Relationship So, Is This Isolating? Question About Drinking

[Never_falter2]

Yesterday my guy came back from work late in the evening and did eggy breads for the children which is extra nice isn't it? Then he told the older ones a story while I was with the twins and I expected him to come talk to me once he was done but he did not. He did nothing especially vicious, just was drawing something.

I was disappointed, you know. We have so little time together but he seems not really interested in me.

There is another thing which I have noticed lately but not yesterday. I don't know if it is a problem because he is not one medication but sometimes when he is drawing something or watching tv he drinks alone. Never much, just like a can of beer or a cocktail and never more than twice or sometimes three times a week. My father gave me the advice to drink with him so he does not feel alone. I did a while ago but it did not make him drink less. I guess it is silly to complain because he does not really drink much, is it?

 

[Friday]

Doesn't sound like complaining. Sounds like you're lonely, and miss him.

 

[Never_falter2]

Yes, that's right, but other people have it worse.

Do you think he drinks too much. I am not sure because I am a person who is quick to label everybody a drunk.

 

[boodle]

Yes, that's right, but other people have it worse.

Do you think he drinks too much. I am not sure...

@Never_falter I don't think it is too much to drink at current levels. My ex drank a bottle of wine and several beers EVERY night.

It does sound like he is dealing with some internal stuff. Its good that he's using drawing as that is also a way of getting a bit of head space. It depends on how your communication with each other is whether he is able to express if he just needs a bit of space for a while or if you feel able to ask.

I agree with @Friday you're feeling lonely and miss him.

 

[Friday]

Do you think he drinks too much. I am not sure because I am a person who is quick to label everybody a drunk.

From a distance? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds very very moderate. A glass of wine a day is often recommended for cardiac health. He's not even at that level, yet. 1-2 drinks 2-3 times a week is solidly in the "healthy" range.

From a PTSD standpoint, it also sounds like a good thing. A few times a week he's taking some time alone to relax & blow off stress, and it's a fairly healthy outlet; a beer or cocktail & some drawing. My only concern would be if that's the only method he's using, because when stress kicks up, it has the potential to be leaned on too hard. But the concern is not that it should stop, nor be replaced, but that other methods would be smart to add. So that when stress comes, he has several options to use.

From a relationship standpoint, though, it seems like a problem. I would very strongly suggest a win/win solution. Right now you have 1 happy person & 1 unhappy person (1 person getting what they need/want, and 1 person not getting what they need/want). The most common "solution" to these problems just creates more problems. Aka take away what the 1 happy person has, so now there are 2 unhappy people, or 1 happy & 1 unhappy (just in reverse). I know on paper it doesn't make much sense. But it's still most people's initial reaction.

An example of a win/win solution would be ADDING stuff, so that you're happy, too... Rather than taking stuff away. Whether that's adding a date-night for you two to be together, or adding "when he starts drawing I'm going to go meet up with Katya/ go shopping/ go to the gym/ have a bubble bath/ etc." Aka something special for you to do, so that you can look forward to his isolating, instead of being distressed/disappointed when he starts isolating. Or both :) Some extra time together AND some feel-good things for you to look forward to.

 

[Rumors]

Could you try saying something endearing like, "hey, I really miss "us" time together. I know when you get home you do a lot to help around here and I appreciate it so much. I also know you need "you" time, but I was wondering if we could spend some time together this weekend just the two of us?"
You sound enamored by your partner and it is sweet that you really want to spend time with him. Being lonely isn't fun, however try and remember this isn't about you being lonely but about the two of you being together. I imagine he will absolutely love the fact you appreciate his efforts at home and want to be with him. Good luck!

 

[boodle]

Could you try saying something endearing like, "hey, I really miss "us" time together.

I suppose that depends on where he is at stress wise. My ex responded negatively when I said I missed us time. I think she saw it as pressure and isolated further. In fairness though, the isolation that @Never_falter is witnessing doesn't appear as deep from what she says. It could well work but from my experience, be mindful the answer may not come or may not come in a way that is expected.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe you can take the lead and initiate some couple time. Sometimes people need a "hint". Do a date night... get a sitter or send the kids to grandma's for the night and go out, just you and him. OR if he doesn't like going out, make him a romantic dinner and have a date at home.

Maybe it will inspire some more couple time.