So, I Had This Flashback....

[Angelwings]

...last night, and it was quite a bad one. It kept looping, like a movie on the dvd player when you forget to turn it off and it just keeps playing the movie over and over....

Anyway, I had to call my therapist at 4:30 in the morning because I couldn't get it to stop. I had the ability to see my current bedroom off and on, and to make the phone call. Good news is that my therapist was able to help me ground myself and the flashback stopped and I was even able to fall back to sleep. Bad news is that the flashback was very painful and reminded me of how bad things used to be for me when it was real, and when I would have flashbacks every night and sometimes even throughout the day. Then, today I went to breakfast with my mom and my dad (my abuser), stupid, I know. My dad mentioned how my mom had a bad dream last night and that she was yelling in her sleep and it P*SSED me off beyond belief.

Because of him I had to go through that flashback last night, crying, snot running down my face, trying not to throw up, for more than an hour and here he is giving sympathy to my mother for having a bad dream. I wished that I could have said something right then. I am so mad. This may not even make sense but I am angrier than I have been in a long time.

Now, technically my mom doesn't know what happened. I really want to tell her and am having a hard time controlling myself after the whole medical records thing and now this flashback. My problem is that they are supporting me while I go to school, they pay my utilities, my gas for my car, my car insurance, and for some of my son's daycare. If I say something, I run the risk of losing the support that I really need. Any suggestions? Would you tell? Should I spill the beans and hope my mom leaves him?

 

[void]

OUCH!!:wall: that's a very tough dilemma! If you haven't already I suggest talking with your therapist about all aspects of this issue. Also, I suggest that you do not decide what to do while your angry. Many of us have struggle with confronting a parent or telling a parent that doesn't know what happened. I hope you'll keep us posted.:smile::smile:

 

[kers]

I'm sorry you had such a hard night. Your anger at your father is understandable.

I suggest discussing this with your T. It will help to discuss best case/worst case scenarios, as well as what you can realistically expect from both of your parents in response to your disclosure. Then you might feel more comfortable about the choice you are making.

 

[ga yankee]

Yes...discuss with your therapist as soon as you can. but this is what I would do...but please keep in mind all of this has made me an angry bitch toward my family---

soak him for every penny and try to avoid any time or conversations with him. someday you will be strong enough to deal with him and will have the means to not take their money. but right now take it for what it is....just money

 

[Angelwings]

My therapist said that she has been waiting for me to get angry. I guess this is some kind of breakthrough. I'm angry. I'm still angry, and how many days has it been?

I don't know about this anger stuff, I'm not sure where to put it. I am soooooooo mad that he did these things to me and I'm the only one paying the consequences for his actions. I don't get that. I want to tell my mom so badly. I won't tell her, because the shrink says no, but boy do I want to.

 

[trishok]

Your mother most likely knows at a deep down level and she is in denial. Her bad dream coinciding with yours might mean she is struggling with the denial.
My own mother "knew" but suppressed the knowledge about my stepfather molesting me, then my own children. I, as a mother "knew", confronted, then buried the knowledge about my stepfather molesting my own little children. It is apparently easy to blank out the knowledge and pretend everything is ok. Especially when the perpetrators always deny the accusations and you are left confused and wondering if indeed you are crazy and imagining things.

I agree with others here, talk to your therapist about the anger and be guided by that advice...
Trish

 

[onesie]

Why the heck would your therapist want you to keep it from your mother? So sad. I am angry at your father too. My ex step father did things to me too. I can relate. Plus, my dad didn't ever protect me from lurking monsters. I hope things get better for you. I also hope that your dad comes to you someday and apologizes. Stay strong. Sleep better tonight.