So.... here i am

[steel]

fought to wake up this morning. got a message from an online guru that there are no worries with me not being able to scale the financial hurtle of their insanely expensive program.. and that they had two people waiting anyway (because… I am sure they were waiting on me)

You can’t bullshit an old marketing pro.

First business of the day was disabling my Facebook and instagram accounts.
Dealt with a depression last night that felt dangerously close to suicidal.
But there was something cathartic about the thought of cleaning out every damn thing I own, selling it and moving out for parts unknown until the money runs out.

Something very cathartic about throwing off all of this old shit that serves no purpose in my life.

I am here in a town I don’t need to be in. My parents both have other people they can rely on. My daughter and grandsons are well cared for. I have managed over this last four year period to disconnect from everyone except the one person I shouldn’t have connected with to begin with… and he is moving on with light speed.

The IRS will be catching up with me at some point.

I could take the rest of this money and have some amazing experiences until it all ran out, and I simply went asleep somewhere… in the comfort of a beautiful yurt or teepee.

I seems very preferable to the street-person existence that I have been fearing this ptsd has been gunning for over the past few years. This way, I get a choice about how far and how long I want to continue with this battle.

So… a lot to think about over these coming weeks as I clean out all of the hubris and get down to just me.

I think I’ll sit with the just me part for a little while. Maybe the universe will show up.

 

[Still Standing]

If you are running away, can I come? What you are doing is what rolls around in the pit of my head, too, only it is not an option. Not sure that simply walking off into the sunset, so to speak, is going to answer your real issues. It is immediately easier to isolate and numb one's self from the active world but the ensuing loneliness and emptiness can become a huge burden, too. No real easy answer, huh? I'd like a Knight in shining armor to come pluck me off this PTSD path, but, they take one look at this damsel in distress and just gallop by! :meh: Life's situations can be such bummers. Glad you didn't fall for the online scammers. And the IRS situation can be addressed by companies that can renegotiate your debt at a drastically reduced rate. Simply walking away from those who love you impacts them more than you will know. Your isolation might be fine, but it will also affect them. As my T is trying to drum this into my head, I will pass it on to you: You are wanted by someone as part of their life. The PTSD is telling you a lie in that you are not valuable, as a person. So, as you sit waiting for the universe to show up, :whistling: look for the pizza man, and enjoy a bit of earthly heaven in a slice pizza and a glass of wine. It is always easier to sooth with food when making a big life-changing decision! BTW, I admire your ability to rid yourself of stuff. Maybe once you have done this, the new beginning will be what you do need. But, make sure it is not running away, because the initial problem will still be there.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Holy Shit.... Have you been in my brain lately???? I DREAM, WISH and LONG to do exactly what you’re doing... Go Girl!!!!!

 

[steel]

If you are running away, can I come? What you are doing is what rolls around in the pit of my h...

I very well could be and am most likely am running away. But really, why not roll the dice, one more time...

 

[Tinyflame]

Because your parents, daughter and grandsons will think they weren't worth staying for.

 

[steel]

Junebug... thanks for making sense. You are right.

 

[jmad]

I hear you. My depression is always one or two steps from becoming suicidal. I am not a natural optimist, so I don't have ready made phrases of encouragement. All I can provide is my moment of panic. When I had sliced my wrist, and felt the real panic of dying, that the thoughts that maybe of could have made things better came to my mind. For now, I have the belief that it can get better. Honestly, like I said I am naturally pessimistic, it might come to that again; but I want to believe that another life is possible. Such a phrase has sustained many people and has launched many movements.