So Frustrated With Ptsd Interfering With Studying

[externalsmile]

I really hate that my head is interfering with my college work. Because of the way things are with work I just can't get myself into a good of a place as I could be and it is impacting on my college work. I either can't concentrate because my mood is so low or so stressed that I can't do anything but pace around.

At the weekend I saw the stalkers name on something and I had intrusive memories for the entire day of incidents involving him being disgusting towards me. I hate that something so small like his name is enough to upset to the point where my whole day was taken up with all these thoughts and I couldn't do anything else. Eventually I just went to bed in the middle of the day to try sleep it out.

I'm so annoyed and frustrated with all of this because it is stopping me from giving it my all to my college work. I know I can do really really well but I can't because my mind is stuck on this.

It is just so frustrating, I finally start on the road to recovery from my childhood then this just turns everything crazy in my life again. I feel like I will never have the control and power I want over my life.

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi externalsmile,
You will have control over it but it will take time and you are gonna have some ups and some downs along the way.
Try and remember that its all about baby steps, and it sounds to me like you are making steps to becoming in control of your ptsd.

Hopefully some more members can give you good advise on finding ways of dealing with your triggers, so that they dont affect your studies so much.

Take care
LB

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you.

Even just having my little whinge on here seems to have helped me a little.

Really think I need to follow my own advice and get exercising to burn off some of the extra stress. I love giving that advice....pity I haven't been following it myself!

 

[lovinbiker]

Yes it is often easier to say something than to do it lol, I need to do some exercise myself :)
Well im gald your feeling better..
Good luck with the exercise
LB

 

[LEE29]

Dont have much advise but just wanna say I share your pain. Just back from the last of my accountancy exams myself and know how hard it is. You can sit looking at a page for so long and it just wont go in. Credit yourself for your efforts though and put it all in perspective cause the world wont end if we dont pass. And they can always be repeated.
Hardest part for me is accepting that I cant do what I used to. I used have a full-time job, study accountancy at night and have 3 small kids. This along with going through a nasty divorce and having PTSD brought me to melt-down. We have to be careful not to put too much pressure on ourselves.
Getting better has to be priority - anything else is a bonus so give yourself a big pat on the back for sticking it out and not giving up :)

 

[externalsmile]

Thanks.

I'm just fed up of other people's actions causing me problems for my recovery and it stopping me living my life the way I could live it. I know I could ace this course because it is finally something that actually challenges me but now I am landed looking at a page and unable to come out with the work that I know I am capable of doing. It is in my head, it is already there, it is just I can't get it out and onto the page in front of me.

 

[intothelight]

I feel like I will never have the control and power I want over my life.

I'm just fed up of other people's actions causing me problems for my recovery and it stopping me living my life the way I could live it.

Hi Externalsmile,

I am too in school write now working on my masters degree. I am looking at furthering my education as something I am doing, for myself, in spite of my abusers.

However, returning to school is different this time around, because of the PTSD. I notice the problems with my ability to concentrate and issues with short term memory. But my T encouraged me to continue as reading, studying, analyzing, and writing will help improve my cognitive ability.

Even though I do not believe that I am the caliber of the student that I once was, I am getting there. I just find that I have to work a little harder and it takes me a little longer to complete some tasks, than it did previously. But the ball is in my court, and I can move towards improvement or I can frustrated, short-circuit and give up.

If there is someone that is triggering you so bad that you cannot function, cut them out of your life completely. If it is memories, work hard in therapy to improve your ability to function. Don't let anyone take "your control and power", hold your ground, or if it gives a bit, take it back!

This whole journey is about becoming better, and no one ever guaranteed "the same". I just look at it as different.

Wishing you success.

Debbie

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you Debbie.

I guess my biggest problem right now is that person that is triggering me can't be cut out. I do my best to not have any dealings with this person but they are doing their absolute best to make my life as unbearably difficult as possible. Hopefully karma will look after the right people in the end.

