I'm not even really sure what this site is and whether is can provide any kind of refuge for me at the moment. I feel like I am clutching to my final straws and like I am losing my mind - do I even qualify for this kind of thing? I feel like a total fraud and totally paranoid that what I write here will somehow make it back to people, so I am going to try to keep things relatively vague.
I left a relationship well over a year ago. It was a toxic, unhealthy relationship that I was in for four years. This person was in the army, was badly injured and suffered from PTSD. He was angry, abusive, heavily drug and alcohol dependant, and I forgave him for everything he did, because of his PTSD and army background. He was a serial cheat, really wasn't nice to me and although I couldn't see it at the time, made me paranoid, miserable and a horrible version of the person I know I can be.
I had a very difficult time leaving him as he refused to let me leave. He would follow me to and from work, wait outside my house, and bombard me with messages and emails, sending flowers, voicemails crying and threatening to kill himself etc. All things which previously I had succumb to. I am very lucky that two of my senior male colleagues noticed something wasn't right with me (and they noticed the car outside work every night!) and helped me to take the necessary steps to ensure that I could leave the relationship. I owe them so much. This scenario went on for nearly 12 months. I have a good, well paid, highly respected occupation which is full time and luckily colleagues who understand, as my work took a significant dip during this time. Since leaving I have bought my first house and I'm doing much better at work. All of a sudden this individual has got a new relationship and stopped contact with me altogether. At first, I have no idea why, but this tore me apart that he had someone new. I am so ashamed to admit that but I have no idea why. However, now that I have been without any contact from him for nearly 4 months, I can see that the whole situation was toxic and I am so much better off now.
However I have found myself feeling so strange. I have had what I think are panic attacks twice at my work, my hands and feet go numb and my vision goes tunnelled and I can't catch my breath. I have managed to take myself away and given myself an hour and I've calmed down. I'm jittery, can't keep still, and find myself unable to concentrate, quite often someone says my name two or three times before I recognise they are talking to me.
When I was with my partner, about 4/5 times a week he would scream in his sleep and I would have to shake him awake and hold him until he stopped shaking and calmed down - he was dreaming of his time in the army and the things he saw. He received treatment for this a year or so before we were together but then he would refuse to address it, bypassing it all by going out for days at a time drinking. However, now I have found myself gasping and crying myself awake during the night, dreaming about the times that he would wake at night?
I don't understand why I'm not okay now, and I feel like I am being a total fraud - have I picked up on his traits of PTSD and trying to pass it off as my own? I feel so guilty but every day I wonder how much longer I can do this for. I'm terrified of going to my GP - I wouldn't know where to begin.
I left a relationship well over a year ago. It was a toxic, unhealthy relationship that I was in for four years. This person was in the army, was badly injured and suffered from PTSD. He was angry, abusive, heavily drug and alcohol dependant, and I forgave him for everything he did, because of his PTSD and army background. He was a serial cheat, really wasn't nice to me and although I couldn't see it at the time, made me paranoid, miserable and a horrible version of the person I know I can be.
I had a very difficult time leaving him as he refused to let me leave. He would follow me to and from work, wait outside my house, and bombard me with messages and emails, sending flowers, voicemails crying and threatening to kill himself etc. All things which previously I had succumb to. I am very lucky that two of my senior male colleagues noticed something wasn't right with me (and they noticed the car outside work every night!) and helped me to take the necessary steps to ensure that I could leave the relationship. I owe them so much. This scenario went on for nearly 12 months. I have a good, well paid, highly respected occupation which is full time and luckily colleagues who understand, as my work took a significant dip during this time. Since leaving I have bought my first house and I'm doing much better at work. All of a sudden this individual has got a new relationship and stopped contact with me altogether. At first, I have no idea why, but this tore me apart that he had someone new. I am so ashamed to admit that but I have no idea why. However, now that I have been without any contact from him for nearly 4 months, I can see that the whole situation was toxic and I am so much better off now.
However I have found myself feeling so strange. I have had what I think are panic attacks twice at my work, my hands and feet go numb and my vision goes tunnelled and I can't catch my breath. I have managed to take myself away and given myself an hour and I've calmed down. I'm jittery, can't keep still, and find myself unable to concentrate, quite often someone says my name two or three times before I recognise they are talking to me.
When I was with my partner, about 4/5 times a week he would scream in his sleep and I would have to shake him awake and hold him until he stopped shaking and calmed down - he was dreaming of his time in the army and the things he saw. He received treatment for this a year or so before we were together but then he would refuse to address it, bypassing it all by going out for days at a time drinking. However, now I have found myself gasping and crying myself awake during the night, dreaming about the times that he would wake at night?
I don't understand why I'm not okay now, and I feel like I am being a total fraud - have I picked up on his traits of PTSD and trying to pass it off as my own? I feel so guilty but every day I wonder how much longer I can do this for. I'm terrified of going to my GP - I wouldn't know where to begin.
