Relationship So It's Not About Us?!

[Nicolette]

The many times I have heard those words "it's not about you" echo through my mind while trying not to absorb the hurt and isolation of PTSD.

From a Sufferer's point of view I get that "it's not about us - intentionally" but the reality is it "does affect us" so it does include us. Does that make it about us - IMHO yes it does.

How to bridge this gap?

I sit on both sides and still don't know how to do it. I understand the facts, have read the literature and the posts to have a good basic understanding yet when in the middle of it all that all goes out the window.

It would be easier if your head and all matter of logic, facts and reasoning could talk to our emotions and heart and put it gently into perspective so we skip along our merry way not feeling the side effects of our Sufferers pain.

In years gone by, with issues, I have heard the saying "build a bridge and get over it". With PTSD I just wish there was a less painful way of processing what a Sufferer goes through and not taking it personally. I think the only people capable of not taking it personally really don't give a sh*t about their relationship with the Sufferer or don't have a heart.

How many hearts must this illness break? How many relationships will it continue to destroy?

And..... if "It's not about us" why do we suffer so much angst and come here desperate for support, answers and then a way to process a rational fact to an aching heart?:confused:

 

[Kintsugi]

Hm. I do not know what all or any other sufferers mean but myself when I say, "It's not about you," I mean that what I am being affected by and what is going on with me in terms of my behaviors and struggle is unrelated to what is going on with my partner. I feel like a common trend, and one that I experience, is that sufferers sometimes have a bad habit of projecting things onto those who are close to them or otherwise allowing their own issues to negatively affect their relationships through uncharacteristic and undesirable behaviors and words. I would assume that in these times, it would be easy for one's partner to think, "What did I do?" and in any case, given the constant guilt I have with myself, that is certainly what I would think if I were being treated or affected similarly by my partner's present and possibly puzzling needs. So, the refrain, "It's not about you" is to me a gesture that says, "Please don't think you've done anything to bring this upon us."

When saying "It's not about us," it could be a similar case. I also imagine that it could be something else, though. How do I put this. The affects of PTSD and trauma are present, immediate, ongoing. They affect us. They influence how we handle things. And that affects those around us. The effects of trauma are... affecting :D . And so, I think that part belongs in the "us" category, because it affects both partners, and it is something that both of them need to live with, regardless of the very different capacities of "living with it."

But the root cause of all of those effects are in trauma, and I think that trauma is necessarily personal. No one can experience your trauma, even if the exact same thing happened to them or they were actually there and also traumatized. I don't believe that trauma can ever be the same for any two people entirely, and so that trauma is individually that person's trauma. It's possible to try and understand, but in the end, there is only so far you can go in understanding. And I think I am finding that expecting anyone else to be able to own your trauma in any way is just asking to be set back in your personal journey to understand and know and move past your trauma onto recovery as you know it.

That is my experience.

 

[Nicolette]

You make some good points MissAntiSunshine and thank you for sharing your experience.

And I think I am finding that expecting anyone else to be able to own your trauma in any way is just asking to be set back in your personal journey to understand and know and move past your trauma onto recovery as you know it.

I agree with you on this point however there needs to be knowledge of PTSD on both parts in order to deal with this if you want to be in a relationship. I guess that is why some Sufferers stay single.

Getting told "It's not about you" usually occurs when a Sufferer is suffering worse than normal, the partner is hurt by the symptoms and tries to make contact because they feel hurt and pushed away. That's what I mean by "It is about Us too" as we get pushed away and normally the only logical and emotional reason for that is you are not wanted around.

I am struggling to verbalize what I want to say so I will use an analogy. Being told "It's not about you" when dealing with a Sufferer to me is like being told it is hot outside when you have just been out in the freezing cold.

Maybe I am just hurting right now?! Trying to comprehend this evil illness.

 

[Kintsugi]

Being told "It's not about you" when dealing with a Sufferer to me is like being told it is hot outside when you have just been out in the freezing cold.

The intended meaning I see is being told, "You didn't make it snow," when you have just been totally frozen out by the blizzard that is PTSD. :D

 

[Reclusive]

It's a little hard for me to relate this one, because both myself and my fiance react really badly to this phrase. We both take it to mean "Quit being so self-centered." After many years, we've both eliminated the phrase from our speech patterns and we're happier for it. When we hurt the other person accidentally, we own up to it. "I'm sorry, I'm having a down day," or "I'm sorry, I'm feeling cranky and probably need a nap." I think this is part of owning your PTSD and it opens communication up. In effect, we're saying "You did nothing to cause my current behavior, but I realize that it's affecting you and I'm sorry for that." It then allows the other of us to say, "Well, can I do anything to help make it better?" which is what carers, at least in my case, really want to be able to do. If the answer is 'no', leave them to it, but sometimes the answer is 'yes.'

Hope that makes sense!

 

[Nicolette]

Excellently said Reclusive and I like communication changes implemented. It really makes a different hearing "I'm having a down day" rather than "It's not about you".

 

[Srain]

Exactly Reclusive, this is difficult for me to do but as I practice it I'm finding that I'm learning to better ID what is happening and grounding myself quicker, in the end our communication is getting a wee bit better each weekend...yeah! hopeful...

Rain