Sufferer So Much Rage :(

[Candace]

I'm brand new to this forum so I'll explain my situation better first. I was physically abused as a child by my dad who had untreated bipolar, he denies he ever hit me as he would drink to mask his bipolar discomfort and black out. The beatings were on a regular basis, whenever he drank. I also had to protect my brother from it (mom worked evenings) and my dad would get drunk, flip out, usually attack me and then pass out. All the while my little brother was running around in diapers by himself with my dad passed out on the couch, so I of course took care of him. He would then want to take my approx 2 year old brother with him in the car to pick my mom up after drinking. I would fight him on it & cause another physical altercation, trying to protect my brother. One day when I had witnesses, after a beating I called 911 and he was arrested and removed from the home for several months. It was in this time he was diagnosed with Bipolar and is a completely different person now, who I love very much.

The problem is, I just haven't been the same since those events, they went on for many years and I can pinpoint grade 8 as being the year that my personality changed and I didn't feel like myself anymore.
Recently (maybe due to stress) I've been having these insane anger outbursts for no reason. I can flip out at the drop of a hat, and I don't know why. I yell and scream, and say TERRIBLE things, absolutely awful things that I would never otherwise say, its like verbal diarrhea. I'm inflicting a lot of pain on my hubby, I don't think hes going to stick around much longer and put up with my outbursts. All the same, the anger that I feel inside is overwhelming. It feels like electricity coursing thru me and I have to release it somehow, then after I feel SO much guilt and depression that I want to kill myself because I feel like I'm not going to get better so why stick around and ruin my hubby and daughters lives. I don't want to lose my family or my life, I am seeing a psychiatrist and waiting on a psychology appointment. However, in the meantime, is there anybody on here who is having/had a similar experience and can offer some coping techniques so I don't flip out like a monster every day? I know my dads yelling contributed to my PTSD, I will be absolutely devastated if I cause that in my daughter, please help I dont know where else to turn :(

 

[Srain]

I didn't vote because mine are now less than monthly... yeah!

First welcome to the Forum. I'm glad that you are seeking help and getting added support here. I can certainly relate to the rages and getting help for them extremely important because there is help. It's not uncommon for those who have come from a background like yours to suddenly find themselves unable to manage stress in ways we otherwise might have.

I am learning to watch for what stresses me and most importantly what triggers me (there are certain patterns) in order to utilize calming methods. Some suggestion.

The first being - turn around and walk away until I'm calm.
Apologizing can't replace brutal words so remembering it's best to say nothing or saving it for a period of time and then seeing if that is still what I want to say may be a better approach.
Calling someone for support or feedback.

On this Forum there are many wise and wonderful techniques. There are a list of recommended books for you or your spouse that make for helpful reading.

You are not alone in this. There is help. I have come a long way with this in both my understanding and therapy.

 

[Anna]

Same as Srain. I have managed to get my emotions under control. It is hard at first, but well worth it in the end.

 

[anthony]

Moved thread and removed poll.

Welcome to the forum Candace...

 

[maddog]

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum Candace, and to say that your post hit too close to home for me.

I am battling very badly with this issue right now too. Most of my outbursts are in public, at strangers who trigger me, at things that threaten and terify me, and the overwhelming electrical explosion feeling is just as you describe.
And so is the aftermath of feelings and urges...

I live alone and have no spouse or family, but if I did I am sure they would feel the brunt of it too.

It's very, very hard to talk about, I admire your courage in coming here to seek the wisdom of others.

I'm afraidI don't have a lot of advice that would be anything other than 2nd hand platitudes right now. I so far haven't found an effective antedote, and need to find one, quickly.

I know that being aware and proactive with triggers wherever possible helps. I know that focusing on controlling my breathing and physiological responses and arousal helps. I know that ceasing all movement and action and being very still helps on the rare occasion when I can make this happen.

And I know that talking about it to a trusted someone, like a therapist, or here, is a good thing.

I know others have coped with and conquered this. I hope that I, and you, can find courage in that too.

Maddog

 

[Abrasky]

I have rages. My trauma froma violent father attacking me when I was 19 for working and studying and having friends. My personality changed when I was 21, except to block it out I just dissacotiated.

I started to feel the anger around the 10th year of therapy.I would literally just change personality.I would get angry and the only way to stop the process was to be still and not do anything.

I have PTSD with very strong dissacotiation that causes me to go into 'moods' which do not feel like me. These moods are fragments of my trauma, that keep coming back from my long term memory. It devestated me to that i have this. I also have a family. I have managed to keep it in only because my real self is quite strong.

The only way I have found to deal the rages is to have someone to call and have a safe room where I can hit pillows. When I do nothing, it also brings out my gentle real personality. As when I was 5 my kindergarten teacher told me I didn't have to do anything when I stayed at her house. She is where I got my gentle side from. The therapy I am getting now should get rid of the rages(according to my psychologist) so keeping on going with therapy (2 years)is also what I do.

Also my psychologist identified a trigger which is frustration. And when I use that it helps.

Welcome.