I think I am nearly there with the assignment. Just one part being a bit sticky for me now. I think my self-esteem has gone so low now that I am convinced I am stupid and everyone is laughing at me and handing this assignment in and getting a bad grade is just going to prove that fact.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi externalsmile, I'm currently in the middle of doing a PhD. I began the journey of university study 7 years ago, and I've struggled with the PTSD every day of that. I took a year off at the end of my BA... I was a mess at that point with the PTSD (not due to study, but other personal stuff) and took that time out to see how much of the crap I could shift. Some of it shifted, enough for me to return to my studies.

Anyway, it's ok to have those days where your head takes over and you can't work. It's ok to find yourself at the computer at 2am, writing that assignment that's not due for three weeks simply because you're awake. I've found for me that having PTSD can be a bonus for study - I sleep less than most people so I have more hours in the day to study, I escape the shit in my head by burying my head into my work (I know it's a form of denial, but so long as you don't live there and become Cleopatra....), I am more cynical and critical about the world because of the things that have happened to me which makes me perfect for critical analysis in essays...

I find working to music helps me to shift the rubbish in my mind and clears it enough to get going on the work, and once I get going, because of the single-minded-focus ability of a person with PTSD, I'm able to work for hours at a time. In other words, take some of those PTSD things and re-construct them as positives for your studies. You have problems concentrating when the face of your abuser appears in your mind's eye? Don't try to ignore them... do your best to stare them down, and tell them that because of their interference in your life, you are going to do better and better. It's not an easy task, and most days, I do exactly what you did - I get tired, emotional, can't concentrate, and head off to bed to sleep it out - but some days staring them down actually works, and the more I do it, the more it works.

The other thing is, do you have a Disability Centre (or something like it) at your college? If so, go and see them and tell them you have PTSD and see what they can do for you. At my uni, the Disability Centre people are kind, welcoming, and will bend over backwards to help people get through the uni experience. Unfortunately, I was too 'proud' to go and see them on my own behalf, and after finding out what they do and can do, I regretted that decision...

As for feeling stupid... when I arrived at uni, I constantly felt that someone would come along, tap me on the shoulder and tell me I didn't belong there, to get back to the gutter where I belonged. I felt that every assignment I handed in was not good enough. I thought that no one would take me seriously. I thought that the best thing I could do after getting my BA was to go out and get a job that ended every interaction with 'do you want fries with that?'

I still feel some days that someone will come along and tap me on the shoulder and tell me I don't belong, but most of my assignments came back with 'High Distinction' written on them, I graduated with Distinction, and got into Honours... I thought my Honours dissertation was a load of rubbish, and I would not have handed it in at all, but my supervisor told me I had to because it was due... I got First Class Honours... and then the uni offered me a job as an academic if I came and did my PhD with them. Yes, I'm bragging, I'm very proud of myself... but more to the point, I want to say that just because you think you don't belong, or that your work is crap, or your self esteem is shot because some arsehole did something horrible to you, doesn't mean that you are actually a shitty person or a bad scholar. Hang in there... college might just be the thing that gets you into a new and better world.

Ok, now that I've written an essay this morning... (I wish I could write like this for my thesis), I hope you can see your way clear to continue your studies.

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you so much Jagged Angel. That is seriously all so relevant. I really need to use PTSD to my advantage. I do get in the one track mind when it comes to doing something. I collect a vast amount of literature before I even put pen to paper, my classmates usually have a jaw dropping moment when they see how much I have!

I am really lucky that I am nursing. My lecturers know what is going on in my life, three of them I've known 10 years since I started training and supported me through problems with my parents back in the day. If I need extra time for any of the assignments they said to just drop an email to them.

I had a really bad night Tuesday. In total I had 1 hours sleep. Absolutely exhausted now but that assignment has been submitted! Relief! My academic supervisor had a read of it and returned it with only 2 minor adjustments in it so I guess it isn't too bad then! I just need to chill for the evening then tomorrow start crapping about the next one!

