Social And Relationship Problems

[czerkawski]

Hello,

It's been some time since I last posted; I've been sliding for a while and did some google searching and naturally ended up back at this site. I've known for some time that I have extreme trouble connecting to people and even initiating any sort of relationship, and my most recent bout with ptsd has made this a glaring issue known.

For as long as I can remember I've been avoidant and have had serious social issues. I was the shy kid growing up, but as it turns out it was a little more than a little shyness. Finding, initiating and maintaining friendships is a massive struggle. There was a time when I had serious anxiety about even posting on this forum, so I have improved in that regard however if I met most of you in real life I would honestly look like a deer in the headlights.

I'm to the point now where I'm working my way out of the denial and really realizing how poor my social interactions are in real life. I feel like I can post intelligently and coherently on this forum but to get this out of my mouth in real life would be another story. I stutter, my mind goes blank, I act "tough" or put on my "don't care face", but deep down I'm truly terrified. Small talk is usually a nightmare and a half and even the thought of having a relationship seems impossible at this point.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that a huge chunk of the ptsd battle is in actually connecting with people. I've stayed isolated for what seems like my entire life and truly am terrified of anyone getting close to me. My "wall" seems automatic at this point with people, which is maddening most days as I actually want to connect and form solid relationships with people (there was a time when I really didn't want anything to do with anyone, not healthy at all so that is a huge improvement).

I'm moving to northern Ontario so support groups are few and far between. I'm going to continue working with my therapist via skype (the most amazing person in the world) so that is a plus. I've tried al-anon in the past, as I do qualify because I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father from an alcoholic family, but couldn't continue because when it was my turn to speak, I literally froze and had to pass. I pretended like I didn't like it and it wasn't for me (denial) but truth be told I was just terrified of the people. They seemed warm and receptive but my own fear was just too much. That is my only option for a face to face support group up there.

So that's where I am right now, terrified of people and frustrated with my social problems. I realize that healthy attachment is absolutely huge and a necessary part of recovery, but I still have massive fears that literally paralyze me.

Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome back!

Social settings like get togethers, parties, etc simply terrify me. One thing I'm getting better at is deflecting the attention away from myself by asking people questions about themselves. It's great because I can avoid talking about myself (which I hate), and it allows others to talk about themselves (which most people love).

 

[Mayday]

I struggle with avoidance and maintaining friendships too and have done my whole life. It's really hard to get past that fear, and even think about trying to break down those walls that I've had up my own life.

Therapy is helping me with this, as is studying art as the place where I study is very friendly and supportive. I agree, it's a move in the right direction to even want to connect with people, as for a long time that desire was just not there for me at least.

Perhaps when you move to the new place, you could look around for an evening class or something in an area that interests you, and that might help to give you a bit of practise in being around people. I also volunteer at an animal shelter which has helped me a lot, as the animals provide a nice buffer, and give me something to talk about, and it calms me down to be around them, so then it is sometimes easier to deal with the people.