So Much Unbearable Pain. Why Us???????????

[Wagon]

I've started CBT and I can say it is doing me good. And it is no cake walk in the beginning. Probably not in the end either. I've had a few good cries already doing the recall portion. I have blocked allot out of my experiences over the years. Even though it was a major event in my life, I somehow forgot or blocked portions of it.

We all have our own warts... so the saying goes. None of it is fun.

But as Tex says. We're here to listen because we all got the same shit. Hang in there brother. It does get better.

Wagon out

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Thank you very much Willis. I really appreciate it. The thing that is most frightening is that I am 100% sure that it won't go away. I believe that I will be on my deathbed with these flashbacks. A wasted broken life. The thing that is interesting to me is that it never goes away. There isn't even a moment in the day where I feel peace. I'm not joking. Not even a moment. Not at work (thank God I am able to keep one finally), not at dinner with family, not with friends, not even for a split second. It is always always on my mind. Mind numbing, brutal pain. It tore apart my family. My dad cries all the time. He says that all day he thinks about me and he cries. I said, all day? He says, sometimes when I'm working I don't think about it.

Thanks Wagon. I am doing EMDR now. I hope it does something. I have no hope.

 

[Wagon]

We are all different......Or as someone said. We all have our own warts. I'm no expert, but posting in other areas here can help get some of those things out there. And getting things out IF you feel comfortable enough to do it can help.

I used to have a very glossy compact picture of the year in my life that pretty much f*cked me up. It was a story I told if it really came down to it and I had to relay my experiences. Life is full of interrogators. Sometimes you can't stare that shit down. You have to say something. So we gloss it and have our standard stories.

I'm still shy about some of my experiences. AND I am NOT belittling anything you have gone through or saying that you must do anything. I'm just the same as you brother.

But taking a look at other places on this site can help you feel more comfortable, and if you feel like posting... That's great. Because I guarantee someone here has been through the same shit or worse and can completely relate to you.

Be Good
Take Care
Peace
Wagon

 

[willis williams]

LK1, this may sound rude but when you are working on getting a little piece and happyness you can't worry about anyone else. When I ended up in the hospital for five weeks I was suicidal and hell bet one just wanting it to quit. I focus on me and the outside just went away for a bit and that is when I first made some progress. I don't know if you have read some of the post about fake it till you make it emotions. You should do a little of this for your father then if he is not so upset that is one less burden to carry. If your in treatment know it would be a good time because he will think it sencere. I did this with my mother and it worked for a long time so I didn't have to put up with mommy trying to fix her baby shit. It sound as if there is some part of this one experience that you you can't come to terms with. I personaly had a type of survivor guilt brought out resently in therapy. I felt because the president made me come home that not enough revenge was taken on the somalians for the guys that went home dead and wounded I did not think this was survivor guilt but I was corrected by my therapist. It's funny your trauma seem to the out side eye as that one very focused incedent and with all the science, doctors, and drugs they can't fix that one memory. What the hell are we paying taxes for. I keep waiting for them to bring out one of those shockers for in the brain like they have for stroke patience or parkinsons that will just shut it off. They can see the areas in a brain scan they stay dark blue in PTSD patience anotherwards that part is shut off do to conditioning and trauma. Just bableing

 

[Mockingbird13]

LKI,
You took the first step in finding this site and putting your thoughts and feelings out there..Bravo ! There is no one cure, but read and listen to those that know what you are going through. Not everything will work, but vent away here.

As a supporter this has been an incredible learning journey for me- filled with tears, mistakes of not understanding and just plain frustrations Please have your father find support goups of his own, because like you things will get overwhelming and he will need to learn and vent to us.

I will keep you in my prayers, and Im sure right now things look ominous and just to much to handle, but you have found an amazing group here that will not judge you. -

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Should I do In-patient at UCLA?

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, its a matter of how you feel. Sometimes I wish we had an in patient PTSD course. Some of the guys on our course here is Oz went out on the piss at night.
UCLA might be able to stabilize your meds and you.

Just my thoughts

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

The inpatient here in the states is awsome they can ween you off meds that you don't need safely and stabilize the ones you need. I don't know about the one at UCLA but they have the med school I've heard so that sounds like an awsome choice. They have an 8 week one in kansas that is the hole shooting match meds, therapy, the works. I had to do it cause I was going off my rocker but I was smart enough to voluntarilly go in and as far as meds go in five weeks I accomplished more than 10 years. The VA one up in spokane you can go in for a tuneup anytime if there is a bed. I also built a really big support network of vets with the same shit happening so I didn't feel alone when I was out. I would never change it for nothing I was on the verge of suicide I just wanted it to end it was so bad I had a plan to make it quit and everything. If it wasn't for my baby boy it would have been done. This was last july till sept that I checked myself in and my relationship is ten time better I cope with my children better just changed a lot. So if it is feesable I say jump the f*ck in get your meds right work with the social workers and Dr.s and take some forward steps. Don't get me wrong you have to follow with therapy and coping classes PTSD, ralationship with PTSD, and what ever you can handle. But the main reason it was so good for me is I couldn't just walk away and quit and the total emerson I loved the lets hit it hard because we only got so many weeks. They worked on any physical pains at the same time they tried to fix my head. I got to see a psyciatrist every day for five weeks for a half hour and theripist pretty regular. It was one of the best things that has happened since somalia and dealing with my PTSD. Hell that is where they fixed my impetancy also because the medical Dr.s worked with the shrinks cool stuff.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Let me know if any of you experience this or have heard of this. I don't have flashbacks of the event (well I do) but more painful than that is flashbacks of my life prior to the event, like as a kid, flash inside my mind. So 18 years of images flash in my mind and it's like I died. It's very very strange. I have never heard of anything like this.