I think I just need to concentrate on visualising myself in that black cap and Hogwarts style cap next year.

 

[Bartie]

Hi there, just came across this post.

I can completely empathise with what you are experiencing. When I was assaulted, I had plans to go back to uni and get another degree. Throughout my uni years, I had problems doing basic things like getting up and going to college (good thing they didnt have a register), and when I did manage to attend then I was faced with probs around concentration etc.

Initially, I kept everything quiet, didnt tell any of the Departments what was going on. I wouldnt recommend it. But later after year 2 of attempting to do first year again (I took the scenic route through college:)), I ended up telling my Departmental heads what exactly was going on. To sum it up, it took me 6 years to do a 3 year degree, I should have got kicked out after year 2. Eventually however, I finished and got top marks - which I have to say I was quite proud of. You could say it was sheer stubborness and persistence, but believe me, when you do reach your graduation day, you'll possibly feel so satisfied and rightly proud of yourself for what you achieved despite everything.

To this very day, I still say to myself, now imagine if I didnt have PTSD. I think in some way, my uni years, gave me some sense of normality over what was not normal, if that makes sense.

How I done it, during those years, I learned to pace myself quite literally....and timetables helped alot. I realised when I was not feeling well, mentally or physically, and I wasnt too hard on myself, if I couldnt do things to my usual high standard (I am a wee bit of a perfectionist). I became totally aware of my triggers. Some of my units involved role play (you'll get alot of those in nursing) and to do that in my new degree would have re-exposed me, but I worked with my doc's and the uni who allowed me not to take those particular modules. I also had continuous assessments, so what I done was done the best I could possibly do in written assignments and get higher marks, which then when it came to written exams took alot of the pressure off.

When I done written assignments I got numerous extensions, far too many to count, and then with my exams I spaced them out between the summer and autumn sittings. For my exams, I didnt do them in the main exam hall, I had special arrangements where I done them in a classroom with an invigilator. During the exams, I could go leave the exam room for a break (with the invigilator in tow) - go for a walk, get a coffee and de-stress if I needed to!

I have to say the uni were very accommodating - but it also helps if the Department knows something about PTSD, which they did in my instance.

When I done my Master's, I got another extension for my diss - and this time all the other Master's students benefited from the later submission date - there has to be some perks;).

What I would say, is completely trust your own judgement, and learn what your own limits are. When I was in third year, and doing my finals, I had serious problems with concentration, I just couldnt study. It was coming up to the time of doing my mock's and I wasnt getting much sleep either which added to my probs +++. Essentially, college was adding to my stress levels and I had ongoing physical problems as well. I realised that if I did go ahead and sit my finals, I was possibly going to have a nervous breakdown, and because I wasnt able to study I wasnt going to be able to come out with the marks that I knew that I had the potential to achieve.

The way I saw it, was that it would have been far more detrimental to my MH if I went ahead and sat my finals and got a low grade, so I made the hard decision to defer my finals and come back to repeat the whole year the following year. It was the hardest decision I ever made, I lost all my assignment marks, and tbh, college tought I completely flipped, but in the end, it worked out for me, I trusted my own judgement.

Hope it helps.

 

[externalsmile]

Thank you.

Luckily I only have one exam! All the rest is continuous assessment and the lecturers said they will give me extensions when I need them. In fact I already have had one but only asked for a few extra days because I didn't want it to run in to close to the exam. I have another extension organised for another assignment so it will mean everything is nicely spaced out.

Thankfully no role playing in the course! Everything we do is based on work experiences or projects.

I must say that I agree with college giving a sense of normality. In work everyone knows what I am going through but in college only 2 people in my class know what is going on. It is a break from work one day a week with no watching over my shoulder or being petrified to leave my office. I can totally relax, have fun, laugh and not be judged on what has happened.

I took a break from the studying today to just chill out, watch tv and have a lovely afternoon sleep on the sofa! Will start in on looking at stuff for the exam tomorrow.