Social Anxiety

[Malaenis]

I haven't been around much. I've been hiding from everything, this month is really hard for me. And I have a new anniversary trigger from last year that I knew would be rough, but wasn't sure what to expect, so I'm trying to ride it all out by hiding till it's over...

Which has been incredibly difficult. I've had appointments on a daily basis for the past few weeks. Probably months. It's been extremely difficult going out so much. I moved in October, and my new neighbors are pretty nice. Nicest neighbors I've ever had. But the woman across the hall knocked on my door once because her friend had a seizure. I don't know what she thought I could do. Ever since then I'm anxious when she's home that she's going to knock on my door again. She has a few times since. She is a very nice woman, and I know "normal" people wouldn't be concerned. She also helped me when I made my first turkey on Thanksgiving. I thought this would be great having a neighbor I could actually speak to, or ask for a cup of sugar. And she could do the same. But it isn't great.

Between this and my appointments I realized I need time to mentally prepare myself to face people, I need to know what to expect, and I need time to "detox" from socializing. Not sure if anyone else understands that. I feel like I can't be the only one, lol.

On top of this, I have a woman that works as a sort of parent support for parents with kids with any mental health issues. She's usually encouraging all the parents to get out, socialize, etc. Which I'm used to, I've finally gotten to a point(sort of) where I know it's my life and I can say no. But she had called the other night to check in, and see if I needed to meet with her. I told her I'm really busy and haven't had time. But I still get to our group every two weeks. Baby steps. She said this was great, sounded like things were going good for us, etc. I laughed a little, and said actually they aren't. My son had a phenomenally difficult weekend a week ago. And since this is a hard time for me, I wasn't able to handle it as well as I normally do. All of my emotional energy is usually spent making sure I can be a great parent to my child since his dad isn't around. I do it all alone, and this past weekend that hit hard where his dad hasn't sent money, things are going to be incredibly tight financially for us, like I'm not even sure how I'm going to be able to pay to do our laundry. On top of that his dad hasn't called since Christmas morning. Which when he does call is great because I get a little break where my child is distracted talking to him and I can get stuff done. Something I really need right now and don't have. It's just me and my son.

So as I'm trying to explain to this woman that no, that's actually not helping me at all to have a bunch of dr's appointments one after the other with no time to breathe, my son being difficult, my ptsd plunging me into a dark depressing pit all of a sudden, and zero support other than professionals who can only do so much. As I'm saying things aren't that good, she cut me off and said no they are. I snapped after getting off the phone with her. I couldn't believe someone who is supposed to be a "support" would treat it so casually and downright invalidate what I'm having to deal with without hearing it at all, even just the part about my son.

My therapist wants me to confront this woman, as there's a couple other things she's done that have upset me. And this is something I struggle with. I hate confrontation because it goes nowhere, leads to fighting, or the other person being angry and throwing/banging things. In my experience. Or people just stop talking to me instead of discussing. Last time I had to confront someone in person, even knowing I was 100% in the right, when I got home my whole body was trembling.

I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like I have too many people pushing me to do too many things at once that I'm just not ready for.
Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? Been afraid of confrontation and overcame it? Or even the social anxiety stuff and how you dealt with that. Or had experiences of being invalidated by a support person and how did you handle it?
I'm a flight trigger, my response is to run and hide till it all goes away.

I know it's a lot rolled into one post, but it's all interconnected.

Thanks to anyone who reads it. :)

