Hi! I'm a young female from Europe, married with a finnish guy.
I had social anxiety since I was 12, I was very shy person even before when I was in kindergarten.
In my youth, my mum and the rest of the family didn't know what anxiety is, so I didn't see any doctor, until I was 17 and I went to acupuncture for one year. That gave me new perspective of life and I leard lots of things from that doctor. But my social anxiety was still there, with panic attacks every time I had social event so that kept me indoors most of the time. I missed lots of things from a normal life development.
Now I am 30. I met my husband in my home country (a country from Europe) 4 ,5 years ago. We moved in his country, Finland almost 3 years ago.
I was full of hopes and dreams, in a new country, culture, new energy. But soon I discovered how my husband was. He started to take all kinds of pills and drugs, he was not himself anymore. I knew that in his past he used drugs , but he told me that he quit everything and he wants a new life. I never met anybody before who took any drugs, so this world was all knew to me.
I was struggling hard to fit in the system in a new country, dealing with social anxiety, school and my husband's drug use. Last year in december he got into a treatment which is giving his medicine daily. I finished one year in school, and after that, anxiety took control over me.
What happend is that, one year ago I was experiencing magic mushrooms, I needed a spiritual growth.
I was increasing the dose a bit every time, like once per month. After 6 months I had a heavy trip and decided to stop. I want to say that I am a highly sensitive and emphatic person.
4 months later I wanted to take one more dose, but very mild this time. I didn't have any trip, but I had kind of depersonalisation feeling, very weird and scary . I decided to stop taking mushrooms for good.
Meanwhile, I went to a doctor to prescribe me something mild for anxiety to cope at school. I was not used to take pills on a daily basics, I prefer more natural methods, so doctors in Finland didn't understood that. I got a prescription for Venlaflaxine, an Ssri, I knew it's not good for me , but I wanted to eperience it and proof the doctors that my nervous system is not happy with this strong pills.
So, after one week since I took the last dose of magic mushrooms, I was taking one pill of Venlaflaxine and it triggered the worst nightmares for 3 days and 3 nights. I felt that I am choking, I couldn't drink or eat, I couldn't sleep, everything was buzzing around me and the walls and everything were not feeling real. I thought I am going to die, all the dark thoughts came into my mind which I never had before. After that experience I was still having flashbacks, I told the doctor but she didn't say anything. After 3 months, I woke up with terrible feeling of desintegration, fear of death and very emotional and empathic about all the things around. I used to watch crime and horror movies, but now even from a comedy I can get the feeling of desintegration if they talk about death or suffering. To conect myself with reality I need to take a small dose of diazepam.
This episodes, started 9 months ago, meanwhile I was attending some therapy sessions, but still I don't know how to overcome this episodes. After 5 months they decreased in intensity, but they come once a month, maybe twice, they last from 3 days to 1 or 2 weeks.
My therapist told that it was the combination between mushrooms and one week later, Venlaflaxine.
I feel that something has changed in my brain, all the dark and negative thoughts are in my mind, day and night. I am trying to do somthing fun, relaxing, some sport but they still come (the feeling and thoughts).
I am unimployed since I finished the school, 9 months ago. I have to deal with my husband's days of taking some pills from which he is flipping out, shutting his brain basically and this is destroying me. My social anxiety went so high that I cannot stay in normal working place like other people, I would spend my breaks in a toilet just to be away from people's sight. And here I can only get some trainee places, it's hard with the finnish language.
I feel so stuck and sad sometimes because of my husband, even now he is much better than last year. I have no friends and feeling very lonely. I need somebody to talk to, exchange ideas, I need support. I am so angry about myself that I am not able to change something just because I am stuck with my fears and anxiety. The only safe place is indoors.
Sorry for my English, it's not so good. I just need some good words, and online support if it's possible.
Thank you for reading my story!
I had social anxiety since I was 12, I was very shy person even before when I was in kindergarten.
In my youth, my mum and the rest of the family didn't know what anxiety is, so I didn't see any doctor, until I was 17 and I went to acupuncture for one year. That gave me new perspective of life and I leard lots of things from that doctor. But my social anxiety was still there, with panic attacks every time I had social event so that kept me indoors most of the time. I missed lots of things from a normal life development.
Now I am 30. I met my husband in my home country (a country from Europe) 4 ,5 years ago. We moved in his country, Finland almost 3 years ago.
I was full of hopes and dreams, in a new country, culture, new energy. But soon I discovered how my husband was. He started to take all kinds of pills and drugs, he was not himself anymore. I knew that in his past he used drugs , but he told me that he quit everything and he wants a new life. I never met anybody before who took any drugs, so this world was all knew to me.
I was struggling hard to fit in the system in a new country, dealing with social anxiety, school and my husband's drug use. Last year in december he got into a treatment which is giving his medicine daily. I finished one year in school, and after that, anxiety took control over me.
What happend is that, one year ago I was experiencing magic mushrooms, I needed a spiritual growth.
I was increasing the dose a bit every time, like once per month. After 6 months I had a heavy trip and decided to stop. I want to say that I am a highly sensitive and emphatic person.
4 months later I wanted to take one more dose, but very mild this time. I didn't have any trip, but I had kind of depersonalisation feeling, very weird and scary . I decided to stop taking mushrooms for good.
Meanwhile, I went to a doctor to prescribe me something mild for anxiety to cope at school. I was not used to take pills on a daily basics, I prefer more natural methods, so doctors in Finland didn't understood that. I got a prescription for Venlaflaxine, an Ssri, I knew it's not good for me , but I wanted to eperience it and proof the doctors that my nervous system is not happy with this strong pills.
So, after one week since I took the last dose of magic mushrooms, I was taking one pill of Venlaflaxine and it triggered the worst nightmares for 3 days and 3 nights. I felt that I am choking, I couldn't drink or eat, I couldn't sleep, everything was buzzing around me and the walls and everything were not feeling real. I thought I am going to die, all the dark thoughts came into my mind which I never had before. After that experience I was still having flashbacks, I told the doctor but she didn't say anything. After 3 months, I woke up with terrible feeling of desintegration, fear of death and very emotional and empathic about all the things around. I used to watch crime and horror movies, but now even from a comedy I can get the feeling of desintegration if they talk about death or suffering. To conect myself with reality I need to take a small dose of diazepam.
This episodes, started 9 months ago, meanwhile I was attending some therapy sessions, but still I don't know how to overcome this episodes. After 5 months they decreased in intensity, but they come once a month, maybe twice, they last from 3 days to 1 or 2 weeks.
My therapist told that it was the combination between mushrooms and one week later, Venlaflaxine.
I feel that something has changed in my brain, all the dark and negative thoughts are in my mind, day and night. I am trying to do somthing fun, relaxing, some sport but they still come (the feeling and thoughts).
I am unimployed since I finished the school, 9 months ago. I have to deal with my husband's days of taking some pills from which he is flipping out, shutting his brain basically and this is destroying me. My social anxiety went so high that I cannot stay in normal working place like other people, I would spend my breaks in a toilet just to be away from people's sight. And here I can only get some trainee places, it's hard with the finnish language.
I feel so stuck and sad sometimes because of my husband, even now he is much better than last year. I have no friends and feeling very lonely. I need somebody to talk to, exchange ideas, I need support. I am so angry about myself that I am not able to change something just because I am stuck with my fears and anxiety. The only safe place is indoors.
Sorry for my English, it's not so good. I just need some good words, and online support if it's possible.
Thank you for reading my story!
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