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Willis! Thank you so much! That really means a lot to me. I really appreciate the time you take to answer my posts. No one understands me. Only my brother and my best friend. Everyone else doesn't understand why I just can't get over it. My brother and my best friend know that I am severely sick and this is as bad as any disease. Anyway, my best friend has been pushing for inpatient and now that you wrote that I will go because of you. The only problem I have is 1) It will kill my dad. If I tell my dad that I have to go to the hospital he will be so broken I don't even know how to explain it 2) Can I still go to work every day at 11:30 to 8:00? 3) I am so low and the flashbacks are so bad that I don't think anything will help, not even inpatient. So let me know how I can tell my dad without breaking his heart even more than it already is and if I can still go to work.

Your brother,

LK

 

[Deleted member 5370]

Also, how much does it cost?

 

[willis williams]

1st if you go to a VA one I don't think you can work but FMLA should cover your job. That is why I said if it is feesable. In patient is inside and if you can only do three weeks just to get your meds right and get all other issues addressed it is good. As a veteran it is free at the VA directed ones. The program you were talking about is probably a grant funded program the same as my therapist he cost nothing and I can go every week and he is not afiliated with the VA. For the UCLA one some computer work should get you part of the info then maybe some calls to sort it out. If you want to expidite it go to the VA and go to the triage and when they check you in they will ask you if you feel like harming yourself or others say yes and tell them about your problem and how you just want it to end and the hurting in your brain to stop. It will seem weird at first because they will assign a person emediatly to you suicide watch. Then the oncall psyciatrist will see you tell them the same story but tell them about what you are seeing over and over and don't play tuff let the emotions out and infecise the drasticness of the situation. They will ask you if you consent and consent because if they force you which they can by law if they think you are a danger to yourself or others to inpatient at this point no mater how prepair you think you are you will brake down because at that point you will be surendering to your PTSD that you have been fighting for years. You are also letting go of what little control over your life that you have left and you know us military guys and control but remember it is part of our sickness it is called conditioning. Then after that be prepaired for your diet, activity, hell even in some casses how many times you shit depending on you meds to be watched. Everything is checked a complete physical andIf anything adressed with specialist. Remember those appointments that you have to schedule 2 or 3 months out to get it's a thing of the past you get seen. There will be classes and every need if it is a good inpatient facility.

2nd your dad is going to have to be told the trueth and if it tares him up just explain that you are no kind of son to him without trying every avenue you can to get this under control. Then make it a pride thing put the pride to him because he probably feel responcible for some aspect of your condition parents always do. Say something like dad you raised me to be a survivor and I'm going to be just make him feel poud of you and his acomplishments at raising you. Or something on that line to take some of the burden off him and the situation. But remember you have to seek treatment for yourself no matter what kind and it is better to appologize later and be a little more healthy than to torment those around you with your disease. I think when you get out if you are a touch more stable and happy your dad will appriciate that and be able to see past the hole going in to the hospital. Remind him that if you had cancer he would won't you to get treatment it is a disease just like PTSD.

As for the doubt you have in it working it is no majic bullit. But if you put the amount of effort into the programs availible that you do everyday fighting it you will get some return on your effort. Just remember that all outside stressors are not inside so you can focus 100% on fighting your symtoms. You may get some imidiate results from just med management or you may have to wait 4 weeks for some new one to kick in that may replaces 4 you were taking. As you have probably noticed others and I have mentioned med management. It is criticle because you may be taking to that cross react and are giving you an adverse reaction. So it boils down to your strength as far as the emotional flashbacks. Say drugs are straightened out you have to step up and fight for the rest just like all the rest of us do. We aren't super humans we all still have a lot of symtems but we are learning to cope with them and manage them. So don't think your going to come out and not attend therapy at least every two weeks at first and think you are going to get there, your wrong. One other thing you need to know is that if there is some drastic improvement while you are in there physical or mental relief any stressor it may freak you out because you have been living this one way for a long time and the changes like say the meds are changed and your constant flashback is cut in half it can be over welming. So make sure you are stabil before you get released because by VA policy once you are admited they can not release you or kick you out if you are not stabil. This is because we have the highest suicide rate in the us and if you harm yourself or someone else upon release the can be held accountable. If you are bi-polar with the PTSD like me we have the highest suicide succes/ completion I new I was good at something.:D

Most of this is my opinions and some facts about the VA and my expiriences I am not a therapist and I hope it helps you choose the right decision for you. Later brother TEX