So Upset With My Therapist And Don't Know What To Do

[BGood]

@barefoot, Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have to admit, I am very surprised that your therapist handled the situation this way. It sounds like she really dropped the ball. I say this, as I am currently in my 5th year of earning a PsyD (doctor of psychology degree), and at my school, we are thoroughly trained on the "do not harm" and ethical obligations part, and preparing clients for changes and transformations. I believe your therapist was irresponsible and caused you harm. It is a therapist's responsibility to keep track of pre-paid hours. It sounds like both you and the therapist had a difficult time bringing up the topic. But at the end of the day, that responsibility is on her.
I liked someone's suggestion of taking time to process and think about how you would like to respond. I find that with my clients (though I am not licensed and do not have a full caseload), if they are able to come forward and let me know if they are upset with me or that something isn't working in the therapy, I am very grateful and receptive. So, in theory, if you were to tell your therapist your experience and the ways you have felt let down, and how you expected her to handle the situation, she would take accountability and come up with a different solution. I would especially mention the part where she discussed how she charges high amounts in order to do pro-bono work. If you have worked together for 2.5 years, you have, I would imagine, developed a meaningful relationship. As a starry-eyed grad student, I believe she should honour that relationship and your health and well being. False assurance is irresponsible and malpractice, in my opinion (though that is only my opinion).

Good luck with your journey, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Anxiety is very painful, and I imagine severe anxiety caused by your therapist must feel like a true form of betrayal. Remember that you are strong, and you have support systems elsewhere that you can call upon during this time -- and you have! The people on this site are here and care about you. Thank you for reaching out, and please continue to do so!

 

[Muttly]

I agree with others, you've shown yourself to be strong here. I'm very sorry you are dealing with this.

I have a similar situation going on in some ways, with some significant differences. I changed jobs. I told her that for a while, after the job change I would have issues with insurance and then after that I wouldn't know. the job change happened and I'm a bit more broke than I expected to be and the insurance situation has been harder to sort out than I expected.

My old insurance ended January 31st. All January my therapist kept bring up the money issue. I was somewhat avoiding and also generally didn't know how things would work out. There were too many unknowns. Then I got the flu and bronchitis and missed a session. I canceled last friday too. In large part because I was still sick and also exhausted. No sick leave at the new job and because of financial reasons and pressure to work anyway, I only missed 1.5 days of work in a 9 day period. (Yes, they had me scheduled for 9 days in a row). Anyway, I partly, because I can't wrap my brain around what I'm going to do. She's giving me all kinds of assurances that we will work something out and in our last session asked me to figure out much I could afford to pay. So yesterday she called me, and left me a nice message saying she knows it's stressful and confusing right now figuring out the money and she wants to acknowledge that and let me know we will work together to figure something out. She's not avoiding the issue.

So, given what my experience has been like, I think yours has handled it really poorly. And the moving goal posts would really trouble me. Having inconsistency, when your dealing with trauma is bound to be triggering.

 

[Deleted member 39814]

This is going to be long, sorry...but I would really appreciate any thoughts as I'm in a real state ab...

This is absolutely heartbreaking. I have been “ counselling “ people since I was a teenager. I found perfect strangers opening their hearts to me and for some reason I found myself able to help. Over 10 years ago I added hypnotherapy to my arsenal. The best 2 results was a serviceman who had been signed off work for nearly 2 years seeing a psychologist for 18 months of that time and a woman who had been sexually abused by her father between the age of 6 and 16. He is now back at work and has been promoted, she has bought and sold a house then bought another. She has also bought herself a brand new car ( paid for now ). Something she always dreamed of but could never see herself achieving. Both of these people were helped using hypnotherapy.

I truly believe that I am missing something when someone says they have been seeing a therapist for 18 months, 2 years and, in one case, a woman who told me she had the same therapist for 3 years and the therapist was brilliant. Sorry, I just don’t get it. To me its like taking your car into a garage because your brakes don’t work and the garage valets it to showroom condition telling you that although your brakes still don’t work, nobody will guess because it now looks brand new.

As for cost, I did not get in to hypnotherapy to be a millionaire. Anyone who learns hypnotherapy to help people should realise that they will not be filthy rich.

When I was hypnotising the serviceman I felt distinct resistance on the 3rd . he was panicking over how much the cost was going to be in total. I told him that when he felt comfortable about work and able to return, he will pay me a flat rate of £200 ( should have been £1050 ). So often, people affected by trauma and hiding in themselves are not financially well off so don’t expect to make a fortune from them.

I guess what I am trying to say is make money where and when you can as a therapist but to walk away from someone in need is inhuman

 

[EmmaOwl]

@barefoot I gather you're recovering from surgery? I very much hope things turned out right for you with the health, the therapy issue, everything. You are a trooper, from what I've read through, here.. me all teary-eyed. Please post an update when you can?

 

[MPower]

My therapist is in London. She is a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist. She charges £120 a session s...

