So Out Of It And Dizzy

[Iam]

My oldest and youngest sons let me know Sunday that our youngest son was doing really good in Calif. That our move back up to Oregon 9 years ago when he was in jr. high school is what screwed him up. We moved back up here because of me and my needs. I had fallen apart over many things the last straw being our middle son's problems with drugs and alcohol. Our middle son left me a voicemail yesterday that we are treating him like sh*t. All because he asked to borrow money again, he lost his job and is the sole support for his family of 5. My husband agreed to loan him the money, but wanted specifics as to how he was going to pay us back. I wasn't involved in the conversation, but apparently it made our son feel bad. Hence the voicemail he left me.
I am taking our youngest 23 yr old son to see an attorney today. My husband agreed to hire one for him do to drug charges (possession of 5 percocet without a prescription) that would land him prison if we don't. I don't want to be there....I am tired of it all.

Funny all that mattered to me, all that I wanted, was to be a good mom. I really tried my best, but it just wasn't good enough. Not for any of our 3 sons. It's pretty bad when your very best is a total failure.

Odd that my T asked me yesterday if anything was pulling me back into the past. That I had been doing a really good job living in the present and sometimes that makes the past rear it's head. OH YEAH, hmmmm really?

I am so F'ing out of it and so dizzy. I'm sure going off my anti-d doesn't help, but it was making me feel so physically ill, flu like symptoms and horrible muscle pain. REALLY, REALLY want to be done with it all. Think I am. What else is there? I've tried everything and I just don't have anything left to go on.

 

[intothelight]

(((Lauren)))

Please stop for a minute. I have been down this road, and the "you moved when I was in Jr. High and that is why I do drugs" is just an addict's denial. This is really not "your fault", and at some point in time our children become adults and responsible for their own actions. It doesn't mean we don't love them, it just means we are not responsible for directing their behavior. They are responsible for their own behavior.

Even though it seems they have failed and you have failed, it really isn't the truth. Everyone has failures, but it doesn't mean we/they are failures. As long as you draw breath, there is always the opportunity to change.

Nothing hurts worse than when things go bad with our children. I know that nothing I say can ease that pain right now, but just know we are here to support you.

Deb

 

[Iam]

Thanks for your response Deb. I am doing better now.

Intellectually I know what you said is true. It's just that even my older son said that he believes Billy got messed up because of the move. Yes, he made his choices, but he was doing so well in Calif. Nice kid. We moved up here to a rural town and he was treated like a thug (Oregonians do not like Californians as a whole, let alone a city boy in a rural town.) My instability played into it too.

I am very triggered by the trouble he is in. Yesterday I got a vm from our middle son saying we are treating him like crap. This due to my husband agreeing to loan him money, but apparently wanting specifics on how and when he'd pay us back. He has always paid us back and I wasn't part of the conversation, but I got the vm with him in tears, telling us to keep our f'ing money. Second big trigger. I was upset, told my husband and his comment was "Tell him t get the money from his grandmother (my mother). 3rd HUGE trigger considering what she did to me growing up. And even worse because last time my husband made a comment like that I ended up in the hospital suicidal. He met with my counselor to try to understand how he could help me and one of the points was not to bring up my mother in such a way, especially when I am already triggered. Yeah...well....thanks Hon.

I have pulled myself somewhat together, but know that I am extremely fragile right now. Just praying nothing else happens.....

Thanks for the love ;o)

 

[Jawn]

You can do it! Just remember that Lauren. (((Hugs)))

Now why do I picture you with your hair all pulled out Phyllis Diller style? :D

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Thanks Jawn.....I appreciate the vote of confidence!

 

[Jawn]

Well Lauren, you keep proving that I am right! ;)

 

[Iam]

Now why do I picture you with your hair all pulled out Phyllis Diller style? :D

Well Lauren, you keep proving that I am right! ;)

I keep proving that my hair is pulled out Phyllis Diller style??? Yep, that's me Jawn!

 

[anni]

I know you can too, Iam. Hope that doesn't sound to 'rahrah'. I was glad to see Deb's answer up there, then Jawns's because I missed your first post-I'm sorry. Jawn's made me kind of happy I'm back here in the woods because you have no idea what 30 years of determined bleaching does to hair- at 4 a.m., when I got up it was kind of clear what lPhyllisand I have in common. You at least need to be stressed to look like that.

Your best will be good enough in the end- just wanted to say that. Is that me beating that poor dead horse because I said it before? Fuzzy today-not sleeping plus got scared in the mirror like I said. :) They take these side tracks, go off the rails, hate us, are resentful ( sorry-understatement), but seriously- it IS the moral GPS you programmed in them by being a GOOD MOTHER which brings them back eventually to themselves- which they'll see when their dust settles. I'm serious- I see it again and again. I saw it in my family, I've seen it first hand in others, think you're too close, too fragile, have too much PTSD's shattered self esteem to maybe believe it. Maybe it's a good thing to be a little disconnected- dizzy isn't good but geesh- give your head a vacation if it wants to have one. It needs a break on a hypothetical beach. It doesn't help the present situation, but you haven't failed as a mother, that's all.

