General So, Even Though...

[OKRADLAK]

You dear guys break my heart. So many of us sufferers look for support and cannot find it. Many of us do indeed feel very unlovable and I have to say that I have become that.

There may be a side of us that we never show you and so you think that we are lovable when maybe we feel we have passed on into a post human realm.

When In relationships I try very hard and it is exhausting to "can" the bad parts. It is not possible and when I have shown them to people they always say, "This is not you. I know it's not.

BUT IT IS ME NOW.So that was them saying, "MY god! I would not take this in anyone, but I know it's not really you."

Maybe the women who are needing space are in a place they cannot let you see. Maybe you WOULD be aghast. Many helpers have left after a while, several have cheated because I could not be intimate, two have hit me, one violently, out of frustration with my PTSD.

It is not a disorder to be taken lightly and can make a mockery of love, sanity, hope, and most anything else in the human realm.

Further, women are acutely aware that love can be so conditional. As Nietzsche said, "Women know this, the most exquisite ones: a bit fatter, a bit thinner – oh how much destiny lies in so little!"

Same with having food drip down your shirt. Or not being able to shower for a few weeks. Or letting trash pile up. Women may accept this in a man, but women are acutely aware that in any generation, men have been harder in terms of attractability.

PTSD can drive anyone to be something that is can alter their destiny and there is no point arguing that it is otherwise. When a woman succumbs, and her attractiveness is challenged, well, we all know how that ends up.

This is complicated and I am not saying that objectively anyone is unattractive. But this is a problem and always has been and for those who have to fight everyday, well, it can be too much to do that and still FEEL attractive.

But, still, your kindness toward your loves is very touching and I only hope they come around. Some make it!!!!

 

[amethist]

Hi OKRADLAK.

All sufferers are lovable in some way. Its just that the PTSD takes over so much of there very being, it is hard for the love to show.

Some do make it, fighting daily to keep their relationships and marriages together. It is tough going, I often wonder how my husband and I have got this far.

We are still together, maybe because we had a strong marriage before PTSD invaded our lives. It is not the same as it was before, but we are slowly building on what is left.

Amethist

 

[BigBear]

There may be a side of us that we never show you and so you think that we are lovable when maybe we feel we have passed on into a post human realm.

You, My Lady [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/members/okradlak.8693/"]OKRADLAK[/DLMURL], are lovable.

There is far too much good in you! That, I can see even over the internet. It's just a matter of the right person coming into your life. I believe that I will pray for that for you or your recognizing them.

Bear

 

[complexmind]

You know ladies, you all are treasures...every last one of you. No amount of pain and heartache can change that. Reality is that we are all treasures and we are all lovable. It is the sad state of our humanity that veils those qualities so completely. We are part of a world that cheapens and distorts and offers for sale to the highest bidder the very things that are the best and most perfect in us. The truth as I know it is this:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Notice that the 'love' here is not dependant on the one being loved but the one doing the loving.

"There is a rightness in us; a rightness that rescues, repairs, completes and gives credence to a created humanity. It is at once beautiful and terrible; ferocious and gentle; defined and infinite. It is engaged by its insatiable longing to love and completed in its capacity for forgiveness. Though it very nearly requires immense and indescribable pain, it will not nor cannot be defeated and will in one great and all-resolving place in existence make every wrong right."

 

[Nicolette]

In my marriage and entire time with Anthony I have known nothing of him other than PTSD. He is a much nicer person now than when I first met him in relation to the way he handles himself when suffering, more than normal, with PTSD. He has had the desire to improve and I want him to be the best person he can possibly be - without hurting me.

Hurting me is entwined with isolation, withdrawal and being unable to participate in life. At those times I feel alone and abandoned in our marriage. Thankfully decisions have been made over time and the PTSD tends to stay at bay more often than not.

I also do all I can to protect my husband from anything which may inflame his PTSD if I have control of such and encourage behaviors which assist keeping the monster at bay (currently dancing ie exercise and forced interaction with others in a fun environment).

Do I love him - yes. Does it hurt sometimes - yes but then there is the perspective that his random PTSD behavior is sometimes less defeating than being in an abusive relationship where the other person has no mental illness.

There are days I want to come home and to have the PTSD disappear.

I think we both want our marriage to work so we both do what we can to improve ourselves and the situation to manage it as best as possible. Some decisions we have made have not been easy and hurt but they cause less day to day heartache by making life less stressful; minimizing the PTSD.

 

[Nicolette]

It's called "Keep Singing" by MercyMe.

I added it to the Media Library for you [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/media/mercyme-keep-singing.324/[/DLMURL]

 

[OKRADLAK]

Bear and Complex, I just know it will work out with your ladies! You are special men who understand and want to help them so much it is palpable!

They know this. I guarantee they do and they will keep coming back. There are not many out there like you two, and they know that, too!

We want to hear your successes, too!:)

 

[Angus McGee]

Another long, hard talk tonight.

Lots of tears, but not from me this time.

The gist of the conversation was

"why don't you just let me go? You deserve someone else who makes you happy. I can guarantee the treatment won't make me into the person you want me to be."

"i will "let" you get your own place if it helps you get better. I appreciate your concern for my happiness, but let's get you through the treatment, and take it from there. You can't predict who you will be on the other side of this treatment. I am mentally prepared for whatever the outcome, whether it's you wanting a divorce, or you becoming the person I married 21 years ago. Just know that you have an ally. I will never desert or walk away from you. You've had far too many people in your life do that, and I'm not going to be one of them.

"The bottom line is that you cannot continue like this. You need to get better for yourself. Not for me, not for our children. For yourself. You are worth it. And you will have me there with you."

 

[complexmind]

Bless you my friend. There is nothing you could have said better. Take comfort ....albeit bittersweet at times...in knowing you have 'laid down your life for her'.....and that is the highest and best any man can offer. Well done! My heartfelt prayers are with you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Angus, I am sure if anything helps that will, because as has been alluded to when one is hopeless and unlovable and no options are 'good' or sufficient, well, there doesn't feel like many alternatives that are worthwhile pursuing.

I hope she will begin feeling more hopeful and able to understand and manage this and that you will both be able to draw closer, not perhaps the same relationship as before but even better.

 

[Angus McGee]

complexmind; My words were straight from the heart. In reading her body language, she just could not grasp or believe what I was saying. I was thinking about it this morning, and it seems I have a choice to make. Have her home, in her current state, or gone, with the hope of getting into therapy, and healing. It seems the choice is clear. From every thing I'm reading, her isolating herself is not what is best for her, but she seems quite adamant that that is what she wants to do.

Junebug; That is my hope too. I know she feels worthless, and hopeless in her current state of mind. I just need an end to this whole thing. If not an end, then I'd at least I'd like to see the goal post. In her current state, we don't have a marriage. Right now, we have two people living in the same house, taking care of two kids. That's about it.

 

[BigBear]

Angus,

Make sure that she knows that you are always available. Even beyond what she thinks is possible. That you are unreservedly available. I know that you think you have, but the mind, alone, turns in on its self in isolation and tells you things that you should know aren't true!

Mail her often, email her more often. She doesn't have to read these, but the fact that they keep rolling in will be meaningful. Call her as much as she thinks is appropriate and see her when she allows. Just try not to interfere with what she is doing. There truly is a need for space and silence but it isn't infinite.

Bear