So I Think I've Been Disowned...

[Em C.]

Hi all!

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to write this but I feel so unemotional that I'm not sure if I feel nothing because I'm okay or because my body is unable to cope yet.

The story:

So my dad is an emotionally manipulative horrible violent person, but I still see him on occasion because of my two younger half sibs that need to have a positive figure in their lives. My step mom isn't always horrible but she can get up there with my dad.

My dad lives in a city about two hours away from me and my mom/step dad live about four. I went to my moms place to pick up my glasses (and to see my cat cuz I missed her haha) and I tried to figure out where I would be each day for thanksgiving. My paternal grandparents every year have dinner on Saturday but my dad didn't bother to tell me that this year it was on Sunday. I had to be back at my place today because my step dad has to work on Monday and I don't trust my dad to drive me home.

I was told my brother had a hockey game on Sat so I called up my dad and asked when it was. He freaked out that I wasn't staying the night/going to thanksgiving dinner. He said I was a horrible person, was screaming at me, said that everything I counter accused him of was wrong and my meds must be making me crazy. I have only really stood up to my dad seriously once before and I got trapped in a bathroom so me fighting back about this is new territory for me. I told him what he was saying was bs and that since he refuses to help me pay for my education or support me in any way, I have to do all of this work to sort myself.

So essentially my dad kept yelling at me until I decided to hang up in the hopes that he wouldn't get to the point where he lashes out and hurts my sibs.

Later my stepmom emailed me the deats about my brother's game so I had foolishly assumed that maybe this time she was on my side instead of his. At the game she was cordial to me and I spent most of my time with my sis and grandparents so that my grandparents wouldn't have to realize what had happened.

As I was leaving after the game, I had the following conversation with my step mother:

Me: See you soon!

Her: really?

Me: (cheerfully) I hope so! My two jobs make it kind of busy right now as well as my other commitments but hopefully I will be able to visit soon!

Her *putting her arm around me and giving the most horrible fake smile*: next time I see you I am sitting you down and we are having a long talk about how you need to come back to reality with your responsibilities and how you've been acting.

Me *as I walk out*: we shall see about that.

She said more really awful things about how problematic and hurtful/evil I am but I managed to repress it I guess amidst all of the confusion.

I haven't felt safe or comfortable at their house for about a decade so I don't care if they hate me (I lived my entire life just to be shot down and I'm finally okay enough to realize that I have to live my life not by their ever-changing standards) but I do care about how the family will function. The only reason I stuck around was for my sibs and now I'm not sure how I will be able to see them as it is certainly not safe for me to call them. Additionally, I love my grandparents a great deal and while they know of my dad's black rages they tend to still take his side. I'm worried that they will believe him and not me and thus I lose all contact with my family. My dad's two brothers love and trust me more than they do my dad but because my grandparents always hold the family events I'm kind of at a loss of where this will end up for me.

I'm so tired and while I don't feel particularly upset (partially because I finally stood up for myself) I feel... Not right. The conversations with my dad and step mom keep running through my head as if my brain is trying to tell me to react but the rest of me can't decide how.

Anyone have any thoughts/ideas/dealt with the same things?


Thanks!

 

[bell]

Erm, nothing about this says "disowned," it says, "misunderstanding." One blows over with time, one does not.

Therefore, I suggest you take care of yourself, don't wind yourself into a tizzy, and talk to them at a later date.

 

[Em C.]

You're totally right that it doesn't sound like I've been legally disowned, I should probably have phrased it as officially not safe to be around my dad without other people there. He's broken my moms ribs for a lot less than this and he's already been getting closer to that point with me. It's a bit concerning.

He already refuses to help me in any way so I've already pretty much been legally out of the picture but now I seem to morally be out of it :/

 

[Loveneverfails]

I don't mean to say anything unkind but from what you've described, would it be such a bad thing if they did? I've been disowned by the crueler members of my horribly dysfunctional and abusive family. At first it felt like my entire world had fallen apart, and then not too long after, I stopped hurting so bad and realized how much calmer I felt without them in my life. Sometimes being 'disowned'(it won't last, every abuser tries to lure their target back in) can be a good thing if you let it.

 

[littlelostchild]

Staying out of a toxic environment is a good thing. As for your sibs, can you provide support from afar through email or phone or Skype? I think you are better off away from the situation. I stay away from my mother as much as possible. The last time I had contact was 5 months ago. She behaves better when I see her so seldom.