My advice would be to a) breathe deeply a few times and b) cancel that appointment.

There are other therapists. She does not hold any magical powers. With the current arrangement you'd be on your own for the next month anyway so why not save that money and look for someone new?

PS. This sucks. I'd be upset too. You can get through this.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

The proposal she has finally come up with isn't a reflection of the reassurances she has given me for many, many months. Don't insist that I don't need to worry/we'll work something out and don't repeatedly tell me that you have a sliding scale and have even worked with people for free before (I have not ever expected/hoped to work with her for free!) if you know that the lowest you are prepared to go is £80. Tell me that.

I am sorry to hear about this. She did mislead you by giving you constant reassurance about something that she cannot deliver. She overpromised but underdelivered. I would feel very hurt and betrayed.

It might be a good idea take a break for maybe two months and see how things are. Also, finding another therapist that is cheaper offers a sliding scale si another alternative. I don't know your full situation and state. Are you self-harming or suicidal? Do you have any addictions? If no then I would say you are safe to take a break and be without a therapist for a while and see how it works. If you have any of the problems above then you will need a therapist.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the recent replies here - I hadn't realised that I didn't ever update the thread with the outcome.

This situation was back in February and things have moved on a lot since then.

If any of you want to plough through more angst ridden posts from me about my therapist/therapy, the next chapter to this is in this thread:
I Think I May Be About To Be Fired By Therapist. Not Sure What To Do.

If you just want a shorter update though:

- we sorted out the fee situation
- and then a couple of great sessions to help me prep for surgery
- I then had my surgery
- therapist and I then had a miscommunication about when I was returning to therapy after surgery
- cue me losing my mind about it for a couple of weeks and convincing myself I was about to get fired (hence above thread)
- we then had a very tough session because we were both equally baffled by the other one's behaviour so then spent a whole session hammering out what was going on
- we got to a good place
- we are still in a good place - working through the ruptures has strengthened our therapeutic alliance, plus there has been a shift in terms of the work, which is promising too.

Truth be told, it was a bloody rocky few months with her and I really didn't know whether we'd come out the other side still working together. But we both leaned in and worked hard to do our bit to get things back on track, and it paid off.

Therapeutic ruptures can be so, so hard. In this case, we were both committed to sorting it out and both able to have an - at times very uncomfortable - honest, cards on the table conversation. Without that, I think I'd have ended up looking for a new therapist.

 

[barefoot]

And @Allie D. Thank you - the surgery went well and was successful. I am making a good recovery and am definitely feeling the benefits of having the op :-)

 

[EmmaOwl]

And @Allie D. Thank you - the surgery went well and was successful. I am making a good recovery

That's excellent - I'm glad to hear. Sorry for vaulting this to the top but I think it could be helpful for others going through awkward situations with their therapists.

It certainly made me think about my current therapist, and what I would do if I suddenly couldn't see him for any reason - be it financial, or other things such as retirement, illness, moving elsewhere... I don't even want to think about it. I feel the wrenching pain in what you've written here.

It is so difficult to find someone good, *and* develop a relationship with them. This thread has me thinking, perhaps I ought to take a look around ahead of time or even line someone up just in case. Getting my name on a list, if demand is high.

Well, also I pay my current guy out of pocket, at a rate I can put together, but still it would be better to have someone covered by my insurance.

All that aside, it's good to know you're recovering well. Thanks for you FAQ-style update!, and thanks also for linking to your more recent thread. Here we all are, attempting to navigate the murky waters of mental health care.

 

[barefoot]

Here we all are, attempting to navigate the murky waters of mental health care.

Yes indeed!

Well, looking into alternative providers can't hurt if you want to feel you have a "back up plan." Some things are hard to plan for though - if a T suddenly had to relocate or take long term personal leave or was ill or died - the sudden shock of it would still be there and perhaps at that point the one you had in mind as back up may have moved or may be full or whatever. I guess I'm saying, sure, look up other options if it would feel reassuring to you. But maybe not if it will make you feel more anxious about the possibility of your T suddenly not being around. When, in fact, they may well be around for however long you need them.
Think I'm rambling...tired! :-)

 

[Suzetig]

Over 10 years ago I added hypnotherapy to my arsenal.

Elsewhere you said you trained 8 years ago.

Just because you "don't get" why people might benefit from long term therapy doesn't mean it's not effective or required in some cases or that therapists are in it for the money. Certainly in the U.K. that's not the case.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I truly believe that I am missing something when someone says they have been seeing a therapist for 18 months, 2 years and, in one case, a woman who told me she had the same therapist for 3 years and the therapist was brilliant. Sorry, I just don’t get it. To me its like taking your car into a garage because your brakes don’t work and the garage valets it to showroom condition telling you that although your brakes still don’t work, nobody will guess because it now looks brand new.

I agree. Here is an article I found that supports this:
Opinion | In Therapy Forever? Enough Already

Also, check out This is How by Augustine Burroughs. There is an essay "How to be a Good Mental Patient".