Relationship So i was the one to be attacked on memorial day! the verbal abuse!

[anmun8]

I feel for both of you! I do believe he loves you and isn't himself in those moments, then realizes...

Thank you <3.... Yes he (finally!) got in the PTSD (IOP) Therapy (Group & Private sessions). Which hasn't been easy for him, but he was positive and would go everyday. He would talk to me about every session and what to do when these moments would come and how to manage situations. It was working and he would apply it in many cases before. But this day it all came back again (the verbal abuse and anger burst towards me or any other family member).

Thank you once again for your words. Hugs!

 

[Friday]

Than two hours later the text... "I'm sorry for what happened! I didn't mean that and you know it! I know you love and treat your daughter, and are a great mother! I just cant control myself and If you cant accept that, than I understand! I accept who I am and this will never change. No one wants to be with a sick person like me!! And I get it if you are tired!!".... I haven't answered. This is new for me. So I have to tolerate the verbal abusive? It gives him the right to talk to me like that? ALL THE TIME??

Clearly, I don't know the man, but for myself I would read this straight, instead of reading into it. Understanding that you're tired, and understanding that his outbursts may be too much for you... Is different from you have to tolerate them, and he has the right to make them, without any consequence. In fact, it's the opposite.

 

[LuckiLee]

For sure, I did hear him say before the blow-up: "I wonder how (Fallen Vet's parents) are feeling today...

Omg. Yes. All the time.
It's so crazy sometimes. That usually comes at the end of his tirade. Blah blah blah.... Why are you ignoring me?? You don't respect me! Look at me when I'm talking to you!
Yeah. That's what I want to do is give you attention after you tore me a new asshole.

I look at it like this... He holds it together at work and with friends and family. That's huge!! So I feel that myself and our home is his refuge. He should be able to "be himself" when he needs to. I'm not condoning the verbal abuse (we're working on it) but I understand it.

I think those times he says I'm ignoring him he just wants me to be there. Not necessarily to speak to him just to be in the same room.

Some days I think I have this mastered then in a split second I haven't a clue. I can see the break down coming and I'm sure he can feel it coming too but what do we do about it???? What do therapists tell them to do in these situations? I'm pretty sure the don't tell them to say and do whatever the hell you want!!

So glad you're all here. This place is awesome!!

 

[anmun8]

I think those times he says I'm ignoring him he just wants me to be there. Not necessarily to speak to him just to be in the same room.

Yes I completly agree with you in this. They don't know how to just say "I need you here for me in this moment" its sadly there way. My Vet has even told me its the only way he can express it. After being a strong, nothing at all weak person and now since he is he in our world where no bullet or tali is trying to kill him or another, he could never show me how vulnerable, weak or lost he is feeling or that he needs me.

Thank you for sharing!! Thank GOD for people like you and in this website who can relate and understand why this is so hard.

 

[Deanna]

Well, what I see is al= little bit different. I kind of find it hard to believe that he stood in the doorway saying "Yes, sir", when he didn't even know if the store owner was military. In other words, he had no one to honor for memorial day..

I see him as unmedicated.

 

[Deanna]

But make no bones about it, if someone threw that kind of fit with me, I'd simply show them the door. For number one, yelling and hollering is a waste of time. Further more as a stranger,I would have seen what I wrote in the first post, right away.

I take medication. I've also had PTSD for at lest 40+ years, and I just got diagnosed about 3 months ago... So, I know how to mask it pretty well but I can get loud/ and thats not a kind of stress from going to the mall.

 

[Deanna]

I should say, I can get loud without medication. With medication, I'm calm.

 

[Libratarian]

Damn the verbal abuse!!!
(Sorry for my expression!)

I'm just so mad right now and so full of hate!! He...

I feel you! Same kind of thing just happened to me... but I'm in a long-distance relationship with mine. We were going to spend the summer together then try to move in together... but I guess we're going too fast, it's too much change all at once, brings up so many different triggers for him. We were waiting for June 1st for him to get money and get his passport, do business to start moving towards... that night when I called he was just negative... "I hate texts, I hate talking on the phone..." I laughed it off. The next night, i was feeling vulnerable, wrapping stuff up here, felt disconnected, just wanted a little connection before bed... got the same thing, but more anger in the voice... "I hate texts, I hate talking on the phone..." and I thought, "Am I just going to take sitting in this negativity? So it ended in being hung up on, then him labelling me all sorts of nasty names, then kyboshing all our plans. I was so hurt, the next day I defended myself rationally but then also got emotional, because I was hurt... which brought back worse abuse, to the point of insanity... so... wow. Makes me realize we're not ready to move in together, because I don't want to spend half my life recovering from secondary trauma I get from his trauma... yet I love him so much, don't want to give on up on the relationship. I think he is not being cared for well enough by the VA... I think he has to spend too much on counselling and meds... he is lonely, yet can't sustain relationships... his kids don't talk to him, and he doesn't see he has played any part in that, only blames them... I have started communicating with him how it must have felt to be his daughter, to receive such wonderful love, be daddy's girl, then be verbally abused... how terribly debilitating, and how he must apologize for that without it taking him down, forgive himself.. anyways... yes, it's so hard, and I don't know what the answer is. I would like to hear how it resolved for you... have sent more healing, calm texts this morning myself, and waiting to reconnect... I'm thinking just a simple trip, slow it down, feel it out, create stability, take things slow.. but really, I'm kind of scared to open up to him at this point, and that is a first... sad. Blessings and healing to you. <3