So Two Weeks After I Get Dumped I Buy Her A Car

[The Hermit King]

That's how it works right? :O_o: Well I didn't exactly buy her a car. I just gave her $2,200 for a down payment because she would not have been able to get transportation of her own otherwise. I have loved her and taken care of her for three years, I couldn't let her go without any transportation.

Neither of us have any hard feelings towards the other. Her outgoing lifestyle was being crushed by my anti-social hermit lifestyle. We still love each other but maybe she is right when she says we are just not right for each other. She is still living with me until she can make other arrangements.

She woke me up at two am last night crying in the hallway and hugging me telling me how sorry she was for hurting me but she just really needs to do this for herself. I guess I took care of her so well that she feels 100% dependent on me? That's what she said pretty much. I didn't know that was a bad thing.

So anyway here I am, still having to see her face everyday after she broke my heart. I don't know if it will get better or worse once she has finally moved out. Oh yeah after all this rambling I remembered I had an actual question. Has anyone ever had like mini flashbacks after a break up?

Like the weirdest stuff. I was making some turkey burgers the other day and I had this sudden intrusive extremely vivid memory of us shopping at SAMs Club together the day I found these burgers and I was all excited about how much protein they had. I said "Look babe they have almost twice as much protein as those other ones!" Something so silly but before I knew it I was crying over my turkey burger.

Anyway I was just wondering if that is normal for a breakup or was it because I already have PTSD or what? My best friend who lives out in Oklahoma was trying to cheer me up saying, "Dude you survived a freakin war! You will get through this." It made me laugh. The truth is I would rather go into battle with an enemy intent on killing me than to have my heart ripped from my chest by the woman I love.

My mind is like a big ole bowl of soup lately so I apologize if this post was annoying to read or anything. I tried to be a little better at least with the grammar stuff. :bookworm:

 

[Dallas]

A breakup is spiritual trauma and you have to let yourself heal.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Nicolette]

Sorry about your relationship break up. It wouldn't be easy still living in the same house. Take care of you.

 

[99Phoenix99]

"Dude you survived a freakin war! You will get through this." It made me laugh. The truth is I would rather go into battle with an enemy intent on killing me than to have my heart ripped from my chest by the woman I love.

I completely understand what you mean. My PTSD stems from medical trauma. Long story short for 7 years I had countless needles shoved in my face as well as a few surgeries performed despite knowing they very well might do jack for me. I was essentially experimented on because no one in the medical world knew what to do with me. I'm one of kind ;P lol Sorry I digressed, anyhow. My point being I was basically tortured for 7 years by medical professionals. It's wrong to call it that because it's in the medical realm and it's their job to protect and prolong life and all that jazz. But it is what it is. HELL. My life was in question the whole time. But hey, at least that made sense. There was rhyme and there was reason for everything that happened. I could understand WHY I was being experimented on. I could understand WHY I had nightmares.

Though it's not the same with your PTSD being war based, I'm assuming that for you... you know WHY you have PTSD. You were in a war. It makes sense. (Forgive me if I'm wrong)

Now, I've had PTSD since I've been 15. So... I've never had a relationship pre-PTSD so I can't really say if PTSD makes the break up easier or worse for someone.

But what I can say is that I'd rather be back on that exam table with a 3 inch needle shoved into my face with no anesthetic all the while going into shock and eventually blacking out from the pain again than go through a break up.

Because with a break up I don't know WHY feelings are out of control. I don't know why every time I find a stupid nerdy and geeky joke my mind immdeiately goes to my Ex. With my PTSD flashbacks they make sense even if they are debilitating. But flash backs to my Ex? Happens all the time and I can't figure out why.

Are we predisposed to have more flashbacks about break ups because of our PTSD? Hell if I know. But maybe break ups are harder on us because we already have a lot going on. Anthony has a good example in one of the forums about stress. People with PTSD have a lot of stressors already. And we're almost at our tipping point on a good day. Add a little bit more stress to that cup and WHAM we're overflowing when someone else would be just agitated.

Damn this is a long reply. Sorry about that. I guess your post resonated a little too close to home.

Just know you're not alone in these feelings. I'm about 6 months out of my relationship and it still happens (the flashbacks). They happen less and less as time passes though. Just... don't be too hard on yourself. Don't do what I do. Don't ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship (that idea alone took me 3 months to figure out).

Be kind to yourself.

 

[The Hermit King]

Damn this is a long reply. Sorry about that.

I'm not sorry about it and thank you. I really liked what you had to say and I appreciate hearing your personal experiences. I feel better afterwards. So thats damn good in my book.

 

[saffy]

Has anyone ever had like mini flashbacks after a break up?