I understand what you're saying about how awful it must feel with the borrowing money, the hurt feelings, the VM. Men. You're terribly fragile- beyond making yourself clear, that you wish your son to have the money with no hurt feeling etc. you just can't stop men peeing on each other's legs sometimes. Awfully, awfull hard because then you get caught in the cross fire, and unfair as crap. Anyway- you're not in any shape to 'fix' that, you know? They have to mop each other up, that's all or just keep getting wet and smelly. Your son needs the money, it's not that big a deal to make terms, on the other hand your husband knows darn well he doesn't need them, he'll get paid. They're doing that man thing of peeing on each other's legs and you're getting splashed. Humph. Let them have at it, maybe take a shower.

Hugs, and more. Wish I could show you my hair, so you'd feel better, Iam.

Anni

 

[Srain]

I know I'm jumping into your thread but let me just say as a young calif transplant to oregon during those "formative" years I am acutely aware of the feelings and history of just how much and long the tradition is for Oregonians to hate Californians. I was there at the core beginning of the movement complete with bumper stickers reading "Go Home Californians", it was quite a political game to begin with but has kept up through the years. My father got around it by describing us primarily from Alaska but my mother clear she was Southern Californian!

I'm really saying this because whatever went on with your son really went on because of other reasons that he may never tell you, certainly not the old "I'm a native Oregonian where are you from?" reason. I knew plenty of people locally and from out of the area that were using drugs and alcohol and for different reasons. Some got it together and others didn't. Please don't buy into Mother's Guilt, although as a fellow mother, I have so much guilt I can hardly be fair in saying that, huh?? Why do they call it "Mother's Guilt"???

But honestly, I know you are well over-whelmed as I'm sure your husband is. I feel so much for you both. I know you must be exhausted from trying so hard to take good care of yourself and coming off of ADs is horrible! (((((Hugs))))) Leaving you raw with frayed feelings so feeling like your kids aren't squared away can only notch up the guilt factor.

From one mother to another, let me hold your guilt bag for a day while you get some rest :) (and apparently a new hair doo :whistling:) because I surely understand how exhausting it can be. I agree so much with Anni on the $$, my youngest has 4 kids and quite frankly, I just send $$ when I can. I don't loan money, that's just me. He said once he would pay me back, I told him I don't give out loans. We send gift cards to stores, food, $$. I just saw growing up that loaning was never a great idea, bad feelings and all. Now if he strikes it rich and one day when I'm old he wants to NOT send me down the river, ok ;) But the man has to feed his kids and keep a roof over their heads, as has been said, your values come through, don't panic, times are rough now but they will come through and you will see them in each of your young men.

Hugs and peace,
Rain

It was good to see your love and humor come out :)

 

[Iam]

Thanks Rain I really appreciate the thoughts and support.

Funny thing is on the Oregon/California issue is that all of our boys were born in Oregon LOL! We had moved back to California for awhile when they were all in grade school. I don't know what the reasons are for their drug and alcohol usage. Even though I myself am not an addict.....(to drugs and alcohol anyway LOL!) I am sure that the addictive behavior, my instability and even the genes (most of my family of origin are alcoholics) played into it. Still, it's all individual choices. My boys sure as heck had it much better than I did growing up and I've chosen not to use.

As far as the loaning money to our son goes. He would never just "take" money and insists on paying us back. It's always between he and his Dad. I try to stay out of it. I guess that's why his voicemail hit me so hard. It's like WTF? Doubly so because he has never spoken to us like in the last 10 years. It is reminiscent of when he was a teen. He is always respectful and careful how he phrases things. I know that he is hurting badly right now. He's a responsible family man who feels badly about getting fired and is scared as hell about how he is going to support his family. I also know that being on percocet for his broken hand probably doesn't help inhibit voicing what he was feeling at the moment. He is in Tahoe visiting my folks and just called to wish his Dad a Happy Father's Day. Kind of surprised both of us. I'm even more surprised that I don't feel too forgiving towards him yet. Maybe when he gets back into town and we get a chance to talk it out I will feel differently. For now, I am really hurt.....which is stupid because I do know where he is at emotionally.

Think I'll take you up on putting the Mommy Guilt bag down for a bit (easier said than done though....achh!)

 

[Heather]

Lauren - HUGS to you!!!! I guess it doesn't get any easier know matter how old they get does it?

Nicole is 7 1/2 and she's kicking my butt already....the mouth! OMG!!! She can be such a brat. She talks to me like she's 25y/o.

Be kind to yourself. You of all people DESERVE IT! LOVE YOU.

HUGS LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS.

Take care. Heather.

 

[Iam]

I remember my kids going thru what seemed like pre-adolescence at various stages Heather. It's normal. Though knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier ;o) Hang in there and enjoy her as much as possible. You hear it all the time how fast they grow up. Truly, you turn around and their gone it seems in the blink of an eye! Each stage has it's trials, but each stage has it's wonderous joys too!