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you so very much for posting. From experience I think I understand your feelings.
I think "this" other woman had good intentions. That might not be what you want to hear, but I think she was trying to be helpful and was trying to instill "her" positive attitude in you.
Unfortunately, sometimes I want to take other people's perception of "my" attitude and pack it where the sun doesn't shine. At times I just want to be left alone. I hibernate in my room and watch Netflix, listen to tunes, or sleep. But, ultimately, I have found that I am better off trying to improve my attitude and perception of things. Eventually. I actually come around and do appreciate their efforts (some) and actually do better in life when I keep my attitude above that Daily Minimal Isolation Level, put one foot in front of the other, smile enough to get by, and be nice to those who are trying to assist me. I just don't always feel like it at the time. And sometimes, for my own benefit (and others), I really do need to just chill for a while. Negative external forces can play into this big time too - like finances, rejection, or overwhelmed with family (like raising a child) obligations.
I would tell the therapist and/or anyone else that you will certainly consider what they're saying, and maybe even do it, maybe not. But it's just gonna have to wait until you feel up to it.
I think that a lot of my actions in life have to wait until I am ready and have thought them out thoroughly. I'm not the smartest or fastest thinker in the world and sometimes that takes time. Today I know that that is just how it has to be for me. I am more comfortable that way.
It just has to all happen when you are ready to do it. You have a lot on your plate, and some of those things are very important right now.
There's an example of how stress affects us some where on this site - called the ptsd cup - it explains it really well for me. When my cup is full, I shut down. Or slow way down. That's perfectly allright today. I accept that that is how I am.
I would take some positive let down time for you and your son. Have a bowl of ice cream (with syrup and whip cream) or do something relaxing that you both can enjoy. Reduce the stress. Worry about the other stuff, the answers, the questions, etc., etc., etc.... tomorrow. It can probably all wait. You are the most important person in the world. Close your door, take a moment in life to relax and take a deep breath. Life will probably seem a little better after a breather.
Good luck with the laundry and the $$$. I so relate. I hope things work out.

 

[Muted]

Your definently not alone @Malaenis . I have social anxiety and avoid confrontation too.

If I need to confront someone, I do better when I'm prepared in what I'm going to say. An outline of what I'm going to say helps me.

As far as social anxiety, that goes in spurts and also varies. I've found by exercising going to certain places that feel safe to me, having a safe person with me to be helpful. I guess that's probably more agraphobia than social anxiety, but for me they kind of are together. I am anxious in group situations and much more comfortable one on one, especially if I feel comfortable with that person. Crowds are also something I avoid as much as I can.

I can completely relate to the anxiety of the fear of being interrupted or someone knocking at my door too.

 

[Malaenis]

Thank you so very much for posting. From experience I think I understand your feelings.
I think "this" other woman had good intentions......

I completely understand where you're coming from. This woman is often over the top "just be positive". Funny thing is after this conversation I saw an article on how being positive all the time is harmful, it explained it very well. I often struggle to verbalize exactly why I feel a certain way, just know I do, and this was like my thoughts on it on paper.

The problem is, in this particular conversation she completely cut off what I was trying to say. At first I thought maybe she only had x amount of time to talk and was making sure it didn't turn into a long conversation. But we talked about a different subject for some time after that.
After she had said how things sounded like they were going good for us this is what happened:
Me: Ha, well, not really, my son had a really rough weekend during vacation and I--
Her: No, everything's great, things are fine.

She is a professional, not a friend. With my friends I 100% understand and have had to learn with a couple they don't get my mental illness, and they don't understand how harmful certain things they say can come off. I've learned with them to remember they don't mean it. But her job is to support parents, to be there to talk to or even text if we're going through a rough patch, or if we need advice, and if she can't help she has lots of resources to direct us to. But she didn't even listen. She cut me off mid-sentence. Now maybe she was having a rough day, but then I can't help but think, why make calls? She can always text us.
Another problem is lately she's been pulling the "at least" card a LOT. I know her adopted son has a ton more issues than my son. But she will constantly, when I say how my son is doing a, b, c, and I just don't know what to do, I'm frustrated, etc. She says "at least he didn't do what my son did today", and proceeds to ignore what's going on with me and talks about her problems. Which is an issue for me I've mentioned with everyone who helps me. I will ignore what I need and take on other people's problems. I don't know how to keep that distance. So I've had to literally distance myself from people so I don't get overwhelmed helping them when I'm not getting any help for my things and end up with too much. I mentioned this to her because I said how I'd be good at a job like hers, except for that. She isn't supposed to talk about her personal life and vent to us. Using her experiences to say "I've been there, here's what I tried" is one thing.
Which is why I find it difficult to think she was trying to be nice. Cause it came off more like she didn't want to hear it and cut me off.