Hi over9000

It is great that you have parted in a friendly way, BUT, I think she is being incredibly unfair and selfish not leaving. She said herself she has to do this herself, and yet remains in your house taking what you offer, is she paying you back for the car?

You are obviously a very genuine, generous and caring man, which is a fantastic quality by the way, I wish there were more of you out there. If she is genuine she will respect that and not take the piss! I hope anyway, she can't have it both ways it is not fair on you.

Back to the question though, I think it is normal to have flashbacks of good things that happen in our lives, the same as we might the flashbacks of negative things that happen. Remembering good memories are sentimental and good but it can be upsetting as well, especially if you are greiving, say after a break up, which is effectively like loosing that person.

I hope you can move forward in a positive way.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[The Hermit King]

is she paying you back for the car?

She says she is but I don't have anything in writing or anything. And then this morning she wakes me up knocking on my door and when I open the door she just walks in my room and hops in my bed. She just needed me to hold her for awhile apparently. But all it did was confuse me more. I will be glad once she is able to leave.:tdown:

 

[99Phoenix99]

Over9000... I think you need to set some boundaries with her. Whether she knows it or not... that's a cruel thing to do to you. You need to set boundaries and tell her that while you acknowledge her upset you can't comfort her. You comforting her is not fair to you. And it's doing nothing but making the break up harder than it needs to be. In no short words you need to say she is the one who broke up with you and while you don't want to throw her out she really needs to get the ball rolling on moving out. It'll be easier on both of you that way. I understand that you still have feelings for her and that this is unbearable but it needs to be done if the break up is actually going to happen.

And normally I wouldn't give this type of harsh advice because I am no love guru, however what she's doing to you is essentially what my Ex did to me. He broke up with me, completely blindsided me (mind you he left me for another girl). I still liked him. He knew that. He told me he still liked me. Kept telling me how he was thinking about me, missed me, yar yar yar. I was completely numb/shocked/astounded and couldn't wrap my mind around what it really meant... This went on for maybe a week or two before I put my foot down.

It wasn't fair. He broke up with me but I was the one that had to end it. He was upset with me. Upset that I told him I didn't want to see him anymore or continue any type of communication. Granted I'm sure you both want to at least stay in contact unlike me, but the principle is the same. Even though he broke up with me I had to be the strong one to make things final otherwise we'd be stuck in limbo.

What she's doing isn't fair.

It hurts. It really really hurts. But right now you need to protect yourself. You need to focus on you. I'm not saying be unkind to her, not at all. But it seems like you need to be the strong one right now.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[matthios]

She just needed me to hold her for awhile apparently. But all it did was confuse me more.

Nothing to be confused about. She's taken you for granted (and/or granite-- since your feelings don't matter because you have none?) and is using you for her needs.

This is when you say "Girl, meet door; door, say goodbye to girl. Leave your keys and send me a check."

 

[The Albatross]

Sending mixed signals could be several things, a sign of immaturity or a manipulation. Possibly the desire to "remain friends"... It is seldom something mothers teach, and something that young women have to learn on their own. It can blur boundaries for both you and she, if you continue to allow the behavior and don't call her out on it and lead to some not only confusing but messy situations. Sounds to me like a discussion is inorder... and I concur with the boundary setting Phoenix suggested.

If she doth protest too much... then Matthios's take would most likely be mine as well.

 

[matthios]

Unless I'm misremembering from another post by someone else, this woman has (pre)teenage kids... So while her momma may not have taught her to do this, she's sure teaching her daughter!

 

[Bilby]

Not at all annoying or anything like that, Over9000 :)

I don't have PTSD - I'm a "Supporter" of someone who has it, but I have read your post and I hope you don't mind me replying.

I think that having PTSD probably complicates things - or rather, compounds things perhaps. But I think remembering the good times (and sometimes probably bad times) with your now "ex" is part of the grieving process. Right now, you're in a very raw phase, where things will really hurt - and it comes as no surprise at all that you would be in tears over things. Complicating matters are the mixed messages that she is sending you - I don't feel, from what you have said, that she is being very fair by hopping into bed with you. You are trying to accept that she wants the relationship to end, yet being shown something very different. That is rough and I feel for you.

I hope that you can find it within yourself to discuss this with her - to set some boundaries with her if she does need to stay with you right now (if things are indeed over) or to work through some issues if the relationship is to be given another shot.

Try to put yourself first and give what's going on a lot of thought so you can work out what it is that you need to say/do to put yourself in a position which is positive for you (or as positive as it can be right now).

Take care mate, you seem like a good person, certainly undeserving of having your emotions toyed with.

B x