Sexual Assault So Difficult.

[Str3ngth]

I'm trying to write my story. I have never told ANYONE the whole story. I'm trying to write it to the best of my ability (and memory), mostly for myself but it will probably end up here, too.

This is extremely difficult. I'm already struggling with so many symptoms and insomnia and having nightmares every night for over a week straight. This may be making them worse but i'm not sure at this point. I have about 4 pages typed, single spaced in size 14 font. This is a few days in the making, I can only write so much before it gets unbearable. I know in my heart there is about 4 more pages of information left. I try to go in order of how things happened, but with my memory failing me it's hard to piece it together accurately. Trying to do this has opened my eyes to how much I actually blocked out.

I was just looking for some support I suppose. I know some of you have had the courage and bravery to post your story on here and I am curious to know where you got the strength. I was also thinking about sharing this with my T as not even she knows the whole story. Thoughts?

 

[Nyx]

I actually could do it because I dissociate a lot. I put my mind to finishing it and I did. After a break, I re-read it and filled in the gaps or tried to make some parts clearer. I still have the second story to write. I already have it on paper, but I want to put it on the computer. I think I'll do the same - allow dissociation and then come back to it. I know it's not okay and dissociation is something that I have to avoid, but sometimes it's just easier to deal with a lot of stuff.

Another thought I have on this is that the fastest you finish, the best for you. Every time you write it down you can expect fall-out. So pushing yourself to finish faster is actually a good thing, even though it can be overwhelming..

Sharing it with your T is a great idea. If you think you can't tell it to her or read it to her, just print it out and give the paper to her to read for herself. The more she knows the more she can help you.

Don't forget to take care of yourself after writing things down, because it can really mess you up. Stay strong! :hug:

 

[cherryblossom]

Well done for your progress so far. It's a great achievement to be able to write any of it down. I think you have the strength and determination to get to the end. My story took ages to write in the form that it is now, on this forum. My first effort skipped over many parts and talked more about how I felt now, than how I felt at the time. But it was a good enough starting place, and I published that version of my story on another survivors website. That was several years ago now.

Then last year I was struggling again, there were so many aspects of the rape that "my story" didn't cover. I prefered to try to forget them and deny those parts had happened. I was encouraged to 'break my silence', to stop having 'secrets' because they were eating away at me, along with a whole host of reasons why I blamed myself, and a whole lot of 'what if' thoughts. I resisted for a while, and couldn't see how it would help. But eventually I took up the challenge and re-wrote 'my story'. It took several days non stop, with lots of disociative episodes, loads of anxiety, occasional tears, and several sleepless nights. But I was proud of myself for being able to write it. I shared it with the person who had encouraged me to write it. I was told that the next step was to add emotions, not just the facts. To try to identify how I felt at different times of the assault and why. Again I put off doing it for several weeks, if not months. I thought it was too hard to revisit. But when I wasn't starting to feel any better, I again got down to writing, and added emotions to 'my story'.This has gone some way towards accpetance of the past. It has pretty much removed all aspects of self-blame, and I no longer think about the 'what if's'. I still feel ashamed and embarassed about what happened to me, but hopefully therapy will move me on from that.

The anxiety is still there when I read my story. When I started therapy in November, I gave my story to my T to read. I find it hard to talk about being raped (because of the shame and embarrassment and humiliation), so it was easier to let her read it. We then spent several sessions on different things, while we got to know each other and built up the basis of our therapeutic relationship. This week I started to read my story to her. It is the first time I've heard the words out loud, and the anxiety and panic were the worst I'd experienced during therapy. I only read about one and a half pages, out of four, because we ran out of time. I will get through the rest in the coming weeks. My aim is to be able to discuss it with her, openly and without reading it, and without such a high level of stress. I am determined to get to that point.

When we first started this site, one of the first things I did was to post my story. It wasn't something I even had to think about. I was encouraged to 'break the silence' and not to carry my 'secrets' alone in my head. I want to encourage other people to do the same. Also, I wanted to have a very active part in the forum. If I was going to be commenting on members threads, it was important to me that those members knew what I'd been through, and that I was speaking from my experience. I always felt like I had a dirty horrible secret. I had written my story specifically to break that secret, and it worked. Posting my story here was a logical step in that. I'm not saying anyone should go around shouting their story from the rooftops, but for me, posting my story here is a safe environment, where I have a certain degree of anonimity, and I'm sharing it with people who will understand, and won't judge me.

I hope this gives you the courage to keep writing. Whilst it's a horrible, painful process, it is worth it, in the end.