirror and i see a disgusting , used , ugly , un - pure bitch who i loathe. I didnt used to be that person. I Feel like im poison. I feel like ripping my self to pieces and all this anger is because of what THEY did to me , but i cant hurt them , so im left with myself. ARGH! I Have therapy tomorrow , she wants me to bring my drawings i did this week, shes going to think im so f*cked up,

drawing number 1 : a body with its head blown off with the words ''i hate you body for betraying me''

drawing number 2: bloody handprint and comments they said to me in the trauma.

I feel like a big ugly mess. I just want to cry and scream.

 

[Nyx]

Im learning to ''accept and feel'' my emotions reguarding my trauma in therapy.

It seems you're not there yet, since you're still directing that anger at yourself. This does not mean you are accepting, you're only feeling.

I feel like ripping my self to pieces and all this anger is because of what THEY did to me , but i cant hurt them , so im left with myself.

Now you're getting closer... What they did to you. There's no need to hurt yourself and punish yourself for something others did. You can't hurt them now, it's true, but why hurt yourself?

drawing number 1 : a body with its head blown off with the words ''i hate you body for betraying me''

You were only one, they were more than one - this meaning you were outnumbered.
You are female, they were male - this meaning they have a lot more force than you.
They threatened you - this meaning your body had a response to that, a response that doesn't mean it wanted to betray you, it means it wanted to protect you.

I suggest to you the thread "It was not my fault", I think it would be a useful tool for you in this self-hate mode.

I feel like a big ugly mess. I just want to cry and scream.

No one is stopping you from crying or screaming. Let it out. But also do your best to understand why you are crying and screaming.

Hope tharapy goes well and helps ease your mind a bit. Take care of you :hug:

 

[sarahts]

thank you for your reply was very helpfull to me . :) sarah ,

 

[anthony]

Stop thinking to hard about what your therapist will or won't think, because you have no idea what they will or won't think of something you show them or tell them. Chances are, they have seen or heard it all before, unless they are new to the role.

Think of it like this... you are working on something you accept is a negative within yourself, so maybe you should give yourself a little credit in that department as well... not just negativity. Its easy to find fault with ourselves, others, anything... but a real skill to identify positive attributes over negative.