General So, Even Though...

[Angus McGee]

... I am being as loving and supportive as I can, and even taking up chores she would normally do, she isn't showing any signs of recognizing that fact.

She will say "Thank you", when she notices, but that's it.

Lately, she has stopped saying "I love you, too", when we're hanging up the phone, or one of us is out the door headed to work, etc.

My head tells me not to take these things personally, but my heart aches for that missing connection.

Someone tell me her actions / behavior is normal?

 

[amethist]

Her actions are normal Angus, sorry to say. Your heart will ache for a long while yet, I am sorry no one can give you a time line to how long it will take for her to show you even the smallest signs of love.

But please do not loose heart all together, this was how my husband was when he hit rock bottom, now it is a different story.

He will never be the man he was, but he is now showing more signs of who he can be. He is loving again, tells me he loves me, and shows me the best way he can. What more can I ask.

You have to have the patience of a Saint and the skin of a Rhino, remembering all the time this is not about you. This is how her trauma and now the PTSD is effecting her. There is always hope, that some of who she was will come back to you one day.

It is hard, it will still be hard. In the end it is up to you how much you can take, of living like this.

Taking good care of yourself, is the best advice we can offer just now. But it is good sound advice.

Amethist

 

[Angus McGee]

Did your husband tell you to let him go?

I do see glimpses of her the way she used to be from time to time. It's almost like she's fighting to get out.

 

[amethist]

He has suggested at times that I would be better off without him Angus, but not anymore.

We were married a few years before PTSD invaded our lives, we have fought this every step of the way together.

There have been some real rock bottom times for both of us. from talking him down from suicide a few times, to me even thinking about looking for someone else to share some intimate times with, but these was just thoughts and I never took it any further.

So dont feel guilty about thinking like this, I think most carers do the same at some stage.

She may well be fighting to get out, feeling trapped in her own mind, not knowing what to do to stop all that is going on. Not being able to understand why her head is spinning with all these thoughts of her trauma, like a heavy weight pressing down and crushing her very being.

ISH is the one to chat to about how this is effecting you, he is trying his best to keep going too. He struggles big style sometimes, and put all his efforts into his work, just to stay afloat.

No one will be able to tell you how long this darkness will last, or how fast the roller coaster will run at, but we can be here when you need to shout yell scream, or even cry. We have all done it, some come through the other side and keep going, some have to call it quits, through no fault of their own.

Amethist

 

[Angus McGee]

Well, I will never, ever ask her to leave. However, I won't block the door if that's what she wants. Just giving her the option to leave if she chooses seems to have helped her. One of the things she complained to our counsellor about was the fact that I was putting obstacles in her way. I have since removed those.

What I want, or would like to see has to take a back seat to what she needs to heal. Whatever that takes.

I've told her "Your health is the number 1 priority."

I think she is looking for an apartment, but can't find one she can afford. She told me last weekend, "As soon as I find one, I'm out of here."

That may have been out of frustration, however. Our 1yo. was very fussy, and wasn't going to sleep.

 

[Angus McGee]

We had a long, tearful talk this afternoon. She is still looking for apartments. She assured me that it wasn't about me, which helps. She also is worried that her treatment won't work, or that the person she is afterwards is unlovable. Her pessimism seems to be just another sign of her PTSD.

:sigh:

 

[Sunshine71]

I am sorry to read of your difficult times Angus and I hope it all works out.

PTSD has changed my husband so much and it is heart breaking. I continue to show as much love as possible - and sometimes I am reminded that I havent been doing that as much as I need too.

I feel that maybe its like being over drawn in the bank - we have to put more in before it even registers as a zero balance - I hope this makes sense!

All the best, A fellow partner of a PTSD sufferer.

 

[Angus McGee]

thanks, sunshine.

So sick of tears. There are songs that come up on the radio or wherever, and they bring tears every time. Even if it's going through my head, tears come.

One of the songs is a good song, but it's a painful reminder of what I need to do.

It's called "Keep Singing" by MercyMe.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I just listened to the song. It actually almost made ME cry, too!:eek:

I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I know that we as sufferers can unintentionally test all the good people in our lives and brings us so much guilt.

I hope you guys can somehow work things out. You seem a very kind hearted person and I am sure she is , too!!

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, OKRADLAK. I'm trying.

 

[complexmind]

My heart bleeds for you both Angus. My bride was bent on moving out for while and actually did for 2 days. While I was dying on the inside at the thought of it, I tried real hard to maintain a loving but firm 'poker face' on the outside. A wise friend told me not even not even knowing about PTSD at the time that anything that creates distance ....emotional or geographical is a bad thing in marriage. He advised that I maintain what I now know as a boundary that moving out would not be acceptable. When she did actually move out, completely by surprise I might add, she almost immediately became desperate to know that I still loved her and wanted her. Of course I told her I did but that I was also VERY angry over whst she had done because it was so sudden so secretive and she moved her AND the kids out too. Except for my things I basically came home to an empty house. Within hours she was in my arms begging me to forgive her, saying it was the worst decision of her life and asking to help move everything back in. It was a very difficult few days, but I think she needed to know there was infact a hard boundary and that she was still a treasure to me even when bad decisions are made. Looking back, good things came out of it.

 

[BigBear]

She also is worried that her treatment won't work, or that the person she is afterwards is unlovable.

From what I've seen (very little really) this is one of their biggest problems. They don't believe that they are lovable, that they can be lovable, or that they ever will be lovable. We have to keep building them up! Strangely that is the easy part for me. I could build Angel up for an eternity [and never get her up to the level that she should be at].

I don't like this thing about moving out... What can I say. My first wife abandoned me and it took 6 months for me to stop dieing. And crying. I guess that disqualifies me to even discuss the issue [obvious psychological trauma and all].

Bear