I have been doing that more lately. The problem before this is even I never fully understood why being in public was hard for me. Why I simply cannot work right now, and don't know if I'll ever be mentally capable of working enough to completely support myself and my son. My therapist and mine and my son's iht have commented I'm very self-aware. Which I believe comes from how much my mother wasn't and it damaged her, and me in turn. It isn't easy, and I do still get defensive when other people point out my flaws, but I'm working on it, lol.
And it's hard for any professional to help you the right way if you don't understand yourself. I also think we expect more of ourselves as well. Because we know what's "normal". Part of it is accepting that PTSD cup is always going to be fuller than the person next to us without it, so already they have less to deal with.

Along with the PTSD stress cup, I love the spoon thing. If you haven't heard of it I can try to find it. A friend of mine with ehlers-danlos syndrome posted it. It was a great example to help friends and family who want to understand but can't. It's hard to when you're not going through it yourself. I often refer to my inability to process information quickly, and my brain getting overwhelmed with too much at once "ptsd brain". Lol

Your definently not alone @Malaenis . I have social anxiety and avoid confrontation too.

If I need to confront someone, I do better when I'm prepared in what I'm going to say. An outline of what I'm going to say helps me.......

I really need to do that. I always start to, then say "nah, I'll be fine, I know what to say". Then the situation happens and I completely blank. Especially when you're not prepared for different ways the person might react to it. The hardest part for me with someone like her that's someone who is a resource and runs the parent support group I go to, I worry things will be awkward. That because I said something, now she'll forever be mad at me. Because that's all I've ever experienced. I've had maybe one or two people I've confronted that haven't gone off on me. And maybe I approached it wrong, maybe I came off as attacking them. I can't be sure, I can't recall specific moments.

I am exactly the same in social situations! So I understand it. I wish I had someone to accompany me places. I've noticed I'm better when my son is with me for new experiences. Because I can focus more on him and less on my mind panicking about every little bad thing that could happen, or worrying everyone is judging me, do I look ok, am I going to say something stupid, etc. etc.
I also do much better one on one. My therapist has suggested I join a day program, but I'm just not ready to spend that much time with strangers. She gets that now. I also don't have the time available to commit to something like that yet. I am getting out more. I'm slowly meeting new people. Which is more than enough. I even invited other moms from group out for coffee to vent about our children, lol. Once I meet someone, or in a group setting if I know one person, and can be the first to arrive, I'm better.


Thank you both for your replies.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

You aren't alone. I have really bad social anxiety and going around crowds and people I don't know terrifies me. To go see my T I need to take a few buses, if it wasn't for my headphones I would have lost it. I always avoid confrontation too. Especially with my family. If I do something wrong I usually hide until it blows over but if confrontation is unavoidable I prepare myself for the confrontation and think before I speak. I wish I could always bring my sister with me to my T but she has school so I can't drag her out of it. Even though shes told me she would rather go with me than go to school she has her exams coming so I can't drag her away from that. My sister is my clutch. Whenever I have to go somewhere I usually bring her with me and I'm not so anxious. I hope things get better for you. Hugs if you accept and know that I am always here as a listening ear, if you need it.

 

[Wendy]

I completely understand. I feel the same way and mostly just want to be left alone. I think a lot of the problem is it is just so tiring to try to present as "normal" to the rest of the world when things are nowhere near normal. I noticed when I skip something I used to do regularly, like church, then when I DO come, everybody is all freaking out and over the top about how glad they are to see me. That just makes me feel self-conscious and now I'm fearful of going because I can't seem to be able to just go when I feel like and not go when I feel like and have it be ok. Everyone else thinks they have a say in my schedule!! And I'm tired of everyone telling me I NEED to get out more. I know they mean well but they really don't understand. My home is my happy place right now. Work is something I have NO control over so I have to go but the rest of the time I can control and I choose to be alone right now when I can be. I feel like I'm rambling now...anyway, bottom line is that I totally understand how you feel and you are not alone.